Peace and harmony

I slept last night, even if from the state of my bed this morning, it has been an interesting battle. I am feeling VERY down this morning. I have been telling people that I have a problem, they said that I simply had a nervous breakdown, not a problem, now they believe that I have a problem, but they are running like hell. No, my father is still answering to the phone and speaking with me, but he is still convinced that all I need is to want it and everything will be fine, while I think I am a psycopath. I did an experiment last night: I focused on the anger and left aside any possible object of my anger and I found a massive slab of concrete blocking everything else. This slab of concrete is my anger.I tried to speak to the little girl in the corner and I discovered that it was her that had put that slab of concrete inplace to keep me here, to do her will, to be and behave like a child. Hard lessons, very hard lessons for me. I did come here in searchh of peace and harmony, trying to reduce my life to the essentials in order to escape the external factors and make peace with myself, but I did not know that I had such a powerful enemy inside. I never recognised her as the enemy. I neverrecognised her as the spoiled, temperamental, spiteful creature she is. She wants what she did not have as child, but she wants also more, much more. But she is a child,not an adult, so she is unable to understand what is right, what is rightful and what is wrong. She has ruled the show for a long time. I have to admit that I am lost on what to do. I do still think that some of the things you planned are good. Thanks the Goddess forManuela.

Facts and fears.

Today it has been better than I thought, but it hurts and I have to let it hurt. I have to assume responsibility in a realistic way and this is my problem. For me it has always been a matter of everything or nothing. I had an anger attack Sunday morning. Fact. I should have said simply I am not well I'll stay at home. Fact. I did not want to upset my father. Fact. I did manage to upset my father. Fact. My father (and Giuliana) has denied until now the gravity of my problems. Fact. My father (and Giuliana) thought that asking me to be normal was going to be enough to make me normal. Fact. It's going to take much more work than that for me to behave in a way even close to normal. Fact. When they realised this Giuliana ran away. Fact. My father is terrified that I am going to become like my mother. Fact. I may need to ask Doctor Broccoli to speak with my father. I want him to know the truth and from somebody who is not me. So he can make an informed decision.