matilda36

And the holidays are over. Today I took down all the decorations for another year. I had a good time, but I am glad they are over. Too much time that I could spend doing things and implementing change taken over.

I plan big changes with the new year. Too many to list and I plan on keeping them secret, but the biggest one is to try to change jobs. Not the easiest thin g to do in this climate, but I plan on being creative. How I am not sure, but that's the plan.

Oh by the way, Happy New Year to everybody.

Ysterday there was another emergency at work, and I ended up with more overtime, today. I was cranky and whiny. Went to bed early, tired but unable to sleep because of the thoughts flying in my mind. I made up my mind. Next summer at the latest I am moving in with my father. The fact that I am always too tired and I don't want to go to work means that my days on this job are numered before I blow up. So I'd better get moving. I am not sure how it will work, but I know thatit will.

But they have started. Dreams, panic attacks, binges, likely some psycosomatic pain.... all the companions of great changes.

Everytime I speak about my weight or my diet, anxiety captures me and I end up bingeing, like I do when I am tired. For lunch I have already planned a nice pasts, necessary to face another day at work.

Yes I am a mess. I am a completely out of control mess. Irritable, panicky, full of shit. I have to find not pharmacologic ways of living well.. Time to break out  the self help books.