matilda36

It may be the three coffees that I had today, or simply the fact that I feel loved, but I am happy. The problems will get solved, I just need to pick up a broom and clean the house, even if I like the beachlike quality of my bathroom floor inundated by the sand that you put in the litter boxes (clean, he likes it clean my cat, today he called me till I went and took away his more recent gift from the litterbox because it was bothering his delicate nose)

I'll find a job I like, maybe translating. Maybe I'll become the next Fernanda Pivano. Or maybe I'll write that novel about daughters and fathers that I have always had in me. Maybe I'll start work on that website for people with mental health problem were they can express themselves without families and their doctors watching over their shoulders. I love that people take care of me but I'd like to do something for my brethen.

I don't feel old, I feel at the beginning of a new life. So happy birthday to me and let's start this new life.

 

I have taken long walks, (It's becoming a morning habit that I share with a friend, I don't think I would be able to keep up alone, too many bad thoughts), read the Mallorean (I still haven't received the Wardens of the West the first book, but I have enjoyed the others) and played with my love.

I am in love with my kitten. Today he has helped me clean the bedroom, with particular attention to the broom and the mop, then we have played, I have has set in order in my diary and he has slept against my back while I was watching The Tudors. Now is on my bed napping.

He commits the typical cats disasters: climbing the curtains, knocking over water, knocking over the rubbish bin. But he sleeps with me and he cuddles me and I wait for me when I come home. I am gonna see how he's going to react to my work absence, also because it will mean that he eats late. But he loves me and that's all I need.

 

Work is... a nightmare. We are badly organised, we have more customers than staff and I have to listen to a 22 year old arrogant bastard telling me off for something I did with permission from a manager. Fuck off M, I knew somebody else like you and he didn't end well.

These kinds of things depress me, and I am already depressed by my immobility, so this morning I went to my soctor and we decided to add an antidepressant to the mix. I don't have the best history with antidepressants, but I am optimist about this one. It's slightly stimulant, so maybe it'll stop me from going to bed at 6pm. 

And it'll help me to find more energy to do the things I need to do, like cleaning the house, search for a job and take care of me, so I attract the right kind of men, those who can take care of me and don't just want to fuck me. I want to be a wife, not a mistress. Wife or spinster, no middleways for me. Because being a spinster has its advantages and I enjoy them to the full.

 

Yesterday my well being in being back lasted just the time to get through the door. My colleagues are all in such a funk that depresses you terribly. But I am off till friday so I am happy. This time I am not spending time in front of the PC, I want to go for a walk and maybe clean the house.I say maybe because cleaning the house is one of those things that seems to elude me. Every time I get distracted by a new story. (or an old one, I am not picky)

This morning I went shopping with my neighbour, who, for lack of alternatives, thinks is in love with me, just because I am kind to him. I confess I am willing to accept his money.(although not for sex, I am not that desperate) Especially because the radiator of my car may (and I keep my fingers crossed at the may) be leaking. This morning it was dry under the car and the water temperature indicator was healthy, so, I'll hope for the  best.

Prayer has been very kind to me recently. I am trying to be kind to everybody around me and trying to see if I can find ways to help others (possibly without them falling in love with me.

In other news, I keep loosing weight.. I'll become a real babe and maybe attract a decent kind of men, not the ones who just want to see my boobs.



 

The big question is: is right to accept money in exchange for affection that I would give him anyway?

 

I did mostly sport, with some virtual (That I hate with a passion, because it's easy to loose money by doing it) and some  horses., but the thing that shocked me most is the fact that I had 50 euros more in my till. I have no idea of how that happens, but I used the money to quell my debts.

Now I am home and still in a funk. I don't know where it did come out from. Or maybe I suspect where it did come out from, and I'll do my best to remedy the situation. It's not helping that the Penguins lost 5-1  last night.

In the meantime, I am gonna read a bit, in the hope it gets better. Oh and I'll have an early night, those always help.



 

I agree that God (or Fate) decides a lot of things in our life, but we have Free will after all, so an idea of where I want to go would be nice. In the meantime I am trying to change approach to things and people.

For example to let my costumers get to me less (even when they are annoying on purpose) and to go to work with a more positive attitude. 

 

Positive attitude that I am trying to apply to everything, even to an afternoon spent at home (Yeah i know those are already my favourites), but they are rarely as serene as today.

This serenity, if I manage to keep it going (and I am arming myself with things that can help me keep it going) can help me to find my way, to decide where I want to go, beyond changing work. Even with a better job, I would always be fluctuating, thinking about what my life will be after my father is gone, what meaning will it have other than keeping him fighting.

I am alone and lonely and I am shy and silent. Starting to be more positive can make me smile more and people like me more (although the way my manager at work takes care of me since I had to take sick leave is very sweet).

This change of attitude will help me to find my way, I am sure. But I'll start to think about what I want to do on a consciuos level too. Maybe I'll write that book that has been inside of me all my life.

 

I said: I will never be able to do it.

This morning I woke up with a feeling of peace and contentment, of acceptance. Yes I have bipolar disorder, but it doesn't mean it has to stop me. Yes I am broke, but I have enough money to take me to my next payday. Yes, I am a disaster in parking, but I'll be more careful in the future and accept the consequences of my mistakes.

Two nights ago, I prayed: I prayed the Lord to give me a sign, I prayed my mother to guide me in her unique way. This feeling I have may be the fruit of those prayers. I don't know if it will last (I honestly hope so, I could do with some clarity in my mind), but for sure I am enjoying it. Friday I am going to visit my mother ( in the cemetery), because I have been missing her like crazy recently.

Yesterday at work, everything went well, for the first time in ages I made some money and tickets on a weekday. And I did not do any big mistakes. That probably helped with my serenity as well. Oh and I have not to go to work till saturday.

Time to get something done? I am trying a technique cleo69 thaught me. You give yourself a goal and meet it, but without a time restraint, like saying tomorrow I have to do this or I am a total failure and I can go back to my lazy ways. Just a goal. and when you meet it, you set another one, and then another one, till you are used to do things, without the pressure to do it everyday. If one day you are too tired, or not feeling well, it's ok. 

Tomorrow I am gonna set me a bit objective: dust the living room. I'll see how I do.

For today I met my goals and i am going to keep reading (and probably finish, (Gervase, write the next one quick) The cross and the poppy by the lovely Gervase Wemyss wemyss  Bapton Books publishing, available on all the major (and minor) booksites.

It may be one of those things that have inspired this bout of Faith. It's a deeply religious book, but calling it a Christian book would be to make it a disservice. It's a book with great characters, some of which are defined by their faith and the story is closely linked with religious happenings, but that's not all the story. It's.... a great book. I'll probably write it a proper review once I have finished it For the moment it's great company and great inspiration.

Amen, sister, amen.
 

Today I am rereading one of my favourite stories Ties that Bind by Keira Marcos. Her grammar is nearly worse than mine, but she writes the kind of outrageous, over the top, kinky stories that I need.

I don't know if to put the radio on, silence is a blessing at the moment. I know I have to react, but not reacting is the solution for today. Tomorrow we'll see. This morning I had the heart beating hard. Now it's not, but I am shaking a bit and I know that I can cry any moment. Maybe crying would do me good. But in reality I feel so fragile that crying would break me. Yeah that's how I feel: fragile, ready to break.  I know 4 days will be just a patch up job, that I really need a new job (I applied for a job for which I have the qualifications, including being disable, we'll see) or a good sized period of not worrying about money not work. Or maybe not. 4 days alone are good, more are dangerous. I need people's company. I like being around people in my job (even if they are not always the right kind of people).

Only not now, because I am fragile and I need not worry about money, not to worry about wok, just read over the top kinky stories and tell myself some nice stories tonight, when I'll go to bed. Probably another early niight, unless I feel I'll end up obssessing.

I don't need obsessing, I need to take care of fragile me. I am without chocolate around, by choice. I have been binging recently and loosing weight is one of the things that keeps me cheerful. I have bananas instead. And decaf. I think I'll need lots of milky decaf in the next few days.

I need to take care of myself.