matilda36

 I am having a  mild panic attack. It's mostly work related (OMG if I loose this job what i am going to do?), but there's also some underlining sadness.

And to say that the day had started well, with me managing the first part of the winter clothes exchange (I have so many pair of pants and jeans that's not funny. I hope that at least some will work with my new weight.. Speaking of weight, I have lost, even with Macdonald on sunday.

This sunday I am going to have a egg mcmuffin and a coffee. I am not gonna eat at lunchtime till I get home, so this should minimise the damage.

 Last night I worked till midnight and this morning I was out of the house by 7:50 to go to the post office and to have my pap test done. It has been a long, hot morning.also because I was so worried about smelling when I got to see  the doctor. I had walked a lot by then and I was sweaty.

I am afraid that this pap test will discover something. Because yes I am changing the way I eat and I am eating less, but I am still eating a lot of the things I enjoy. Las night I had icecream. I felt full afterwards, but I ate it.  So I am not sure how natural is it to loose the weight I am loosing.. We'll see what comes back. Probably I don't feel hungry because I am used to eating less food now and I get full more easily.

Work is slow, very slow and the boss is making some stupid decisions, so I don't know how long this work will last. But I am ok with it. My career as blogger seems to finally be starting and I am getting again in the mood for writing. I subscribe to two brilliant blogs on tumble fuckyeahcharacterdevelopment and writewords that are inspiring me to write. I had lost even my blogging muse, but now that I am getting posted I am back to be enthisiastic (A lot will depend on if I get comments and what kind of comments I get). But whatever happens it will be an incentive to write better.

I have also started applying for jobs. It's a slow and harduous process, with a lot of rejections, but one I have to do. I will ask my doctor what he thinks about creating a site for bipolars to meet, without doctors involved, or involved very little (example: when somebody shares suicidal thoughts). It could be a good thing to do. I could do with a place where I don't feel manipulated by the system. I know that I am doing my share of manipulating (obtaining disable status has been useful when  I had to get a job), but the system has me feeling down because I am disabled.

My house is a bombsite, and I am absolutely not in the mood to tidy up. I will if I know I'll get visitors, but in the meantime I'll just enjoy it being a bombsite and spend my time reading. I have finished the Sid/Geno fics, I'll start with the Kane/Tazer ones. And Kryptaria and Bootsand blossoms have a new 00Q fic that I am waiting they finish to publish to read. Oh and scifigirl47 has one Avengers fic out too. So I have plenty to read. 

I like this post full of things to look forward to.