Brokenhearted

I was loooking for this definition in the mood list, but I didn't find it, so I used it as title instead. My dad arrived Friday afternoon. We had a reasonable Friday evening, a nightmarish Saturday Morning ( I hate being pushed left right and centre and forced to do things so I learn. It makes me feel a weight, a retard, not good enough. I know I am all these things, but I expect those closer to me to offer me understanding and support) and a boring Saturday. My father barely talking to me,in part because Giuliana talks for the three of us, in part for the time he spent sleeping or playing Jardinians, in part because while he was ok with touching me, he IS not ok with my problems and does not want to talk about it. I am acceptable only when I am useful or not requiring him. Then yesterday the wedding. I tried, but you know me and wedding, we do not agree with each other. They highlight all my inadequacies and limitations. So I arrive and I do not get out of the car. I hide there and tell my father not to mind me, to go and enjoy. He tells me to stop being silly and behave like a normal person, I tell him I am not normal. He take the car and take me home.I did spent last afternoon crying and all the fireworks, managing to sleep only with chemical help. Nobody has asked me how I am yet.

Once again I am on my own. I am hurting like hell, but I think I can wait the two remaining days until I am going to see Doctor Broccoli. If things do not improve by then, this time, I'll take extreme measures.I can't take anymore hate.

Jekyll and Hide

Ok, spoken to both my father and Giuliana (who does not want to speak to me anymore unless I do something about my problem. The good news is that now she believes that my problem is serious). According to them I have a Jekyll and Hide personality. I can be ok, then stone face comes out and I close everything and everybody out, hurting people by doing it. Yes, Dr Broccoli, Mr Hide is my anger, or better me trying to keep the lid over my anger and making more victims this way. I need to talk before I get angry and let the past be past. I am proud,I am arrogant, I am shy, I am terrified of myself. I manage to keep things under control for a while and then I explode. Or better, implode. All the talk about change is still valid, the little things I have started doing: reduce coffee and sweets, look after the plants, meditation and relaxation, changing the way I live independently from the external factors are still valid, but I need to be honest, to be humble and take the next step and face Mr Hide. My father is still talking to me and this is important. But I do not have to do this for him, or for Giuliana, or for anybody else. Suicide may be painless, but it is not an option. It is something that I hide behind sometimes. I want to live. Even after yesterday and its consequences, I want to live. Maybe because of yesterday and its consequences. Giuliana has made me understand certain things. I will assume responsibility for my actions, but not punishment. You do it because you want to be punished, you need to be punished. You do not drink, do not take drugs, do not gamble, but you are addicted to punishment. Being punished is satisfactory for you on two levels: because it was the only form of attention you got from your mother, and because it reaffirms your idea that you are a monster. You do not have a balanced idea of yourself. You do not have a balanced idea of yourself as a normal person, who makes mistakes and makes good things. I have never really given myself the time and the space to find out who I really am, a balance of good and bad. Also I am an introverted who lives for other people's opinions, desperate for them to punish me. My father suggests that I spend more time with people, Giuliana says that I am a danger to people. I think I need to spend more time with Dr Broccoli and with myself. But with myself thinking and talking, analysing, getting to know myself and being honest. Not raising my usual shields as soon as I get uncomfortable and not seeking punishment.I asked the Goddess to get to know myself better and she has given me an understanding that I did not have before, onlyI did not know how much it would have hurt in the process. I am gutted for Giuliana, and I think that looking at her personal records with friendships she has been too harsh, but I think that it would be for the best in the end. I was becoming very dependent from her and I think that this is probably one of the unconscious reasons: I am scared by dependence and what she is in a way scares me. That does not make it her fault, but instead of saying you scare me I started to cumulate a response. I was also very tense for the return of my father and the whirlwind that has been, without time for us to talk has created the foundations for the happening. I wasn't able to articulate what I wanted so I did trow a tantrum, not only not getting what I wanted, but giving me a nice shot at punishment that I so desperately needed. I had been a good girl for three entire weeks, including two food wise and the back pain wasn't enough. I was getting restless, I needed a shot. What I will do now? No plans. One day at the time. May the Goddess bless me in my journey towards health, self knowledge and peace.