Two Cathedrals
Apr. 7th, 2005 08:11 am![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
matilda36I watched again "Two Cathedrals" last night. Beautiful. I cried watching the President boys being pallbearers to Delores and then in a metaphorical sense to the President, a president that then let the world know he is not dead yet. In a tropical storm surely (both real and again metaphorical), but able and willing to face the storm, enjoying it, dancing with it.
But the bit that has really hit home is the "Boy king" exchange with Mrs Landingham. I have been that boy king for most of my life. The girl that could have been whatever she wanted, if only she had wanted it. But always or I didn't want it enough, or something happened to make me not want it enough. Low self-confidence, self hatred, laziness, call it as you want, but the truth is that there has never been enough "want" in me. And even now it's like that. The sad truth of my life is that I don't want anything enough. Or anything that i think I deserve enough. Or anything that I have enough self- esteem to believe I can have.
My life is a self-fulfilling prophecy of failure and nothing. I expect nothing for and especially from myself.
So, do I really want this or I accept my life simply because I think I am not any better?
But the bit that has really hit home is the "Boy king" exchange with Mrs Landingham. I have been that boy king for most of my life. The girl that could have been whatever she wanted, if only she had wanted it. But always or I didn't want it enough, or something happened to make me not want it enough. Low self-confidence, self hatred, laziness, call it as you want, but the truth is that there has never been enough "want" in me. And even now it's like that. The sad truth of my life is that I don't want anything enough. Or anything that i think I deserve enough. Or anything that I have enough self- esteem to believe I can have.
My life is a self-fulfilling prophecy of failure and nothing. I expect nothing for and especially from myself.
So, do I really want this or I accept my life simply because I think I am not any better?
