Love yourself
Sep. 24th, 2004 09:01 am![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
matilda36The rituals went very well, leaving full of energy and free from some hangovers from the past. I was tired, so I took it slowly for the last two days, such an amount of work need to be digested. I shocked my father. I rang him and he didn't recognise my voice. He said that he is not used to hear his daughter so cheerful. And I am, quite I am. I spent time downloading and watching the latest SG1 and Atlantis stuff. McKay Sheppard is on the way to become a favorite pairing. However I do have a question. I do understand that Doctor Beckett is Scottish, and I know I Scottish are the Scottish, but for the purpose of a multinational force he would still be representing GB? I didn't know that the devolution had gone so far...
Anyway, after my post equinox rest I am now ready to start working again. My brain has started working seriously on the what I would do when I grow up stuff, and I leave the research to her and the Goddess. Personally, I am dealing with the old, dear "Love yourself" issue. We have established that is quite a cornerstone of sorting out whatever mess and I find myself ready to deal with it. But I understand why I never wanted to touch it with a barge pole. I realised it when I started to think about my physical appearance. That has been a factor to the wedding, when not only I did feel ugly, but a monkey dressed up in somebody else clothes. I realised this morning that the exercises that I am painfully doing for my back and posture will probably help my body as well to look less pudgy and the no sweets diet will make me loose weight, together with the exercise. I am finding the whole thing terrifying. I do have a good skin, now that I eat less fat not so greasy and basically no wrinkles. My hair is grey and need constant dyeing, but that's fun. The hair in itself is rich and strong. There's the little facial hair problem, but that can be taken care of and I have already seen that loosing weight helps my hormones and that help with the hair. No part of my body need drastic surgery, only a little bit of love and care and freedom of expression. And this is the crux of the matter.
Recently some things have brought me to grudgingly admit that I may want somebody to share my life with. I am still so shocked and terrified by the idea that I cannot see myself working on that for a while, but if my appearance change and start expressing love, it will attract love. I do not know what scares me more, to love myself or myself to be loved. Because my father can call it exuding positivity, I call it exuding love. And external, real love scares me. I can accept that the Goddess loves me, barely and I can work on learning to love myself, but am I ready for the consequences of falling?
Interesting question my dear. I think I will leave you at that and go buy some more cosmetics.
Anyway, after my post equinox rest I am now ready to start working again. My brain has started working seriously on the what I would do when I grow up stuff, and I leave the research to her and the Goddess. Personally, I am dealing with the old, dear "Love yourself" issue. We have established that is quite a cornerstone of sorting out whatever mess and I find myself ready to deal with it. But I understand why I never wanted to touch it with a barge pole. I realised it when I started to think about my physical appearance. That has been a factor to the wedding, when not only I did feel ugly, but a monkey dressed up in somebody else clothes. I realised this morning that the exercises that I am painfully doing for my back and posture will probably help my body as well to look less pudgy and the no sweets diet will make me loose weight, together with the exercise. I am finding the whole thing terrifying. I do have a good skin, now that I eat less fat not so greasy and basically no wrinkles. My hair is grey and need constant dyeing, but that's fun. The hair in itself is rich and strong. There's the little facial hair problem, but that can be taken care of and I have already seen that loosing weight helps my hormones and that help with the hair. No part of my body need drastic surgery, only a little bit of love and care and freedom of expression. And this is the crux of the matter.
Recently some things have brought me to grudgingly admit that I may want somebody to share my life with. I am still so shocked and terrified by the idea that I cannot see myself working on that for a while, but if my appearance change and start expressing love, it will attract love. I do not know what scares me more, to love myself or myself to be loved. Because my father can call it exuding positivity, I call it exuding love. And external, real love scares me. I can accept that the Goddess loves me, barely and I can work on learning to love myself, but am I ready for the consequences of falling?
Interesting question my dear. I think I will leave you at that and go buy some more cosmetics.
