Reading yaoi and googling blur

[matilda36]

I haven't talked a lot about it in here, but I am back in therapy. I like this therapist, she's a psychologist and not a psychiatrist and I think this helps because she's used to handling "normal" people and not dealing with the most extreme craziness. As my psychiatrist puts it (this one, the one that I like because he's honest with me and does just his job that is to make sure I am properly medicated) people like me are probably the ones who suffer the most because we are crazy enough to hurt, but not crazy enough to not feeling anything.

This doesn't mean that i am worse off than most people... I am just my own brand of crazy. Anyway with my therapist we have been working on my communication issues. I often feel frustrated because I can't seem to connect well to people. I am a bit ashamed by my crappiness at communicating.

She thinks that I am not that crappy. Just afraid to be hurt (shy), a control freak (because if I am not in control I can get hurt), with a black and white vision of the world (because if i can just do the right thing everything would be fine, but apparently the more I try the more I fail, but that's ok because a) a lot of failures are just in my head b) mistakes are human and apparently I am human ), frustrated (angry) and just angry.

Just uselessly, mindlessly angry. I am so tired of being angry. i just want to stop.
 
Is that going to be motivation enough to overtake my fear of getting better?
 
My therapist says I should make a list of things I desire... like learning to dance, go to Glastonsbury, see Blur live (Ivano Fossati i am going to see on the 30th), pass my exam, get a better job, loose weight (It's 5kg, but I have lost any fitness i had).

Just listing them makes me anxious. But hopeful. Maybe she's right and all I need is motivation. And desires can be motivation, not... not like a satuirday afternoon spent reading yaoi and googling blur. .