matilda36

Recently I have realised how heavily my illness has impacted on my friendships.

I hide my moods from people, at my worst hurting people with my silence, at my best slipping unnoticed.

Otherwise, people end up the victims of the maelstrom of my emotions, asking themselves what have they done. Nothing. Just... ran across a madwoman. It's difficult for me to forgive myself in those occasions, how can an innocent bystander forgive me?

I am complicate, fragile and fighting for survival every day of my life.

And full of regrets. What ifs fill my mind every day.

Strangely enough I feel that if only given a second chance I would not make the same mistakes. And I say it with some confidence.

I am getting better.

I am more balanced. Even when I crashed last autumn, I was able to take the right steps. And even if I am a bit under stress at the moment (work is bad and my health is worrying me) I only have normal stress spikes and not mood disorder spikes. Ok the medication level is a bit higher than hoped for, but I am still able to more or less function.

And more important, I am starting to learn how precious friendship is.

I have joined Facebook. and I am finding a lot of old friends I thought lost forever in the maelstrom of my madness. It makes me think about what could have been, what opportunities I have lost, but it gives me hope.

Maybe I will never have a glamorous or particularly successful life, but maybe I can have a content life full of love. This for somebody with my illness is a lot. This for anybody is a lot. It's probably the most important thing.

Off course I want a better, safer job.
Off course I want to be able to take care of myself better
Off course I want better health..

But I want to live. And to have my friends back is a good way to start.