So who still wants to be my friend?

[matilda36]

Recently I have realised how heavily my illness has impacted on my friendships.

I hide my moods from people, at my worst hurting people with my silence, at my best slipping unnoticed.

Otherwise, people end up the victims of the maelstrom of my emotions, asking themselves what have they done. Nothing. Just... ran across a madwoman. It's difficult for me to forgive myself in those occasions, how can an innocent bystander forgive me?

I am complicate, fragile and fighting for survival every day of my life.

And full of regrets. What ifs fill my mind every day.

Strangely enough I feel that if only given a second chance I would not make the same mistakes. And I say it with some confidence.

I am getting better.

I am more balanced. Even when I crashed last autumn, I was able to take the right steps. And even if I am a bit under stress at the moment (work is bad and my health is worrying me) I only have normal stress spikes and not mood disorder spikes. Ok the medication level is a bit higher than hoped for, but I am still able to more or less function.

And more important, I am starting to learn how precious friendship is.

I have joined Facebook. and I am finding a lot of old friends I thought lost forever in the maelstrom of my madness. It makes me think about what could have been, what opportunities I have lost, but it gives me hope.

Maybe I will never have a glamorous or particularly successful life, but maybe I can have a content life full of love. This for somebody with my illness is a lot. This for anybody is a lot. It's probably the most important thing.

Off course I want a better, safer job.
Off course I want to be able to take care of myself better
Off course I want better health..


But I want to live. And to have my friends back is a good way to start.

Comments

[bjjones.livejournal.com]

*hugs*

Me... I don't comment alot but I do read and keep you in my thoughts and prayers.

[matilda36.livejournal.com]

*hugs*

thank you. Thoughts and prayers are precious to me.

[gregsanders1.livejournal.com]

*waves* Me,Me,Me....

Like BJ said, I don't comment but I do read everything you post.

[matilda36.livejournal.com]

*blushes*

Thank you. I just hope I do not come across as a whiny selfcentered emo.

[gregsanders1.livejournal.com]

Everyone is allowed to be as whiny and selfcentered as they want to be. No one is in the same situation as the next person and so no one has any right to critize how you feel or how you express yourself.
If that was the case then what an uneventful, uninteresting group of person we all would be.

[joereaves.livejournal.com]

*hugs* My Ody shaped friend :)

[matilda36.livejournal.com]

*hugs*

I miss you and Lucas. You both are great people and great friends.

[joereaves.livejournal.com]

*hugs* You can always pounce me on gtalk. Lucas not so much since she's so busy at work and not on in the evening til after your bedtime. But we are still around :)

[matilda36.livejournal.com]

Thank you. I have become a bit shy on pouncing people.

I'll have to be brave and do it more often

[japewierd.livejournal.com]

I've been all too absent lately but I still want to be here *hugs*

[matilda36.livejournal.com]

You had more mportant things on your mind. I hope your health is better

*hugs*

[saxihighlandck.livejournal.com]

*hugs tightly*

I know my hours are odd but you can always leave me a message on gtalk and i'll get back to you. *hugs*

I read... I just suck balls at commenting.

[matilda36.livejournal.com]

*hugs*

hey we still talk...

[barefoot-starz.livejournal.com]

are you really asking me this? for real? *hugs* you know i'm in for the long haul. don't ask questions you already know the answer to, okay? okay.

[matilda36.livejournal.com]

*hugs*

I know you are here. I know it and I value it over anything else