Life and other things
May. 20th, 2005 08:39 am![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
matilda36I haven't written a lot recently. I haven't done a lot of things recently, if I have to be honest. After my mother's birthday big cathartic cry, an heavy cloud of depression has fallen on me and all that I have been doing is to try to contain it. I know why I am sad. I miss my mum, and I am angry with myself for how much I miss her, still, after 9 years.
But I had a good chat with my doctor yesterday and I realised that is time to tackle the old witch and the cramping hold that she has had on my heart since the day I was born. Otherwise, I'll be simply doing what she has done for all her life, i.e. not living her life. Like her mother before her, she was so weak that all she could do was live vicariously through her daughter. I made the conscious decision not to have children and to try and live my own life, but the only way that I know is the way that was taught me. Not a nice one. Now I have made the choice of changing that, but making the choice is not enough. Deciding to live is different to living.
And there's that little problem I have with authority figures...
Now, off to try to live today.
But I had a good chat with my doctor yesterday and I realised that is time to tackle the old witch and the cramping hold that she has had on my heart since the day I was born. Otherwise, I'll be simply doing what she has done for all her life, i.e. not living her life. Like her mother before her, she was so weak that all she could do was live vicariously through her daughter. I made the conscious decision not to have children and to try and live my own life, but the only way that I know is the way that was taught me. Not a nice one. Now I have made the choice of changing that, but making the choice is not enough. Deciding to live is different to living.
And there's that little problem I have with authority figures...
Now, off to try to live today.
