what the icon said
Jun. 22nd, 2013 11:01 am![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
matilda36I was reading an article this morning written by a bipolar woman. In it she says that the doctors are so busy making us feel "normal" that they forget that we have our own self.
Since I have been diagnosed my life has revolved around my pills, around those alarms set up on my phone that tell me it's time for my drugs.
Don't get me wrong, I am immensely grateful for medication and I don't plan on stopping it, but it has deprivated me of my self a bit.
Of my creativity, of my will of doing. Today I am glad it's not too warm so I don't have to water my plants. All 5 of them. I already know that I will make my bed and then spend the afternoon reading, closing my day with another early night.
I am already worried that between work and other things I will not be able to take my morning nap for at least 4 days. That's more of a staying still under the covers trying not to think of bad things, than a proper nap. Nowadays I am even unable to tell myself stories.
Everything is an effort. I have tons of unopened mail. Why clean the house? I cleaned it two weeks ago. I go to work and nowadays I am happy to have only two shifts a week even if boredom creeps in. Luckily I know that this summer I'll be busy and I hope that working will help me out of this apathy.
But it's not an apathy, it's just that I am missing my self. I am missing the person who worked 5 days a week without problems and was enthusiastic about her job. I miss the woman who cleaned her house every week and still had time to go central London to visit museums and do some shopping. I miss the woman who was able to lead convoluted discussions on everything.
Nowadays I sit at my till, not smiling, listening to what my colleagues say. But I am not part of it.
I lost my sparkle, the thing that made me interesting, that made me happy.
Is that due to medication? Is that due to my fear of a manic episode?. Not even antidepressants work for me. They make me nervous and that's it. It's up to me to recover my soul
Since I have been diagnosed my life has revolved around my pills, around those alarms set up on my phone that tell me it's time for my drugs.
Don't get me wrong, I am immensely grateful for medication and I don't plan on stopping it, but it has deprivated me of my self a bit.
Of my creativity, of my will of doing. Today I am glad it's not too warm so I don't have to water my plants. All 5 of them. I already know that I will make my bed and then spend the afternoon reading, closing my day with another early night.
I am already worried that between work and other things I will not be able to take my morning nap for at least 4 days. That's more of a staying still under the covers trying not to think of bad things, than a proper nap. Nowadays I am even unable to tell myself stories.
Everything is an effort. I have tons of unopened mail. Why clean the house? I cleaned it two weeks ago. I go to work and nowadays I am happy to have only two shifts a week even if boredom creeps in. Luckily I know that this summer I'll be busy and I hope that working will help me out of this apathy.
But it's not an apathy, it's just that I am missing my self. I am missing the person who worked 5 days a week without problems and was enthusiastic about her job. I miss the woman who cleaned her house every week and still had time to go central London to visit museums and do some shopping. I miss the woman who was able to lead convoluted discussions on everything.
Nowadays I sit at my till, not smiling, listening to what my colleagues say. But I am not part of it.
I lost my sparkle, the thing that made me interesting, that made me happy.
Is that due to medication? Is that due to my fear of a manic episode?. Not even antidepressants work for me. They make me nervous and that's it. It's up to me to recover my soul
