Fight or hide
Sep. 25th, 2010 10:54 am![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
matilda36I was sick all of Wednesday and Thursday and barely recovered on Friday. On wednesday just after writing my last post, my back started to cramp. I had to resort to muscle relaxants to be able to work. On Thursday morning managed to run my errands, then I ate some seafood, started having a blinding headache and pucked everything. An early bed helped me. Friday i felt frigile, and even while I am writing this I am starting to feel all aches and pains.
I think a lot of it was psychosomatic. It was hard writing that I love me and I hate my illness, reminding myself that I am worth something, that the battle is already taking place every day. The battle for my body and mind.
So my body decided that a little reenactment was overdue. I spent the first two years back in Italy prisoner of back pain and headaches. A fortune spent in chiropractice and a diet made me better. But I have been putting on weight, I am completely out of shape and I am fighting for the control of my mind. Because that's the point isn't it?
To carry on with my personal witness protection program involving mornings spent watching Hell's Kitchen (I am gonna stop watching it because I am absolutely convinced that Raj and Sabrina are two actors planted to stir trouble), Project Runaway, Top Chef just desserts,Supernatural (I didn't really like the season opener, let's hope it gets better), House ( House and Cuddy are so cute. And the Hilson moment was perfect) NCIS and Grey's Anatomy (I am so Meredith. She's the TV character with whom I identify more) and afternoons spent reading or working.
Or
To try everyday to live. To clean the house, to see friends, to go and buy myself some new clothes, to beta. Maybe to start that copy editing course I was thinking about. To go for walks and rides enjoying the early days of autumn. To cook something, not even necessarily healthier, but homemade food is anyway better than noodles..To stop looking for overtime so it keeps me busy.
To stop living in fear, looking for the first sign of pain, depression, mania. To stop living in a limbo of my own making, first and last line of defence against madness. If madness has to come, madness will come, hiding or not hiding. The only thing I can do is to try to stay fit and take my meds. The rest... it may be the strangest and smallest thing that can bring a worsening of my condition: menopause, a disruption on my period, stress, loss, everything.
Now I have a choice. Live in fear of something that if it happens it will happen outside of my control or live.
Today I choose to write, to bring my struggle to the open like a wound. Today I choose to live.
I think a lot of it was psychosomatic. It was hard writing that I love me and I hate my illness, reminding myself that I am worth something, that the battle is already taking place every day. The battle for my body and mind.
So my body decided that a little reenactment was overdue. I spent the first two years back in Italy prisoner of back pain and headaches. A fortune spent in chiropractice and a diet made me better. But I have been putting on weight, I am completely out of shape and I am fighting for the control of my mind. Because that's the point isn't it?
To carry on with my personal witness protection program involving mornings spent watching Hell's Kitchen (I am gonna stop watching it because I am absolutely convinced that Raj and Sabrina are two actors planted to stir trouble), Project Runaway, Top Chef just desserts,Supernatural (I didn't really like the season opener, let's hope it gets better), House ( House and Cuddy are so cute. And the Hilson moment was perfect) NCIS and Grey's Anatomy (I am so Meredith. She's the TV character with whom I identify more) and afternoons spent reading or working.
Or
To try everyday to live. To clean the house, to see friends, to go and buy myself some new clothes, to beta. Maybe to start that copy editing course I was thinking about. To go for walks and rides enjoying the early days of autumn. To cook something, not even necessarily healthier, but homemade food is anyway better than noodles..To stop looking for overtime so it keeps me busy.
To stop living in fear, looking for the first sign of pain, depression, mania. To stop living in a limbo of my own making, first and last line of defence against madness. If madness has to come, madness will come, hiding or not hiding. The only thing I can do is to try to stay fit and take my meds. The rest... it may be the strangest and smallest thing that can bring a worsening of my condition: menopause, a disruption on my period, stress, loss, everything.
Now I have a choice. Live in fear of something that if it happens it will happen outside of my control or live.
Today I choose to write, to bring my struggle to the open like a wound. Today I choose to live.
