Some thoughts on journal writing

[matilda36]

I have been thinking about my last therapy session.I like my therapist. I can see the benefits of our work together in action. I am more relaxed around people, less passive aggressive, more willing to take risks. We have talked extensively about my mother. She thinks that I need to develop a more mature relationship with her memory. She thinks that once I do it I'll be actually... fixed somehow.

With meds keeping my bipolar under control, doctors I trust, my mind back at its studying best, able to handle people... able to connect emotionally.

Able to connect emotionally. It made me think of my posts here. I often use them to express my feelings, but I sometimes think I am unable to convey my messages, to connect with my audience. Why?

First of all, I often write stream of consciousness. What comes out of my brain gets written down without thinking of context. An emotion crosses my mind and I write about it up, without explaining where it does come from.

I fancy myself a bit of a poet, so i tend to go free verse in my stream of consciousness. Like very bad 70s feminist poetry. 

I hate proof reading

I tend to be self centered. Writing it's all about me, not my audience. Actually it should be about me, but only in the sense that I write it here because I want to communicate with other people.

Otherwise I could just keep a private diary. I did that for years, till in London It just started hurting too much. But nowadays I need something different. I need interaction. I need clarity.

I am honest here, brutally honest. Nowadays the only place where I keep things to myself is work, and that's just because of duh, work. I enjoy living my life in the open. 

But this doesn't stop me from being scared. Like everybody I want people in my life on my own terms. Or you get me or you don't. I don't like risks. But I am starting to accept that you need to take some if you want people in your life.

That I need to take the risk I take every time I post here to its very conclusion. The mumbling need to become a voice loud and clear.

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[chef-hector.livejournal.com]

*hugs sis cuz I can*