History and historians

[matilda36]

Today I wanted to start writing a Brief history of me, but then I realised that

a) The reason why I don't tell my story is because it hurts

b) I am now entering the 18th day of my NaBloPoMo and I am really enjoying it

I am achieving the results i intended and much more. I am rediscovering my passion for writing, my focus and my confidence. I am.polishing off my rusty writing skills

I am reconnecting and redefining my audience and the boundaries of my relationship with my audience.  Where before my posts where sporadic whinefests strictly Flocked, I have now to deal with the fact that most of my public posts are somehow private in nature: I talk about my life and my emotions, my health. my happiness and my sorrow.

This is one of the reasons that makes writing my story so difficult. because I am a bit ashamed of it and writing it would be to tell the world my shame. 
And because i am still pissed at all the time I have wasted feeling a failure while i was just a bit bipolar. I have this idea stuck in my head that if I had been diagnosed when the first symptoms appeared, a working therapy could have been worked out much earlier and i would have dealt with things in a very different way: friends lost, work and study opportunities lost... hey maybe I could even have a love life instead of a wasteland.

I have always been proud of having no regrets. And yet I find myself full of regrets.. Before it was: I didn't get what I wanted because I wasn't good enough.Now I know I could have been what I wanted to be. And it hurts

But  this blogging trip is giving me is helping. It is showing me that I still have that potential. That I can still be able to connect,  to communicate,  to be more than a very scared  ticket machine. 

Maybe I can still be somebody I want to be..