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Waiting: some observations
Sep. 18th, 2004 10:30 amToday I am supposed to wait for my father. (no laugh from the audience please). So I have organised myself with thingies to do (the usual stuff) and I have decided that, especially on the light of my last post, I will analyse the feelings that waiting raise in me.
I will start with the physical symptoms. I am very tired, even if it is only 9:30 in the morning and I was in bed by 9:00pm last night and my back hurts me (surprise). This notable state of relaxation can be attributed to the fact that I have done my meditation this morning and my back exercises and they probably help.
Now for an update on my thought development since last time: I have realised that all my fears: abandonment, failure, mediocrity, and my angers: abandonment, not being listened to, not being loved enough and my actions: making people angry, making myself fail, thinking that I am unlovable, not taking care of myself, being afraid of everything and especially people, come all down to a very simple fact: I do not love myself. (I could add hate and/or loathe), but do not love is enough thank you very much.
So what I have been up to? Focusing on loving myself, my surroundings and the people whose life I cross. This does not mean that I am not angry, or that I am not afraid, but that I am doing my best to stop blaming people (including myself) and addressing the problem. Trying to learn to love myself. Meditation, prayer, taking care of my environment, my diet, my learning and development, my body. Even trying to have fun. And that's the most difficult thing for me. I am too busy waiting to have fun.
And that's a joke but not really a joke. I found myself waiting even when there's nothing to wait. The REM song comes to my mind: "It's the end of the world as we know it and I feel fine." In a way I am like one of those preachers you find at street corners, announcing that the end is coming. I spend my life waiting for the punishment of my sins, calling for the punishment of my sins. Like now. I am not looking forward to spend some quality time with my father. I am waiting for him to let me down. To give you a very funny example, I just heard a noise downstairs. My stomach churned and my mind thought: "He is gone to her first. She will talk to him and he will never come to me.". Then I discovered it was the man reading the water meter. I am laughing at myself in this moment. I have trained my mind very, very badly. Or strangely. Who to blame: my mother (the waiter), my father (the waitee) or myself for having never stopped to think about this? I am extremely grateful I took sick leave. It is being useful, giving me the time to think things through and to try little changes, the little changes that change your life in the end without you realising it.
Like stopping to wait for example. Like simply live the time that you spend waiting. And both if something happens or not happens in the end, you had a good day.
Good day as they say in the southern hemisphere. I am off reading a very funny discussion on a liability clause and a couple of other thingies. Exercises for the brain.
Lots of love
I will start with the physical symptoms. I am very tired, even if it is only 9:30 in the morning and I was in bed by 9:00pm last night and my back hurts me (surprise). This notable state of relaxation can be attributed to the fact that I have done my meditation this morning and my back exercises and they probably help.
Now for an update on my thought development since last time: I have realised that all my fears: abandonment, failure, mediocrity, and my angers: abandonment, not being listened to, not being loved enough and my actions: making people angry, making myself fail, thinking that I am unlovable, not taking care of myself, being afraid of everything and especially people, come all down to a very simple fact: I do not love myself. (I could add hate and/or loathe), but do not love is enough thank you very much.
So what I have been up to? Focusing on loving myself, my surroundings and the people whose life I cross. This does not mean that I am not angry, or that I am not afraid, but that I am doing my best to stop blaming people (including myself) and addressing the problem. Trying to learn to love myself. Meditation, prayer, taking care of my environment, my diet, my learning and development, my body. Even trying to have fun. And that's the most difficult thing for me. I am too busy waiting to have fun.
And that's a joke but not really a joke. I found myself waiting even when there's nothing to wait. The REM song comes to my mind: "It's the end of the world as we know it and I feel fine." In a way I am like one of those preachers you find at street corners, announcing that the end is coming. I spend my life waiting for the punishment of my sins, calling for the punishment of my sins. Like now. I am not looking forward to spend some quality time with my father. I am waiting for him to let me down. To give you a very funny example, I just heard a noise downstairs. My stomach churned and my mind thought: "He is gone to her first. She will talk to him and he will never come to me.". Then I discovered it was the man reading the water meter. I am laughing at myself in this moment. I have trained my mind very, very badly. Or strangely. Who to blame: my mother (the waiter), my father (the waitee) or myself for having never stopped to think about this? I am extremely grateful I took sick leave. It is being useful, giving me the time to think things through and to try little changes, the little changes that change your life in the end without you realising it.
Like stopping to wait for example. Like simply live the time that you spend waiting. And both if something happens or not happens in the end, you had a good day.
Good day as they say in the southern hemisphere. I am off reading a very funny discussion on a liability clause and a couple of other thingies. Exercises for the brain.
Lots of love
