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Still alive
Jul. 6th, 2004 08:24 amMaybe not kicking, having reached the conclusion that I need to go back to the full medicines regime and that I need a network to rely on. Speaking Saturday with Manuela, Sunday and yesterday with Giuliana has helped me more than 1,000 games of solitaire. And I need to see broccoli and have an argument with him. I do have a lot of aggression inside me, a lot of anger and a strong will for self distruction. I do want to be punished, I do NEED to be punished. This means that the person I am really angry with is myself. Not because other people are perfect and never do things that hurt me, but because I have a lot of anger and guilt hidden inside towards myself. I do have to work through them. I have been asking myself why I am so angry with myself and I am not sure i know the answer as of yet, but I am working on it. Possible motivations are:
-because I made myself a victim and I am continuing to make myself one.
-because i haven't looked after my mother properly. She is dead.
-because i feel guilty of the above.
-because I do not seem able to achieve what I want.
-because I do sabotage myself in achieving what I want
-because I keep people away from me.
None of these seems to be likely candidates, because most of them are more consequences of my self anger than anything else. Consequences fanning the flame, but not able to provoke anger in itself. especially an anger soo deep as mine. Surely it is something to do with my history of abuse and my perfectionist training. I do think that my craving for punishment is a strong clue on where all of it is coming from. And why I think punishment and my maternal Grandmother comes to my mind? Maybe is time to think a bit about her.
-because I made myself a victim and I am continuing to make myself one.
-because i haven't looked after my mother properly. She is dead.
-because i feel guilty of the above.
-because I do not seem able to achieve what I want.
-because I do sabotage myself in achieving what I want
-because I keep people away from me.
None of these seems to be likely candidates, because most of them are more consequences of my self anger than anything else. Consequences fanning the flame, but not able to provoke anger in itself. especially an anger soo deep as mine. Surely it is something to do with my history of abuse and my perfectionist training. I do think that my craving for punishment is a strong clue on where all of it is coming from. And why I think punishment and my maternal Grandmother comes to my mind? Maybe is time to think a bit about her.
