![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
Acceptance
Jun. 18th, 2004 08:13 amLast night I was trying just a bit of meditation and I have realised that I am too much of a perfectionist. I am always creating immaginary targets for myself and punishing (usually with food, obsessing and/or self hatred) myself because I am not meeting these targets that are only mine.
I have to
This is my motto. I have to work till I drop, I ahve to eat properly, do my meditation, do some physical exercise (the house is now clean, the only thing that I have to do is to find a way to clean the carpets without an hoover, lovely week-end task), be nice to people otherwise they will get angry with me.
That everybody is angry with me is my major obsession. Is a form of punishment, denying the possibility that people can love me and a convenient way of not making the necessary changes to my life. (Note the use of the word necessary)
I have thought that today will be acceptance day. I am what I am and I need no excuses. There have been glimpses of the old battleaxe coming out to play and she is everything my stern internal voice (my mother) despise. Because for some things she is a lot like my mother: witty, not easily shut up, with her own individual and very recognisable style. But also very unlike my mother in a lot of things: she uses her intelligence and creativity to her advantage (and If I hear the word manipulative I will not hear you), not afraid of taking centre stage when necessary and desperately craving love. Love to give, love to receive. She is also adventurous, and this is something my mother has never been. She has spent good part of her life, and of her afterlife as well I am sure, to keep things the same for herself and her family. My father loves me whatever I do (only he would like me to discuss my most outrageous decisions with him BEFORE taking them and not after) and whoever i am. Ding dong the witch is dead.
I have to
This is my motto. I have to work till I drop, I ahve to eat properly, do my meditation, do some physical exercise (the house is now clean, the only thing that I have to do is to find a way to clean the carpets without an hoover, lovely week-end task), be nice to people otherwise they will get angry with me.
That everybody is angry with me is my major obsession. Is a form of punishment, denying the possibility that people can love me and a convenient way of not making the necessary changes to my life. (Note the use of the word necessary)
I have thought that today will be acceptance day. I am what I am and I need no excuses. There have been glimpses of the old battleaxe coming out to play and she is everything my stern internal voice (my mother) despise. Because for some things she is a lot like my mother: witty, not easily shut up, with her own individual and very recognisable style. But also very unlike my mother in a lot of things: she uses her intelligence and creativity to her advantage (and If I hear the word manipulative I will not hear you), not afraid of taking centre stage when necessary and desperately craving love. Love to give, love to receive. She is also adventurous, and this is something my mother has never been. She has spent good part of her life, and of her afterlife as well I am sure, to keep things the same for herself and her family. My father loves me whatever I do (only he would like me to discuss my most outrageous decisions with him BEFORE taking them and not after) and whoever i am. Ding dong the witch is dead.
