This is not an apology....just some thoughts on me and writing

[matilda36]

I cried and thought and cried and thought and watched X- Files and cried and thought about it all day and I think I finally found out what is the matter with me and writing..

I am grateful to you all my friends who very kindly keep encouraging me by asking for more fic. I love you dearly, I love betaing, giving bunnies and helping  nourish all your writing talents in everyway I can, but your encouragements, requests for fics and praise of my writing talents are making me feel a bit tense. And this is not your fault, it's just the way I am.

Bear with me and I will try to explain.

I have always written in one form or another…but it has always been a need coming straight from my heart. I started with poetry because I had things I needed to express and free verse was the easy way and could be easily hidden in a drawer once written. No Alpha, no Beta, no need to re-read.

Writing this way, straight from the guts tends to be a pretty painful process. And even now, when I am trying my hand at different kind of writings that should be pleasurable like the woodhousian comedy of the Pignapping Saga, run of the  mill porn, little lyrical interludes, plotted snippets and whatever I try my hand on, this pain associated with writing doesn't go away.
 
Writing does give me little to none pleasure at the moment. Stuff goes out unbetaed because otherwise it never goes out. My hard drive is full of  half written pieces whose first draft caused pain and the second caused me to run away.

Also I am never been naïve enough to believe that we write for ourselves. Massive doses of Isherwood and burroughs cured me of this illusion years ago.

Also I have been around fandom long enough to get frustrated by the constant spam of fic written “for themselves” by writers that keep inflicting chapter after chapter of their badly written stuff on the unsuspecting public. (No reference to anybody on my F-list here. If you are going to spam me with rubbish, you aren't on my F-list) I don’t wanna be a BNF in any fandom or have hordes of worshipping minions, but I want to be sure that what I send out is good enough for me.

Only I tend to be just a bit of a perfectionist (the only woman in my previous job that argued that her evaluation was too good) and writing tend to bring out this side of my character. Nothing I will write would be good enough. Last time I posted something it took the efforts of two betas to have me post it. And in the end one of the betas did it for me.

So…I need to stop and think, re-evaluate my reasons for writing and find out if I can do it while enjoying it. 

If I can do it believing believing positive comments (again, I know you are honest folks, I't me I simply cannot believe there is anything positive to be said about me).
If I can do it without systematically hating everything I write.
If I can do it without hating every fucking second of the creative process from the moment in which the words start forming in my brain to the moment I read the comments to the betaed and posted piece.

If I can’t I’ll express myself through photography or gardening or doing beta ( activity that gives me the greatest pleasure. I love helping writers, helping talent bloom and get recognition.) and writing non fic, until I will be ready

Hope this does make a bit more sense than what I wrote yesterday…and that I meneged not to offend too many people.

Thank you for your comments. They have been very useful in helping me to clarify and focus what the problem really was i.e. me.

You are real, precious friends, and I value you and your input greatly, so please be kind and make me hear your voices once again.

 *hugs*

Comments

[japewierd.livejournal.com]

*hugs* and you have mail, it just sometimes takes me a long time to make the words do what I want them to... which is strangely appropriate ;)

[matilda36.livejournal.com]

*hugs*

Got the mail. It was beautiful and perfectly appropriate, thank you.

[ginny305.livejournal.com]

You will get more than this later, but I'm late for work and really have to go now. *hugs* *more hugs* Would your muse like a cookie?

[matilda36.livejournal.com]

*hugs*

My muse I don't know...but I'd love them very much, thank you.

*huggles*

[moonshayde.livejournal.com]

That momnt will come and it will click. It takes time and a lot of work. But you sound like you have a plan and that is always a great way to start.

I used to write poetry to chace away the pain. I used to write fic so I could let out the pain and put it somewhere. At some point over time, that changed. I still write from the heart, but it's in a different way now. A different kind of power.

And you are right. We don't just write for ourselves. But many of us don't just write for the masses either. Some BNF's do (at least imo). But often there is a complusion to write and to have the ability to share with others. And sharing makes people like me happy. That means there is a greater emphasis on quality over quantity even if it hurts to see the BNF's that aren't good spamming up the internet.

Things are gettign a little different for me now as I move into original fic. I'm still writing fanfic but at a much slower pace. Fandom can suck the life out of you and can trap you. You have to tread carefully.

So as you're figured out your place in writing, just remember that is it about you too, and about the art of storytelling. It doesn't have to be perfect (said from a perfection) and it doesn't have to be the best thing since sliced bread. As long as it's from the heart and you believe in it, it will show in your writing.

And that is something people will appreciate.

[matilda36.livejournal.com]

*sniffs*

Thank you. This was very beautiful and very appropriate. It did touch a chord in my heart.

I have always admired the way in which you have followed your own way going for Gen or what are called "rare pairings" in a fandom obsessed by a few all consuming ships locked in wars.

You are a person of rare strenght and dignity and I deeply admire that and I am proud of being your friend.

[mickey-sixx.livejournal.com]

*hugs* You know I love you, and you know I'm here for you.

Maybe, in time, you will enjoy writing again, but it will take time. It is your body, your thoughts, your mind, and we will not push you.

You are a wonderful person and a wonderful friend, if you don't believe anything else, please believe that. I love to read your Journal because I see myself in you sometimes, and I want to be able to experience everything you go though. So I can be there for you if you need me, to listen to your problems, to rejoice in your happiness. I love that, I love experiencing that.

I said something in a comment to you ages ago that I shouldn't have said. I said 'I don't expect any more or any less from you'. You replied saying that you hopped you could live up to my expectations. Hun, I don't have any expectations, and it was wrong of me to let you think I did. You shouldn't live up to others expectations. It's only you. You shouldn't worry about what other people expect you to do, just do what you want or have to do. It's your life, don't let other people ruin it for you.

Ok, so I've said enough now. *hugs*

[matilda36.livejournal.com]

Oh honey...it's not your fault or anybody else...

it's just that I do have a basically not existent self estime and I am a bit of a perfectionist.

I do think that what I write in my journal, these entries that I am glad you enjoy are an example of my writing freakiness. Each one is a fine balance between writing the truth and communicating the truth.

Writing is painful sometimes because life is painful and to find your way to the end of the book you sometimes you need to go back to the beginning, to the reason why you wrote the book, why you accepted the pain of telling the truth.

That's what I have tried to do in this post and it has brought me marvellous replies, like yours.

And if this can make you feel better... I just of sort of kinda like claimed Odysseus and Hector for the Sylum fic challenge... because I realised that I loved the original conman too much to let anybody else claim him and that he was worth the pain.

Hope this does make sense...at least a little bit...