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matilda36Right, most of you have probably already seen this, but I am so damn proud it has been accepted as Sylum canon that I thought I share it.
For those not familiar with Sylum: Vampires exist. And they are good guys (most of them). They lead mostly normal lives, and are parts of Clans. The focus of most stories in Sylum Clan (covering most of USA teritory), but my story, that has now spawned a number of bunnies focus on the group of old, eccentric vampires called The Council. We live in Switzerland and officially are the UN of Vampires, a group of old and wise Vampires who work to keep peace and harmony amongst the Clans. In reality...
Title*: How Odysseus got his pig back”
*Author*: Odysseus
*Rating*: Children
*Disclaimer*: Don't own them. Various executives, producers, studios, and
writers owe them and have more lawyers on retainer than I want to mess with.
Not making any money and promise to return them as soon as I'm
finished with them.
*Summary*: Odysseus and the council get a good deal
*Beta*: None. All mistakes mine.Feedback welcome.
*Warning*: Nope. Extreme silliness
*Fandoms* Homer; PG Woodhouse books.
*Author's Note*: Dedicated to Kathy and Ginny, who poked me and sent me hugs and bunnies. Love you sisters.
*Author’s note the second* Thanks to Bev for letting me mess in her sandbox. To Lucas, Joe, Hawkseye and Larabee for waking up my muse.
Odysseus listened the man by his side drone and drone. He had always thought that turning Clarence Emsworth was one of Draco's best jokes. The Regency nobleman had been an annoying idiot in his lifetime, and hadn't improved an inch in his deathtime. But Clarence Emsworth, Duke of Blendings had something that Odysseus desperately wanted, so he had befriended the man, in the hope of getting his hands on the things he wanted more on this world.. Well, after Hector, obviously. A pig. Not a normal pig, mind you, but the Empress of Blandings, prizewinning pig and last surviving descendant of Cyrce's stock.
The problem was that Lord Emsworth had two subjects of conversation: one thing that he loved: his pig; and one thing he hated: his butler. Or better, his butler's mate.
One of Lord Emsworth more brilliant ideas had been to save money on domestic staff by turning his own Butler, Jeeves. It may have been a brilliant idea, Jeeves had a reputation that could compare to that of Thomas, Sylum's Manor butler, and with training time Lord Emsworth could rely on at least 50 years of perfect service, 70 by pushing the Sire/Childe bond, for close to free, but Lord Emsworth hadn't counted on 2 factors: Jeeves was way more clever than he was, and Jeeves was mated to Bertie Wooster, his former employer and the only man on earth guaranteed to make Lord Emsworth intelligent. The problem was that Wooster was not only one of the stupidest men alive (or dead), but also was a trouble magnet. The stupidest accidents, usually resulting in a monetary damage or a blood pressure raise in Lord Emsworth, seemed always to find Wooster.
Jeeves devotion to his mate had stretched the employer/butler relationship to the limit, and even the Sire/Childe relationship was starting to reach his limit.
Odysseus was just listening to another tirade on the ungratefulness of his childe, when inspiration struck him. Interrupting Emsworth in full flow Odysseus asked: "What are you willing to give if I take Jeeves out of your hands?" Emsworth stopped middle sentence, gaping and it took a good 5 minutes to his brain to register Odysseus' question. "Everything" his mouth replied before his brain was connected. Odysseus looked the smaller man in the eyes, using his superior height to pin the man "Everything?" Piqued the Duke used all the height allowed by his heels to confirm gravely "Everything" Odysseus smiled, that smile who had Achilles squirming in his skirt and the Walls of Troy tremble."So, he said offering his hand, do we have a gentlemen's agreement? Everything I want if I get rid of Wooster and Jeeves for you?" "Gentlemen agreement" answered lord Emsworth . Not wanting for the man to have the time to change his mind, Odysseus puts his hand on the man's shoulder and said " Well, give me the time to make a couple of phone calls and to speak to Jeeves, and your problem will be solved, my friend" With this he lead the still confused Duke back toward his stately home. Here he found Jeeves waiting for them, perfect as usual. Odysseus smiled to the butler. "Jeeves, may have a word with you?" Jeeves raised a perfectly arched eyebrow and without a look to his sire replied in the best Queen's English "As you wish, my lord"
They entered in a side room and Odysseus, sensing a kindred soul, got straight to the point. "I have been told you are having some disagreements with your current employer..." Jeeves face was the perfect Empire Builder's face. Not giving anything away. Odysseus continued "Lord Emsworth has asked me to see if i can find a mutually agreeable way to solve your problems" Then he continued: "So Jeeves, do you fancy coming to work for the Council?" The butler raised an eyebrow "What about my mate?" and Odysseus thought that he was going to like this man. Under the polished exterior there was a brain as sharp as his own. "It happens that there are two position available in the council at the moment. There's a desperate need of a competent butler, skilled at handling cranky old vampires and bring order in chaos, and a need for an enthusiastic secretary for the Head of the Council. He's getting old and while there are people who handle things like scheduling and typing and archiving, he needs for a companion to...keep him company" Hoping in Jeeves clemency for his diplomatic skills he carried on: "You'll get a good salary, separate accommodation and paid vacation time. " Jeeves looked straight at him "For both of us?" Yes, he was really going to like this man. "Yes, off course." Jeeves offered his hand "Mylord. I do think we have a deal". Odysseus took the hand, pleased he really had concluded a positive deal for the council. That would make the next steps easier. Lying to Hector and Minerva was becoming more and more difficult. Both of them seemed to be wary of his deals, and he felt offended that both his mate and one of his best friends had become so good at reading him. Turning to the matter at hand, he smiled to Jeeves and said "I have to make a couple of phone calls and then we are ready to go. Do you think you can be ready to leave in a couple of hours?" Jeeves looked at him, eyes penetrating "May I ask you, sir, what exactly Lord Emsworth promised you in exchange for your generous offer?"
Odysseus smiled. Yes, he really liked this man. "Everything" .
A smile appeared on the usually impassible face "Everything?"
"Everything" Odysseus confirmed. "And your intention is to take..."
"Everything" A silent understanding passed between the two men.
"I think I'll leave you to your phone calls, my lord. I do have bags to pack and interference to run"
At Odysseus raised eyebrow, he replied "We don't want Lord Emsworth to have the time to think about what he exactly has promised, don't we?"
"My dear Jeeves, I do think we are going to get on very well."
The two men bowed to each other and Jeeves was getting ready to exit when a noise from a corner attracted his attention. He found two strangely familiar eyes on the top of a large beak fixing him with a wise cunning look.
"And this beauty where it comes from?" He asked looking at the beautiful raven locked in a cage too small for him and feeling any scruple he had towards helping himself to Lord Emsworth's properties slip away.
"One of Lord Emsworth less bright ideas. The raven had taken a shine for my lord shinies, and Lord Emsworth decided that the the place of a thief was a jail"
Steely eyes fixed the butler "Do you know when I said I was going to take everything? I really meant everything. Would you mind to prepare the raven for the flight? I do have an old friend that would be happy to offer him a better home."
Jeeves bowed "Not at all, my lord, not at all." and exited.
Odysseus took a deep breath and took out his phone. Now for the difficult part.
"Hector? My beloved, how are you?"
"Odysseus? What do you want?"
"Nothing my love. Simply knowing how are you doing? I miss you you know?" He pouted.
A deep breath could be heard on the other side of the phone. "I am sorry, but usually when you call me love outside sex, it's usually because you want something"
"Why people think that when I am nice to them I want something?" Leaving the time for his offended tone to hit Hector's guilt buttons, he carried on: "Actually...I am here to help you"
"I thought you were there and not in my bed because you wanted the damn pig..."
"That too, but I got an offer too tempting to refuse..."
"Do I need to send the hunters out?"
"No but Frank would be helpful, thank you. Me, two vampire passengers, the pig and a raven. ASAP"
A sigh was heard on the other side of the line: "Do I wanna know?"
"Actually it's some sort of a gift for you..."
"Really?"
"Yeah, you know how you are always complaining about chaos at the Manor? I just got the services of the best vampire butler on the market "
"Thomas?"
"I said on the market. Thomas is off limits. Nico's fury is something that not even I am mad enough to face."
"Thanks the gods for small gifts. So this vampire butler, is he any good?"
"Yes. And his side his the perfect secretary for Albus"
"A secretary? Albus has already plenty of staff..."
"Yes, but you know how you always say he's not getting any younger and that he needs somebody at his side? Some sort of companion? This man is the perfect choice for the job: good education, enthusiastic..."
Silence on the other side of the line.
"Hector?"
"I am waiting for the other shoe to drop"
In an offended tone "I told you. There is no other shoe."
"Okay. I'll believe you when I see you. When are you coming home?"
"As soon as Frank gets here."
"Ok. I can feel you are up to something, but I can't put my finger on it. I'll send Frank on his way. I want you were I can keep an eye on you."
"And this would be?"
"Chained to my bed."
Grinning Odysseus terminated the conversation while he was winning "Can't wait to get there"
Closing the phone, Odysseus got mentally ready for the most difficult part of any well thought plan: the escape.
The next two hours were probably amongst the longest of Odysseus' of Odysseus unlife, excluding maybe the couple of hours he once spent dressed as a lamb trying to escape a furious Cyclop. He and Jeeves had kept Lord Emsworth entertained and young Wooster has proven his potential by getting on a tree to escape Lord Emsworth' Yorkshire terrier and getting stuck while Lord Emsworth took care of his little darling (called with great fantasy the Marquis of Blandings)
This provided the necessary distraction for Franks arrival. Odysseus exchange a couple of words with his trusted logistic expert and then left him and Jeeves to work out the practicalities of pig stealing...I mean of pig transportation, while he went to comfort the distressed Duke: "Be brave my friend. We'll be off as soon as we can get him down that tree. And then your life can go back to peace and quiet" Lord Emsworth perked up "Really? My friend, I don't know how to thank you enough" And in an unusual gesture, hugged Odysseus. Aware of the little, ferocious dog being squashed between their two bodies and of a suspicious wetness now running down the leg of his best Saville Row trousers, was desperately trying to squirm his way out of the embrace, when some movement around the plane made him aware that the moment was crucial and crucial moments requires sacrifices. Maybe Jeeves knew of a way of cleaning dog's urine off of expensive trousers.
So he hang to the emotional Lord for dear life, keeping his head against his shoulder, hoping that the lack of oxygen would help distract Emsworth.
Once he got the signal from Frank, Odysseus released the now dizzy Duke and his little dog too. "Lord Emsworth. Meeting you has been...an experience I'll never forget" and my trousers neither, he thought. "Now I have to go, but be sure that what I got from my stay in Blandings, will fill my heart for a long time" and with these words he left the gob smacked Duke, with the quickest dramatic exit of all history. Once on the plane, he shouted to Frank "Go!" and took his seat".
Once he was sure they were safely in the air, he turned to Jeeves, who was trying to keep his mate from arguing with the raven and said "So, Jeeves. Welcome to the Council. May I ask if you know of a way to get rid of urine stain from cashmere?" Jeeves raised an eyebrow. "Am I right in guessing that the Marquis stroke again?" At Odysseus nod the butler carried on "I am sad to say that I have years of experience in this field. If you let me have the trousers, I'll sort the problem for you"
Satisfied by the answer and the success of his plan, Odysseus relaxed and his thoughts shifted to the welcome his mate had promised him...
Unbeknown by Odysseus, a cry was heard in Blandings that same moment "Nooooooooooo.Damn Odysseus. You are going to pay for the pignapping!"
Fin?
For those not familiar with Sylum: Vampires exist. And they are good guys (most of them). They lead mostly normal lives, and are parts of Clans. The focus of most stories in Sylum Clan (covering most of USA teritory), but my story, that has now spawned a number of bunnies focus on the group of old, eccentric vampires called The Council. We live in Switzerland and officially are the UN of Vampires, a group of old and wise Vampires who work to keep peace and harmony amongst the Clans. In reality...
Title*: How Odysseus got his pig back”
*Author*: Odysseus
*Rating*: Children
*Disclaimer*: Don't own them. Various executives, producers, studios, and
writers owe them and have more lawyers on retainer than I want to mess with.
Not making any money and promise to return them as soon as I'm
finished with them.
*Summary*: Odysseus and the council get a good deal
*Beta*: None. All mistakes mine.Feedback welcome.
*Warning*: Nope. Extreme silliness
*Fandoms* Homer; PG Woodhouse books.
*Author's Note*: Dedicated to Kathy and Ginny, who poked me and sent me hugs and bunnies. Love you sisters.
*Author’s note the second* Thanks to Bev for letting me mess in her sandbox. To Lucas, Joe, Hawkseye and Larabee for waking up my muse.
Odysseus listened the man by his side drone and drone. He had always thought that turning Clarence Emsworth was one of Draco's best jokes. The Regency nobleman had been an annoying idiot in his lifetime, and hadn't improved an inch in his deathtime. But Clarence Emsworth, Duke of Blendings had something that Odysseus desperately wanted, so he had befriended the man, in the hope of getting his hands on the things he wanted more on this world.. Well, after Hector, obviously. A pig. Not a normal pig, mind you, but the Empress of Blandings, prizewinning pig and last surviving descendant of Cyrce's stock.
The problem was that Lord Emsworth had two subjects of conversation: one thing that he loved: his pig; and one thing he hated: his butler. Or better, his butler's mate.
One of Lord Emsworth more brilliant ideas had been to save money on domestic staff by turning his own Butler, Jeeves. It may have been a brilliant idea, Jeeves had a reputation that could compare to that of Thomas, Sylum's Manor butler, and with training time Lord Emsworth could rely on at least 50 years of perfect service, 70 by pushing the Sire/Childe bond, for close to free, but Lord Emsworth hadn't counted on 2 factors: Jeeves was way more clever than he was, and Jeeves was mated to Bertie Wooster, his former employer and the only man on earth guaranteed to make Lord Emsworth intelligent. The problem was that Wooster was not only one of the stupidest men alive (or dead), but also was a trouble magnet. The stupidest accidents, usually resulting in a monetary damage or a blood pressure raise in Lord Emsworth, seemed always to find Wooster.
Jeeves devotion to his mate had stretched the employer/butler relationship to the limit, and even the Sire/Childe relationship was starting to reach his limit.
Odysseus was just listening to another tirade on the ungratefulness of his childe, when inspiration struck him. Interrupting Emsworth in full flow Odysseus asked: "What are you willing to give if I take Jeeves out of your hands?" Emsworth stopped middle sentence, gaping and it took a good 5 minutes to his brain to register Odysseus' question. "Everything" his mouth replied before his brain was connected. Odysseus looked the smaller man in the eyes, using his superior height to pin the man "Everything?" Piqued the Duke used all the height allowed by his heels to confirm gravely "Everything" Odysseus smiled, that smile who had Achilles squirming in his skirt and the Walls of Troy tremble."So, he said offering his hand, do we have a gentlemen's agreement? Everything I want if I get rid of Wooster and Jeeves for you?" "Gentlemen agreement" answered lord Emsworth . Not wanting for the man to have the time to change his mind, Odysseus puts his hand on the man's shoulder and said " Well, give me the time to make a couple of phone calls and to speak to Jeeves, and your problem will be solved, my friend" With this he lead the still confused Duke back toward his stately home. Here he found Jeeves waiting for them, perfect as usual. Odysseus smiled to the butler. "Jeeves, may have a word with you?" Jeeves raised a perfectly arched eyebrow and without a look to his sire replied in the best Queen's English "As you wish, my lord"
They entered in a side room and Odysseus, sensing a kindred soul, got straight to the point. "I have been told you are having some disagreements with your current employer..." Jeeves face was the perfect Empire Builder's face. Not giving anything away. Odysseus continued "Lord Emsworth has asked me to see if i can find a mutually agreeable way to solve your problems" Then he continued: "So Jeeves, do you fancy coming to work for the Council?" The butler raised an eyebrow "What about my mate?" and Odysseus thought that he was going to like this man. Under the polished exterior there was a brain as sharp as his own. "It happens that there are two position available in the council at the moment. There's a desperate need of a competent butler, skilled at handling cranky old vampires and bring order in chaos, and a need for an enthusiastic secretary for the Head of the Council. He's getting old and while there are people who handle things like scheduling and typing and archiving, he needs for a companion to...keep him company" Hoping in Jeeves clemency for his diplomatic skills he carried on: "You'll get a good salary, separate accommodation and paid vacation time. " Jeeves looked straight at him "For both of us?" Yes, he was really going to like this man. "Yes, off course." Jeeves offered his hand "Mylord. I do think we have a deal". Odysseus took the hand, pleased he really had concluded a positive deal for the council. That would make the next steps easier. Lying to Hector and Minerva was becoming more and more difficult. Both of them seemed to be wary of his deals, and he felt offended that both his mate and one of his best friends had become so good at reading him. Turning to the matter at hand, he smiled to Jeeves and said "I have to make a couple of phone calls and then we are ready to go. Do you think you can be ready to leave in a couple of hours?" Jeeves looked at him, eyes penetrating "May I ask you, sir, what exactly Lord Emsworth promised you in exchange for your generous offer?"
Odysseus smiled. Yes, he really liked this man. "Everything" .
A smile appeared on the usually impassible face "Everything?"
"Everything" Odysseus confirmed. "And your intention is to take..."
"Everything" A silent understanding passed between the two men.
"I think I'll leave you to your phone calls, my lord. I do have bags to pack and interference to run"
At Odysseus raised eyebrow, he replied "We don't want Lord Emsworth to have the time to think about what he exactly has promised, don't we?"
"My dear Jeeves, I do think we are going to get on very well."
The two men bowed to each other and Jeeves was getting ready to exit when a noise from a corner attracted his attention. He found two strangely familiar eyes on the top of a large beak fixing him with a wise cunning look.
"And this beauty where it comes from?" He asked looking at the beautiful raven locked in a cage too small for him and feeling any scruple he had towards helping himself to Lord Emsworth's properties slip away.
"One of Lord Emsworth less bright ideas. The raven had taken a shine for my lord shinies, and Lord Emsworth decided that the the place of a thief was a jail"
Steely eyes fixed the butler "Do you know when I said I was going to take everything? I really meant everything. Would you mind to prepare the raven for the flight? I do have an old friend that would be happy to offer him a better home."
Jeeves bowed "Not at all, my lord, not at all." and exited.
Odysseus took a deep breath and took out his phone. Now for the difficult part.
"Hector? My beloved, how are you?"
"Odysseus? What do you want?"
"Nothing my love. Simply knowing how are you doing? I miss you you know?" He pouted.
A deep breath could be heard on the other side of the phone. "I am sorry, but usually when you call me love outside sex, it's usually because you want something"
"Why people think that when I am nice to them I want something?" Leaving the time for his offended tone to hit Hector's guilt buttons, he carried on: "Actually...I am here to help you"
"I thought you were there and not in my bed because you wanted the damn pig..."
"That too, but I got an offer too tempting to refuse..."
"Do I need to send the hunters out?"
"No but Frank would be helpful, thank you. Me, two vampire passengers, the pig and a raven. ASAP"
A sigh was heard on the other side of the line: "Do I wanna know?"
"Actually it's some sort of a gift for you..."
"Really?"
"Yeah, you know how you are always complaining about chaos at the Manor? I just got the services of the best vampire butler on the market "
"Thomas?"
"I said on the market. Thomas is off limits. Nico's fury is something that not even I am mad enough to face."
"Thanks the gods for small gifts. So this vampire butler, is he any good?"
"Yes. And his side his the perfect secretary for Albus"
"A secretary? Albus has already plenty of staff..."
"Yes, but you know how you always say he's not getting any younger and that he needs somebody at his side? Some sort of companion? This man is the perfect choice for the job: good education, enthusiastic..."
Silence on the other side of the line.
"Hector?"
"I am waiting for the other shoe to drop"
In an offended tone "I told you. There is no other shoe."
"Okay. I'll believe you when I see you. When are you coming home?"
"As soon as Frank gets here."
"Ok. I can feel you are up to something, but I can't put my finger on it. I'll send Frank on his way. I want you were I can keep an eye on you."
"And this would be?"
"Chained to my bed."
Grinning Odysseus terminated the conversation while he was winning "Can't wait to get there"
Closing the phone, Odysseus got mentally ready for the most difficult part of any well thought plan: the escape.
The next two hours were probably amongst the longest of Odysseus' of Odysseus unlife, excluding maybe the couple of hours he once spent dressed as a lamb trying to escape a furious Cyclop. He and Jeeves had kept Lord Emsworth entertained and young Wooster has proven his potential by getting on a tree to escape Lord Emsworth' Yorkshire terrier and getting stuck while Lord Emsworth took care of his little darling (called with great fantasy the Marquis of Blandings)
This provided the necessary distraction for Franks arrival. Odysseus exchange a couple of words with his trusted logistic expert and then left him and Jeeves to work out the practicalities of pig stealing...I mean of pig transportation, while he went to comfort the distressed Duke: "Be brave my friend. We'll be off as soon as we can get him down that tree. And then your life can go back to peace and quiet" Lord Emsworth perked up "Really? My friend, I don't know how to thank you enough" And in an unusual gesture, hugged Odysseus. Aware of the little, ferocious dog being squashed between their two bodies and of a suspicious wetness now running down the leg of his best Saville Row trousers, was desperately trying to squirm his way out of the embrace, when some movement around the plane made him aware that the moment was crucial and crucial moments requires sacrifices. Maybe Jeeves knew of a way of cleaning dog's urine off of expensive trousers.
So he hang to the emotional Lord for dear life, keeping his head against his shoulder, hoping that the lack of oxygen would help distract Emsworth.
Once he got the signal from Frank, Odysseus released the now dizzy Duke and his little dog too. "Lord Emsworth. Meeting you has been...an experience I'll never forget" and my trousers neither, he thought. "Now I have to go, but be sure that what I got from my stay in Blandings, will fill my heart for a long time" and with these words he left the gob smacked Duke, with the quickest dramatic exit of all history. Once on the plane, he shouted to Frank "Go!" and took his seat".
Once he was sure they were safely in the air, he turned to Jeeves, who was trying to keep his mate from arguing with the raven and said "So, Jeeves. Welcome to the Council. May I ask if you know of a way to get rid of urine stain from cashmere?" Jeeves raised an eyebrow. "Am I right in guessing that the Marquis stroke again?" At Odysseus nod the butler carried on "I am sad to say that I have years of experience in this field. If you let me have the trousers, I'll sort the problem for you"
Satisfied by the answer and the success of his plan, Odysseus relaxed and his thoughts shifted to the welcome his mate had promised him...
Unbeknown by Odysseus, a cry was heard in Blandings that same moment "Nooooooooooo.Damn Odysseus. You are going to pay for the pignapping!"
Fin?
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no subject
Date: 2006-03-23 04:41 am (UTC)I did have one suggestion. The current layout is a bit hard on the eyes. Might I suggest some paragraph breaks and seperating out conversations, so each new speaker's words start at the left margin?
I hope the bunny is still hanging around, becuase I'd love,love,*love* to see more of Odysseus' adventures
no subject
Date: 2006-03-23 02:16 pm (UTC)The sequel (the first one, because this bunny not only is hanging around but reproducing at the speed of light)just got back from the Beta Shop (Thanks Frank) and will be hopefully be on list in a day or two. :)