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matilda36I am looking around me and seeing a lot of unhappy, tired people. People that I like, people that I love. This applies both to RL that to VL.
Well. I don't like it. It makes me cranky. There's little I can do to help them, except offering my love and sharing what is my experience. So, I decided to do it. This is me. Never pretended to be special, a leader or a guru. Simply me. Take what you want from this or leave it. Your choice.
Comments welcome. Flaming will be ignored.
For those who friended me only recently that's my story.
I 2004 I had a nervous breakdown. I was working your average London 40 hours week, with a daily 2 hours commute on top, living on a diet whose four nutritional groups were Caffeine, Sugar, Fat and junk, barely managing to live on my salary, having OCD symptoms, anxiety and panic attacks (often in the middle of the night, hence insomnia), being angry all the time, crying often without motive and starting to have suicide thoughts. Not mentioning the back pain, headaches and stomach pain.
I asked for help: I received it, sometimes from people that I expected it from, sometimes from those who I didn't.
I decided to leave London, did come back to Italy, found myself a good therapist and started putting my pieces together.
It has been a long journey to here.
I left my job to focus on working on my health, and now I am getting ready for a completely different kind of job. With less career opportunities, but more rewards and closer to who I am.
I discovered that I wasn't the person I thought I was, but a better one.
I had to stop looking at myself the way I thought people looked at me, or better the way I thought people looked at me. And look at me.
I had to stop measuring myself by the standards i thought were in use. And look at me.
I stopped relying on my intelligence to get me through life, and started listening to my feelings.
I made a trip into my past and didn't like it much. I finally had to accept an history of use and abuse and deal with it.
I had to stop thinking like a victim and start thinking like a lover. Of myself first and foremost.
I had to make some pretty radical changes on the way I dealt with people. Getting out of co-dependency mode and accepting responsibility of myself. That is much more difficult than to take responsibility of others, believe me.
I had to accept that I am angry. Stop hiding behind all my "Anger is an useless emotion that I don't make room for" bullshit and accept that not only I am angry, but that I am so terrified of my own anger that I spend the greatest part of my energies in a)being angry b)finding new and painful ways to deny I am angry". And even if I have accepted the concept this doesn't mean I am less terrified by the angry person inside me. Keep looking at it wearily.
Last week I took a further step in my journey. I went to a chiropractor. It has been a complete shock. He straightened my back so much that I can't twist it anymore into all these defensive positions I loved so much. He forced down my throat the idea that not only I had a body, but that body could be pleasant, pleasurable and source of pleasure. Didn't really like it. But I have come far enough in my journey to give it a try.
So now I am dealing with the fact that my armour of fat and hair was not something I had to accept, but an excuse to avoid living. I have to deal with the fact I have breast and that they make me a woman. I have to deal with the fact that I am a woman and not a potato and that taking care of this woman's body is a pleasant activity. Not liking it, but the moment I booked that visit I made a choice, and I like my choice. Not liking the liking either, but that's life.
Ok. What's the point in all this?
The point is, my dear folks, that I learned a lot of things during my still ongoing journey, but one is the one that alone makes it worthy.
There are a lot of things that we cannot choose in life. We cannot choose our family of origin, we cannot choose our childhood, we cannot choose the directions of world economy, we cannot choose the prejudices and values of the society we live in. We cannot choose what the people around us do, think or say. Not even those we love. We cannot choose what is going to happen to the people around us, or what they will choose. Not even those we love.
What we can choose is how we deal with it.
We can choose if to allow ourselves to be loved, or if to hate the world.
We can choose if to enjoy the beauty Nature offers us, or if to fix our eyes on the ugliness man made of this world.
We can choose if to make anyone of our daily acts a moral, ethical, life affirming one or if to trow away another chance to make this a better place. We can choose if to brood on the darkness of the Past or the secret pleasant memories that secretly keep us alive.
We can choose if to approach people with a smile or with a grunt.
We can choose what hurt us and what is other people's negativity.
We can choose if the glass is half full or half empty.
I have looked everywhere i could think of,outside and inside me, and i am looking forward to explore more of both places, and I made a choice.
Some people told me I am brave to have started the journey. Some told me I am brave in sharing it. I never saw it this way. For me it was a need. It still is a need.
Because i choose to hope.
Well. I don't like it. It makes me cranky. There's little I can do to help them, except offering my love and sharing what is my experience. So, I decided to do it. This is me. Never pretended to be special, a leader or a guru. Simply me. Take what you want from this or leave it. Your choice.
Comments welcome. Flaming will be ignored.
For those who friended me only recently that's my story.
I 2004 I had a nervous breakdown. I was working your average London 40 hours week, with a daily 2 hours commute on top, living on a diet whose four nutritional groups were Caffeine, Sugar, Fat and junk, barely managing to live on my salary, having OCD symptoms, anxiety and panic attacks (often in the middle of the night, hence insomnia), being angry all the time, crying often without motive and starting to have suicide thoughts. Not mentioning the back pain, headaches and stomach pain.
I asked for help: I received it, sometimes from people that I expected it from, sometimes from those who I didn't.
I decided to leave London, did come back to Italy, found myself a good therapist and started putting my pieces together.
It has been a long journey to here.
I left my job to focus on working on my health, and now I am getting ready for a completely different kind of job. With less career opportunities, but more rewards and closer to who I am.
I discovered that I wasn't the person I thought I was, but a better one.
I had to stop looking at myself the way I thought people looked at me, or better the way I thought people looked at me. And look at me.
I had to stop measuring myself by the standards i thought were in use. And look at me.
I stopped relying on my intelligence to get me through life, and started listening to my feelings.
I made a trip into my past and didn't like it much. I finally had to accept an history of use and abuse and deal with it.
I had to stop thinking like a victim and start thinking like a lover. Of myself first and foremost.
I had to make some pretty radical changes on the way I dealt with people. Getting out of co-dependency mode and accepting responsibility of myself. That is much more difficult than to take responsibility of others, believe me.
I had to accept that I am angry. Stop hiding behind all my "Anger is an useless emotion that I don't make room for" bullshit and accept that not only I am angry, but that I am so terrified of my own anger that I spend the greatest part of my energies in a)being angry b)finding new and painful ways to deny I am angry". And even if I have accepted the concept this doesn't mean I am less terrified by the angry person inside me. Keep looking at it wearily.
Last week I took a further step in my journey. I went to a chiropractor. It has been a complete shock. He straightened my back so much that I can't twist it anymore into all these defensive positions I loved so much. He forced down my throat the idea that not only I had a body, but that body could be pleasant, pleasurable and source of pleasure. Didn't really like it. But I have come far enough in my journey to give it a try.
So now I am dealing with the fact that my armour of fat and hair was not something I had to accept, but an excuse to avoid living. I have to deal with the fact I have breast and that they make me a woman. I have to deal with the fact that I am a woman and not a potato and that taking care of this woman's body is a pleasant activity. Not liking it, but the moment I booked that visit I made a choice, and I like my choice. Not liking the liking either, but that's life.
Ok. What's the point in all this?
The point is, my dear folks, that I learned a lot of things during my still ongoing journey, but one is the one that alone makes it worthy.
There are a lot of things that we cannot choose in life. We cannot choose our family of origin, we cannot choose our childhood, we cannot choose the directions of world economy, we cannot choose the prejudices and values of the society we live in. We cannot choose what the people around us do, think or say. Not even those we love. We cannot choose what is going to happen to the people around us, or what they will choose. Not even those we love.
What we can choose is how we deal with it.
We can choose if to allow ourselves to be loved, or if to hate the world.
We can choose if to enjoy the beauty Nature offers us, or if to fix our eyes on the ugliness man made of this world.
We can choose if to make anyone of our daily acts a moral, ethical, life affirming one or if to trow away another chance to make this a better place. We can choose if to brood on the darkness of the Past or the secret pleasant memories that secretly keep us alive.
We can choose if to approach people with a smile or with a grunt.
We can choose what hurt us and what is other people's negativity.
We can choose if the glass is half full or half empty.
I have looked everywhere i could think of,outside and inside me, and i am looking forward to explore more of both places, and I made a choice.
Some people told me I am brave to have started the journey. Some told me I am brave in sharing it. I never saw it this way. For me it was a need. It still is a need.
Because i choose to hope.
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no subject
Date: 2006-02-23 04:02 pm (UTC)And why not be? I mean, courage is a positive emotion [IMO]and a helpful ally for motivating change. I say you are brave because the choices you have made to face your life with honesty and hope are not easy...but you chose them anyway. I understand how this is a need for you, but it could have remained a need ignored. So...Bravo to you!
Your choice of hope inspires. Thank you for sharing it - and your story - with us.
Much love from me, with some hugs for good measure.
no subject
Date: 2006-02-23 04:20 pm (UTC)You know, sometimes that's enough...more than enough...
Deciding to change something usually requires courage. Actually doing something, *changing* something, too. And I'm deeply impressed by your courage. and *hugs*, just because.
Kathie
no subject
Date: 2006-02-23 05:25 pm (UTC)I have no idea what to say to that. I know what I want to say, but I can't actually form the words at this moment.
That was so inspirational. And so true. To choose to start a journey that must have been difficult, yet so rewarding, makes you brave. To choose to share it with us makes you brave. I'm glad you are finding yourself and finding out where you stand in this world. *hugs you* You are an inspiration.
xxx
no subject
Date: 2006-02-24 07:29 am (UTC)Thank you. I simply never thought of myself as brave because my needs have learnt through the years to make themselves manifest very loudly, so loudly that I cannot ignore them. But you are right. Courage is a positive emotion and need to be celebrated.
I do still remember first hearing Thoreau's words:"Most men lead lives of quiet desperation." They often come to my mind when I look at people's eyes. I remember just before Christmas going at the shopping mall a Sunday morning and looking at the couples here. Not a sparkle in their eyes filled of this quiet desperation. They were clearly together but no love was exchanged while they politely spent money to say "I love you" in their place.
I am lucky, I can't be like that. It literally kills my soul. I tried and paid the price. So, I had to choose to be "brave" or die.
But probably it is time we celebrate the courage of living, as another possible way to make this world a better place for all.
*Returns willingly love and hugs*
You are a great girl, we need to find a time to chat. I am on GMT+1 (Continental Europe), and rugby aside, I am going to be home this weekend (a girl needs her fix of hunks in tight shorts fighting in the mud). Give me a time and place (Googletalk or yahooIM) and I'll be there.
no subject
Date: 2006-02-24 08:00 am (UTC)I do my best to make love enough, but sometimes I feel frustrated not to be able to do more. That's why I decided to share my story. As an attempt to reach out a little bit more.
Lots of love, my dear, hope your voice comes back soon.
no subject
Date: 2006-02-24 08:02 am (UTC)An inspiration? Little silly me? Thank you darling. You are an inspiration too, with your little daily quiet displays of affection.
I treasure each and every one.
Lots of love.