(no subject)

[matilda36]

Can somebody explain to me why there's not an icon on lj who says Premenstrual?
It would make life so much easier to explain.

Ok. Let's start with the good news. I decided what i want to do when I grow up and started setting things in motion to do it. Keep your fingers crossed for me.

Half rant/half explation of my swinging moods recently follows. Feel free to skip.


For the last two years I have been working with a therapist to sort out some problems related to my childhood that buried as they were had led me on the verge of self-destruction.

We work well together, and we have managed giant steps. Recently we have started working seriously on my memories of my childhood. I knew i didn't had the best of childhood, but what I never admitted to myself is how much my childhood had damaged me.

A couple of weeks ago a combination of factors had me releasing some very painful repressed memories. This is very good, because it allows me to finally come face to face with my demons, but it is also making me very skittish, whiny, and fragile.

I am completely rebuilding my interior landscape, and while it is a landscape of laughter, love, creativity, unexpected strenght and ability to connect to people, it is also a landscape of difficult decisions to make.

How do you live knowing you have been (and still in part are) a victim, that you not only will never get justice, but that you will be called to take care of the person who most hurt you?

Is mental illness a valid defense?

How can you forgive, if the other not only doesn't accept your forgiveness, but refuse to admit to any wrong doing?

How can you take care of somebody you can't forgive?



These are some of the questions I am trying to answer at the moment. So please forgive me if I am weirder and more pensive than usual. I am simply learning to live.

ETA: Thanks to everybody for the love and the advice. I am taking all in and i will reply to everybody tomorrow.
*Hugs*

Comments

[mickey-sixx.livejournal.com]

*cuddles you* Its understandable to be confused. Forgiving someone is the hardest thing to do, and if you are able to do that, you are able to do anything, luv. Hang in there, and know that there are always people who are there for you, if not in body then in sprirt, and we will keep you in out minds and hearts.
xxx

[matilda36.livejournal.com]

*Hugs back*

Thanks for your support. You don't know how important is for me :)

[japewierd.livejournal.com]

How do you live knowing you have been (and still in part are) a victim, that you not only will never get justice, but that you will be called to take care of the person who most hurt you?

Victim status is partially a state of mind I think. Yes bad things happen, but it's how you choose to let them affect you from here on out that defines whether you perceive yourself as a victim, and are therefore more likely to let other things happen to you now.

Obviously it's more difficult when it's something that happened to you in your formative years, it went a long way to making you the person you are now, but there comes a point when you have to draw a line under it. Accept that it happened and that there is nothing you can do to change the past but resolve that you won't let it influence the way you live your life now and interact with the rest of the world.

Is mental illness a valid defense?

In most of the courts that I know of yes.

However that doesn't mean that what they did was right or that they shouldn't be punished for doing it (by whatever power) but it does go some way towards explaining their actions.

How can you forgive, if the other not only doesn't accept your forgiveness, but refuse to admit to any wrong doing?

Forgiveness has absolutely nothing to do with the other person. If they ever accept their wrong-doing and your forgiveness that is a bonus. Forgiveness is all about you. About how you feel. About letting go of the past and standing on a firm base looking forward instead of constantly checking over your shoulder.

How can you take care of somebody you can't forgive?

Probably very badly.

Looking after someone that you can't forgive just sets you both on a long and painful journey. Far better IMO to give the care of said person over to other people who are better equipped to look after them.

This person obviously didn't care for you properly during your childhood and so the consequences of their actions is that you won't be able to care for them they way they think you should in return. That's called karma.

------------------------

All of which probably flies in the face of what your therapist told you but it's my opinion. The only way you can do what is right for you is to learn to listen to your heart. For the most part we do know what is best for us, we just have to learn to do that even if it flies in the face of what society expects of us.

And it's entirely possible that I contradict myself in those statements *g*

*hugs*

So is being a grown-up fun, or should I just stay the way I am? ;)

[matilda36.livejournal.com]

Victim status is partially a state of mind I think. Yes bad things happen, but it's how you choose to let them affect you from here on out that defines whether you perceive yourself as a victim, and are therefore more likely to let other things happen to you now.

I do agree with you totally on this. I do think that part of the difficulties I am having comes from the fact that I cannot accept anymore to be a victim. And the cannot is not an attempt to convince myself, but something that comes from deep into my heart.

Forgiveness has absolutely nothing to do with the other person. If they ever accept their wrong-doing and your forgiveness that is a bonus. Forgiveness is all about you. About how you feel. About letting go of the past and standing on a firm base looking forward instead of constantly checking over your shoulder.

How can I sit tonight in front of that person and eat at the same table knowing that by refusing to accept his responsibilities he is refusing me the right to suffer from his wrongdoings? I am stuck on this. It feels as if I do not have permission to mourn, to live my pain and to let it go.

This person obviously didn't care for you properly during your childhood and so the consequences of their actions is that you won't be able to care for them they way they think you should in return. That's called karma.

This is probably the best bit of advice somebody has given me on the subject. Thank you for this and for taking the time to give me this.

So is being a grown-up fun, or should I just stay the way I am? ;)

Hey, who said I am a grown-up?

[japewierd.livejournal.com]

Absolutely, but the internal conviction that it is wrong is just the first part. Any kind of change that is worthwhile won't come overnight. It will take time, you will have to work at it, and you will have setbacks.

Not feeling that you have permission to mourn is part of the overall problem really. You are the only one who can give you permission to mourn the things that you should have had by right. Taking back control of your mind when other people have affected it for so long is hard, but it's possible. You're strong, you can do it.

Wonder if I could have fitted any more cliches into that ;) Although they are cliches because they are true and bear repeating.

And the grown-up thing, oops my bad, you said when I grow-up. Personally I think growing up is highly overrated :)

*more hugs*

[crowgirl13.livejournal.com]

Thank you for sharing your current mindspace. That's quite difficult to do, particularly in this medium. So, bravo to you and your courage.:D

The questions that you've laid forth are troubling ones, for sure. It seems like you are really grappling with them [successfully too, if I am interpreting your comments correctly], which is also courageous and amazing. Notice that I didn't say easy. :) Self-knowledge is always a challenging pursuit...and not everyone can be that steadfast. The advice given so far is good stuff; all I have to add [or rather, re-emphasize] is be true to yourself. Really *listen* to your gut and your heart and your instincts. And yeah, that's not always the societal approved approach...but it's the most worthwhile one to take.

Oh, and one more thing: don't be afraid to ask for help. I think you'd be surprised by the support and encouragement you'd find amidst your pals. I, for one, am always willing to listen, offer a shoulder for crying...etc.

Hugs. You rock.

Love~
T.~

[joereaves.livejournal.com]

*big hugs* You'll be surprised how many people, especially in our clan, are eager at the very least give you a big hug even if they can't help in any other way.

Of course we're not psychic so you do have to let us know you *need* a hug....

Now about that icon .... got any ideas for what picture you want? I can think of two Empire caps right off, maybe three, that would work, got any other ideas? I know for a fact my mate and I could do with an icon saying that and I think Con has a reputation for threatening to stab her nutballs when she's PMSing (mind you she does that the rest of the month too)

[hannibalbronwen.livejournal.com]

*hugs* It's okay, Hun. Belive me, I understand.

On the plus side, I've made you an icon! Enjoy.