Fragile

[matilda36]

I woke up in a panic this morning. Just panicking. My heart was beating fast, I was nearly crying and I could barely breathe. I am still shaking. I am scared, scared of eveerything.

At the moment my biggest fear is not to be good enough for my job. Maybe it's the cold that I am only now overcoming, but last week I felt so dumb, so slow, so inadequate. I was so scared. I am still scared. I know they appreciate me and need me at the moment, but what happens when April comes? Yeah I know April is a long way and maybe I will be over this depression that's slowly falling over me.

Autumn is always hard for me. It's the season of the year where my problems are more acute. I have been known to end up suicidal. I got myself medicated before reaching for the tools, but the thoughts have been there.

Last year it wasn't that bad, but this year it looks bad. Now I have two alternatives: hide into my safeguards, like I have been doing till now, sleeping, reading and eating junk food.

Or I can try something different. I can try to replace this feeling of death inside with life. I can start with staying up in the morning after Jake goes to bed, so I avoid further nightmares and I have time to do something more than eat breakfast and read.

I am not gonna make further promises, I am too fragile for that. I am very, very fragile at the moment, but that I can do. and NaBloPoMo is helping too, forcing me to write it out, to express the feelings inside me. 

That's the reason why I started to keep a blog. I wanted a journal open to the world but with a therapeutic function. I was lonely and sick and needed out of my mind.

Just like now.

Comments

[herbmcsidhe.livejournal.com]

Have you discussed with your medical team if there might be a correlation between the diminishing sunlight of autumn and the cycle starts? If can find them, I suggest some full-spectrum lights to use at home (and I really need to do this for my own home, as well!). I have reliably been told that even 15-20 minutes a day in full spectrum lighting can make a world of difference.

[matilda36.livejournal.com]

I actually discussed it with him and he said that the change of season was probably affecting my mood, but I am not sure I could sell him on full spectrum lights. He's a psychiatrist who believes in medication (and working in a public structure has just time enough to spend with his patients to check the meds are working), so I am not sure about Full spectrum lights.

I know them because an old flatmate swore by them, so I'll look into it.

Thanks for the advice :)

[herbmcsidhe.livejournal.com]

I don't know if it's just the season turning or what - but it seems as if everyone I know who has any form of mental health issue is suffering right now, moreso than usual for this time of year (myself included). Even the most up person I know has been down.

[matilda36.livejournal.com]

I think the world looks like a scary place at the moment: the economy, war and violence everywhere. People are afraid of loosing what they have dear... I know it affects me.