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matilda36...that there is a potential psychopath inside me. Never leave me or hurt me in any way. I am very susceptible to these things. And I can hurt you. And the thought of hurting who hurt me makes me feel damn good.
I need to learn how to express my emotions properly or I will do something very dangerous. I had a couple of close shaves, because I tend to go for the masochistic option usually, but my will to be free is getting stronger everyday. There are some positive things, like the fact that I am seeking professional help and being honest with my doctor (after today if he thought I was dangerous he would probably have me put in an hospital or at least heavily medicated) and the fact that I am writing this. I can be jealous, possessive and paranoid. I tend towards obssessivity and I cling to my duties like they are the only way to save my life. I cling to them because they will never leave me alone. I have abandonment issues. Sense of duty was what I was told will avoid me being left alone. I have made my peace with my mother, now it's time I make peace with my father. Not the real one, but the one that let me hold the wrong hand that day and then laughed about it. Then...I can start healing, like I did with my mother. Tomorrow it will be a day of fasting and meditating. I will light a white candle and use it to let it go. To let it go of all the times he wasn't there. Of all the time nobody was there, too busy, too scared or simply not knowing what I needed. I will make peace and then focus on the thing that I have been trying to focus on since I started my healing journey by acknowledging my wound: discovering me. I have already stared discovering some nice things, I'd like to carry on. I have discovered that I am a woman and not a scared child. I have discovered that I am not easily influenced, even if I look so. Because the Goddess has put something strong inside me. Something that is me, only I have never had a chance to meet the Goddess in me. Or better, I meet her, only never had time to spend with her. Too busy hurting. Or being afraid to hurt. Or hitting out in fear and revenge. Tomorrow I will make my peace with you Dad. Not sure it will help us, but it will help me. I'll remember the good times and the bad times, your kindness and your anger, your words and your silence. And your "serene determination" too. I will say sorry for the times I hurt you and I will forgive for the times you hurt me. I will remember and clean the slate. I will walk in the park looking for berries and I will clean my bed linen and then wash my hair. I will center and focus and I will heal. I will dance, I will talk to strangers and I will celebrate. I will celebrate love, history, lessons taught and lesson learnt. I will celebrate healing and forgiveness. All by myself. Because it all happened inside me.
Ok, I think I just carried away. A version of it happened inside me, another one happened inside my father and only he can deal with it. Maybe he has. He said that he wants to walk a path of serenity and joy, so there's hope. But I need to sort out my interior landscape first. Whatever the future holds. And I'll dedicate tomorrow to a spot of gardening. May the Goddess bless my work.
I need to learn how to express my emotions properly or I will do something very dangerous. I had a couple of close shaves, because I tend to go for the masochistic option usually, but my will to be free is getting stronger everyday. There are some positive things, like the fact that I am seeking professional help and being honest with my doctor (after today if he thought I was dangerous he would probably have me put in an hospital or at least heavily medicated) and the fact that I am writing this. I can be jealous, possessive and paranoid. I tend towards obssessivity and I cling to my duties like they are the only way to save my life. I cling to them because they will never leave me alone. I have abandonment issues. Sense of duty was what I was told will avoid me being left alone. I have made my peace with my mother, now it's time I make peace with my father. Not the real one, but the one that let me hold the wrong hand that day and then laughed about it. Then...I can start healing, like I did with my mother. Tomorrow it will be a day of fasting and meditating. I will light a white candle and use it to let it go. To let it go of all the times he wasn't there. Of all the time nobody was there, too busy, too scared or simply not knowing what I needed. I will make peace and then focus on the thing that I have been trying to focus on since I started my healing journey by acknowledging my wound: discovering me. I have already stared discovering some nice things, I'd like to carry on. I have discovered that I am a woman and not a scared child. I have discovered that I am not easily influenced, even if I look so. Because the Goddess has put something strong inside me. Something that is me, only I have never had a chance to meet the Goddess in me. Or better, I meet her, only never had time to spend with her. Too busy hurting. Or being afraid to hurt. Or hitting out in fear and revenge. Tomorrow I will make my peace with you Dad. Not sure it will help us, but it will help me. I'll remember the good times and the bad times, your kindness and your anger, your words and your silence. And your "serene determination" too. I will say sorry for the times I hurt you and I will forgive for the times you hurt me. I will remember and clean the slate. I will walk in the park looking for berries and I will clean my bed linen and then wash my hair. I will center and focus and I will heal. I will dance, I will talk to strangers and I will celebrate. I will celebrate love, history, lessons taught and lesson learnt. I will celebrate healing and forgiveness. All by myself. Because it all happened inside me.
Ok, I think I just carried away. A version of it happened inside me, another one happened inside my father and only he can deal with it. Maybe he has. He said that he wants to walk a path of serenity and joy, so there's hope. But I need to sort out my interior landscape first. Whatever the future holds. And I'll dedicate tomorrow to a spot of gardening. May the Goddess bless my work.
