Hail Hail the Corn King!
Aug. 1st, 2004 09:32 am![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
matilda36Today is Lammas, celebration of harvest and the corn king. I ate a gingerbread man, lightened a candle and, inspired by my long phone chat with Giuliana, I want to dedicate this day to my own Corn King.
Dear dad, I love you. I love you so much that sometimes I wonder if it healthy, how much I love you. But I am angry with you and I am terrified of you and I am going to write it down today, because I don't want to be anymore.
I am angry with you because you loved her more than you loved me, and when the choice was between leaving her or leave me to deal with her, the choice was always to leave me to look after her. You love me enough to go to China for me, but you do not love me enough to ask me if I want you to go to China. You do not love me enough to compromise, to accept that you may make mistakes, you do not love me enough to say sorry. You do not love me enough to talk to me.
When I was a child I worshipped you, then I thought that realising that your parents are human is all part of growing up. Then I spent years trying to be what you wanted be to be. To be confident, determined, aloof. Then I realised that I wasn't making the grade. I was lonely and unhappy, presenting you with a false face to please you, so you would not be disappointed with me, you would not do to me what you have done with everybody else who disappointed you: erase me from your life.
Now I realised that I do not want to make the grade: I am not confident, I am not determined and I am not aloof. I want to love people and be loved back. I want to learn and I want to make learning my life. I want to carry on working on my spirituality and I want to be free to have emotions. All of them.
I love you dad, I love all of you: I love your mistakes, I love your determination, I love your confidence and I love that even when I disappoint you, you come back to me. I even love your punishing silences. I love singing drinking songs with you, I love the feel of your hands in mine, I love going to Forbidden Planet with you and discover that you actually like it.
I love you deeply and I am sorry I lied to you, that I made you believe I was somebody I am not. I am sorry that I keep pushing and pushing to get a response out of you when I know it scares you to bits. I was the one with you when my mother was diagnosed with cancer, I was the one that told you that she was dyeing. I took the burden from you then, I protected you and loved you. But I am an emotional person. I like emotions, I like their honesty, I like their clarity, I like the fact that they make me feel alive. I like the fact that if I let them out they go and leave me at peace with myself.
I have accepted myself, my hyper-sensitivity, my spirituality, my intelligence, my passion for learning, my need for love and my mistakes: my trying to be who I am not, my absence of honesty, towards you and everybody around me. I have tried to please them because I need them to love me. Because I need you to love me.
I am sorry if I have not been good at listening, if I have not been able to be honest and tell you how I felt unless I exploded, I am sorry I have been a coward and not forced you to talk to me about my mother and her heritage. We need to do it. The past can be past, but does not go away. We have not done it and I have never had the chance to let go of my anger towards you.
I am not sorry I told you what I want from you. The only thing I need from you is love. Nothing else. You are right, love is not something you say, but it is also not something you do. Love is something you feel and make people feel. My emotions have always been more on my face than on my heart, like yours. My promise to you is to put more emotion in my heart so you can feel more how much I love you and can make strength and courage from my unconditional love. And I promise to you that I will be honest with you and with everybody else, including myself, even if my version of honesty is not yours. I promise that I will respect our differences and accept the fact that even if we are similar, we live differently who we are. I promise that I will listen and be sure that I will never loose you in my heart, because I love you, even if you don't.
Dear dad, I love you. I love you so much that sometimes I wonder if it healthy, how much I love you. But I am angry with you and I am terrified of you and I am going to write it down today, because I don't want to be anymore.
I am angry with you because you loved her more than you loved me, and when the choice was between leaving her or leave me to deal with her, the choice was always to leave me to look after her. You love me enough to go to China for me, but you do not love me enough to ask me if I want you to go to China. You do not love me enough to compromise, to accept that you may make mistakes, you do not love me enough to say sorry. You do not love me enough to talk to me.
When I was a child I worshipped you, then I thought that realising that your parents are human is all part of growing up. Then I spent years trying to be what you wanted be to be. To be confident, determined, aloof. Then I realised that I wasn't making the grade. I was lonely and unhappy, presenting you with a false face to please you, so you would not be disappointed with me, you would not do to me what you have done with everybody else who disappointed you: erase me from your life.
Now I realised that I do not want to make the grade: I am not confident, I am not determined and I am not aloof. I want to love people and be loved back. I want to learn and I want to make learning my life. I want to carry on working on my spirituality and I want to be free to have emotions. All of them.
I love you dad, I love all of you: I love your mistakes, I love your determination, I love your confidence and I love that even when I disappoint you, you come back to me. I even love your punishing silences. I love singing drinking songs with you, I love the feel of your hands in mine, I love going to Forbidden Planet with you and discover that you actually like it.
I love you deeply and I am sorry I lied to you, that I made you believe I was somebody I am not. I am sorry that I keep pushing and pushing to get a response out of you when I know it scares you to bits. I was the one with you when my mother was diagnosed with cancer, I was the one that told you that she was dyeing. I took the burden from you then, I protected you and loved you. But I am an emotional person. I like emotions, I like their honesty, I like their clarity, I like the fact that they make me feel alive. I like the fact that if I let them out they go and leave me at peace with myself.
I have accepted myself, my hyper-sensitivity, my spirituality, my intelligence, my passion for learning, my need for love and my mistakes: my trying to be who I am not, my absence of honesty, towards you and everybody around me. I have tried to please them because I need them to love me. Because I need you to love me.
I am sorry if I have not been good at listening, if I have not been able to be honest and tell you how I felt unless I exploded, I am sorry I have been a coward and not forced you to talk to me about my mother and her heritage. We need to do it. The past can be past, but does not go away. We have not done it and I have never had the chance to let go of my anger towards you.
I am not sorry I told you what I want from you. The only thing I need from you is love. Nothing else. You are right, love is not something you say, but it is also not something you do. Love is something you feel and make people feel. My emotions have always been more on my face than on my heart, like yours. My promise to you is to put more emotion in my heart so you can feel more how much I love you and can make strength and courage from my unconditional love. And I promise to you that I will be honest with you and with everybody else, including myself, even if my version of honesty is not yours. I promise that I will respect our differences and accept the fact that even if we are similar, we live differently who we are. I promise that I will listen and be sure that I will never loose you in my heart, because I love you, even if you don't.