I hate myself sometimes

[matilda36]

The things I am more obsessive and unflexible are: food, sleep and work ethics.

I used to be workaholic, the first to get to the office and never taking any holidays and l hate it when people call in sick. My instinct is: I am disabled and I never call in sick, why should you?  This attitude was one of the things that led me to my most infamous nervous breakdown and alienated a lot of my colleagues in my previous employment. Too much work, not enough life. I am getting better at it, for example I did organize for somebody else to take my shift last time it did snow and I have unwillingly accepted that I need to work part time and that I am just not cut for a managerial job. Too much responsibility would break me.

Food for me is an obsession. I am a nervous eater. When I am feeling bad I binge eat. When I am feeling down I eat chocolate. Lots of it. When I am trying to be good, I impose myself strict rules. For example at the moment I am not eating any sweets, because I have this idea that too much processed sugar makes my illness worse. This may or may not have any truth in it. I know that last time I did eat chocolate or drank a glass of wine I felt my anxiety levels rise, so I am sticking by my self imposed diet. I am also, at the moment, attempting to loose weight. This means a lot of time thinking about food.

Another thing I am strict about is sleep. I need at least 8hours of sleep at night. And If I can manage it a nap is always delicious. My idea is:the more I sleep the better I feel. That's not necessarily true, for example this morning I had a nap and now I am feeling groggy and I'll probably be unable to do the thing I had set myself to do, clean the bathroom. 

The worst thing about my obsession with sleep is the fact that it's a bone of contention with my beloved brother, chef_hector. He is a night owl, needs a lot less sleep that I do and never wants to go to bed. I keep pushing and pushing and pushing for him to go to bed, till he snaps at me. I am right because he needs sleep, he's more right than me because he's an adult and as such he's able to make his own decisions. It's just my misguided way to show him my love. But this love isn't an excuse for my bossiness.
 
I apologise for my  behaviour. I was out of order.