Consistency

[matilda36]

One of the greatest challenges for me in NaBloPoMo is consistency. You may have noticed my ability to go on and on about nothing, so writing once I get started it's not a problem.

The problem is with the motivation to get and started and with consistency of motivation.

Consistency is a big issue for me and for most bipolars. My moods swings can be so wide that I end up keeping my focus narrow to be sure  I can do the things that need to be done. Work becomes in this way the center of my universe, because it's the thing that I must do. The thing that even in the days where i don't have any strenght I find the strenght for. The thing that even in my most manic and scatterbrained days I find the focus for.

One of the most demoralising parts of my life has been striving for discipline and constantly failing at it. My bipolar diagnosis has explained to me the why, but now that I am finally coming to terms with it I want to do something about it. 

Even now if I think of the things I need to do, that I am procrastinating because I have no strenght at the moment, I feel guilty.

If i think how unreliable my fitness regime is, i feel guilty

If i think about my sketchy eating habits, I feel guilty

If i think about my oversleeping I feel guilty.

Yeah I am a control freak, who fights her brain to establish a bit of control over my life. Only... who's Pinky and who's the Brain ?