Scared and unhappy

[matilda36]

The thing I hate most in life and scares me more than everything is arguments.Arguments shake me to the core, leave me trembling and scared. Leave my mind going around in loops over and over again.

Today I had an argument with a colleague. I snapped at her a couple of times in the past, because she's a bigoted idiot who never ever shut up.

Today I didn't snap at her. Because she was being aggressive I am shit at dealing with aggression. She started shouting at me because i was doing my job. My managers told me to answer to her aggression. My mangers (both of them), shouted at her because of her behaviour.
She not only shouted at me, but when I told her not to shout at me in front of the customers she shouted at me while I was dealing with a customer.

I have tried not to think about it and to enjoy the chocolate fair I went to today but I know it's going to be in my dreams for a long time, like all the arguments I had in the past stay with me.

Arguments make me feel guilty. Even if I am right, I am afraid of the consequences.

Even in this post. I was hoping to be able to be upset at her but... I am just scared.

Comments

[trepkos.livejournal.com]

I wonder what you are afraid of - is it that they will hurt you physically or that you will hurt them?
Perhaps you should ask to be sent for assertiveness training - though it sounds like you dealt with an unreasonable person fairly calmly.

[matilda36.livejournal.com]

I am afraid I will hurt them. I spend a lot of time keeping myself under control. Too much time, I am told.

Bookmakers don't do assertiveness training, they just throw you to the lions and if you survive you have a job.

But my doctor is sending me for CBT and that should help.