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Hate/love job. Terrified and manic.
Aug. 3rd, 2013 10:27 am I am terrified. Terrified of loosing my job, terrified by the loss of civil rights for gays in Russia, terrified that they will not arrest Berlusconi, terrified that they'll arrest Berlusconi, terrified about my rent, terrified that my next paycheck will not enter, terrified about everything.
I am grateful that I have 3 days off work, that I can spend relaxing (Ah! Relaxing as if it was a possibility), butI am terrified of going back to work. Images of the disaster that the last two weeks have been keep flashing behind my eyelids.making me even more terrified.
Last night I went to bed at 7 to try to break the mold.The question is: Do I keep hangiong on my current job, with the attached manic episode (I have already started shouting at people, including my 82 year old neighbout) or I let go and start working on my dream: working as translator,copyeditor, editor and blogger. Will my new job allow me .the same free time that my current one allows me? When I do something I like usually I need less rest and the alternative would be working in an office. Or cleaning staircases, if I can find the job.
What scares me most is how agitated I am becoming at work. It reminds me of my last days in London.I don't want that. I don't want people to hate me to be scared of me, just because I am afraid of loosing a job. That I liked. Now I don't know if I like it anymore.
What matters is that I avoid a bad manic episode. I am on that way. In the meantime I'll bring the lamictal back up to 300 and I'll try to use techniques that relax me. Like reading, but I am gonna try getting out of tthe house too. I can do with a MacD. Maybe today or tomorrow. Or just go for a walk, like I used to do in London. And chat and talk with people.
Do you know what the secret can be? To focus on my wellbeing. Remember I am ill and I need to take care of me. If he fires me I have 9 months of unemployment benefits to find a job, and I have my dad to lean on.and he to lean on me. We are together in this. It's good.
Health first.
I am grateful that I have 3 days off work, that I can spend relaxing (Ah! Relaxing as if it was a possibility), butI am terrified of going back to work. Images of the disaster that the last two weeks have been keep flashing behind my eyelids.making me even more terrified.
Last night I went to bed at 7 to try to break the mold.The question is: Do I keep hangiong on my current job, with the attached manic episode (I have already started shouting at people, including my 82 year old neighbout) or I let go and start working on my dream: working as translator,copyeditor, editor and blogger. Will my new job allow me .the same free time that my current one allows me? When I do something I like usually I need less rest and the alternative would be working in an office. Or cleaning staircases, if I can find the job.
What scares me most is how agitated I am becoming at work. It reminds me of my last days in London.I don't want that. I don't want people to hate me to be scared of me, just because I am afraid of loosing a job. That I liked. Now I don't know if I like it anymore.
What matters is that I avoid a bad manic episode. I am on that way. In the meantime I'll bring the lamictal back up to 300 and I'll try to use techniques that relax me. Like reading, but I am gonna try getting out of tthe house too. I can do with a MacD. Maybe today or tomorrow. Or just go for a walk, like I used to do in London. And chat and talk with people.
Do you know what the secret can be? To focus on my wellbeing. Remember I am ill and I need to take care of me. If he fires me I have 9 months of unemployment benefits to find a job, and I have my dad to lean on.and he to lean on me. We are together in this. It's good.
Health first.
