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We carry our demons
Mar. 13th, 2011 06:26 pmHad an ok week. Very low key, I went into town on monday, managed to clean the house (second week running, it's something of an achievement) and work was good. I felt a bit irritable, but I managed to keep it under control.
I am feeling amazingly fragile. yesterday my boss asked me to sellotape two pieces of paper together and when he complained on it, I wanted to scream. I can't do it better because my hands shake because of the meds I am taking.
I didn't do it, but I have been feeling sorry for myself a lot recently. I have not been feeling well and I feel the limitations of my illness very strongly.
I barely mange to get by. I consider it a good week when I manage to clean my house. I need lots of sleep. My obsessive complusive rituals and ticks have increased recently. I keep running my tongue over my gums in a not very attractive way. I count everything. Words get repeated again and again in my head. My already shaky relationship with food is getting worse. I spend an amazing amount of time thinking about food, what should I eat/not eat, when and how.
I know I know I should consider myself lucky., but... I can't help but look at other people and be envious: of their youth, of their relationships, of their abilities to do things better and faster than me. Of their lack of limitations. I know that all of them have their own problems, but It's with mine that I have to live with and recently I have felt them heavy on my shoulders.
Soldiering on is not an option. I am gonna talk about it with my doctor and he'll do is best, but I know that his first idea would be to increase Zoloft's dosage and I reacted badly the first time.
What I need to find is...I dunno. A new pool of strenght? A way to regain control? Better care of myself? The elusive key to happiness that has been eluding me all my life?
I am feeling amazingly fragile. yesterday my boss asked me to sellotape two pieces of paper together and when he complained on it, I wanted to scream. I can't do it better because my hands shake because of the meds I am taking.
I didn't do it, but I have been feeling sorry for myself a lot recently. I have not been feeling well and I feel the limitations of my illness very strongly.
I barely mange to get by. I consider it a good week when I manage to clean my house. I need lots of sleep. My obsessive complusive rituals and ticks have increased recently. I keep running my tongue over my gums in a not very attractive way. I count everything. Words get repeated again and again in my head. My already shaky relationship with food is getting worse. I spend an amazing amount of time thinking about food, what should I eat/not eat, when and how.
I know I know I should consider myself lucky., but... I can't help but look at other people and be envious: of their youth, of their relationships, of their abilities to do things better and faster than me. Of their lack of limitations. I know that all of them have their own problems, but It's with mine that I have to live with and recently I have felt them heavy on my shoulders.
Soldiering on is not an option. I am gonna talk about it with my doctor and he'll do is best, but I know that his first idea would be to increase Zoloft's dosage and I reacted badly the first time.
What I need to find is...I dunno. A new pool of strenght? A way to regain control? Better care of myself? The elusive key to happiness that has been eluding me all my life?