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I woke up in a panic this morning. Just panicking. My heart was beating fast, I was nearly crying and I could barely breathe. I am still shaking. I am scared, scared of eveerything.
At the moment my biggest fear is not to be good enough for my job. Maybe it's the cold that I am only now overcoming, but last week I felt so dumb, so slow, so inadequate. I was so scared. I am still scared. I know they appreciate me and need me at the moment, but what happens when April comes? Yeah I know April is a long way and maybe I will be over this depression that's slowly falling over me.
Autumn is always hard for me. It's the season of the year where my problems are more acute. I have been known to end up suicidal. I got myself medicated before reaching for the tools, but the thoughts have been there.
Last year it wasn't that bad, but this year it looks bad. Now I have two alternatives: hide into my safeguards, like I have been doing till now, sleeping, reading and eating junk food.
Or I can try something different. I can try to replace this feeling of death inside with life. I can start with staying up in the morning after Jake goes to bed, so I avoid further nightmares and I have time to do something more than eat breakfast and read.
I am not gonna make further promises, I am too fragile for that. I am very, very fragile at the moment, but that I can do. and NaBloPoMo is helping too, forcing me to write it out, to express the feelings inside me.
That's the reason why I started to keep a blog. I wanted a journal open to the world but with a therapeutic function. I was lonely and sick and needed out of my mind.
Just like now.
At the moment my biggest fear is not to be good enough for my job. Maybe it's the cold that I am only now overcoming, but last week I felt so dumb, so slow, so inadequate. I was so scared. I am still scared. I know they appreciate me and need me at the moment, but what happens when April comes? Yeah I know April is a long way and maybe I will be over this depression that's slowly falling over me.
Autumn is always hard for me. It's the season of the year where my problems are more acute. I have been known to end up suicidal. I got myself medicated before reaching for the tools, but the thoughts have been there.
Last year it wasn't that bad, but this year it looks bad. Now I have two alternatives: hide into my safeguards, like I have been doing till now, sleeping, reading and eating junk food.
Or I can try something different. I can try to replace this feeling of death inside with life. I can start with staying up in the morning after Jake goes to bed, so I avoid further nightmares and I have time to do something more than eat breakfast and read.
I am not gonna make further promises, I am too fragile for that. I am very, very fragile at the moment, but that I can do. and NaBloPoMo is helping too, forcing me to write it out, to express the feelings inside me.
That's the reason why I started to keep a blog. I wanted a journal open to the world but with a therapeutic function. I was lonely and sick and needed out of my mind.
Just like now.
