matilda36

Long and quite confused meditation on love ahead

I'd like to start with a quote from sexymermaid Star Man:

"Do you look down on me too for wanting you?" he asked Will painfully after a pause.

Will made a sound of pain and leaned down to give a kiss of reassurance. "Never, pet. You are the only one in my life I've ever wanted to please because making you happy makes me feel good. I'm falling in love with you... and that makes me very afraid. You can hurt me, touch me where I've never been touched. Wound me where I'm tender, see?"

"You make love sound horrible, Will," Angel commented. He fell back a little, his body fully surrendered to Will's tender care and skillful fingers.

Up down. Up down. Will pulled the skin along Angel's big pole gently and watched his angel shiver in reaction.

"It is horrible! No one in their fucking right mind wants to love someone! Well... Okay, women seem to have some Harlequin thing, but no man in his right mind wants to love anyone, no matter how we pretend to be okay with it. Most of us have to be tricked into it."

I love this bit, because it says a lot about love. All around me I see my female friends hurting themselves and the men in their lives over and over because they have problems accepting the above simple truth.

And I don't get it.

I am a spinster, and I am not ashamed to use the more antiquate word instead of "single", because "single" is a word defined by its opposite, "mated" and I am complete the way I am.

I have always felt a spinster since I was a very young kid. Don't get me wrong, I have been in love, had good sexual experiences (sorry about the TMI), but I have always felt inside that I had first and foremost be completed in myself, and if I wasn't nobody could do it for me. Only if I was completed into myself, I would be able to enter into a relationship, because I could enter without...without being hurt.

And without hurting. Because no matter how many times we repeat ourselves the other party's faults, we do hurt people too.

Nowadays I do feel I am on the right way to be complete in myself. This doesn't mean perfect, nor self-sufficient, but able to accept my humanity, and to enjoy and express myself. The only problem is that this makes me feel even more happy in my spinsterhood. I do enjoy the freedom too much to mess around with romantic love.

Am I a selfish bitch? Or I simply haven't met the right person? Or it's all the Romantics fault as usual after all?

BTW, the full sexymermaid story is available here. Go and read it.

http://www.livejournal.com/users/sexymermaid/99140.html?nc=27