matilda36: (i am done pretending)
 That I am slurrying my voice, that it takes me a long time to park and that I am not good with handling money (He doesn't know the last two, but I noticed them) and that generally I am slower, that it takes me time to think.

So he lowered my medication. It's the right thing to do, I know, but I am a bit scared. I was at ease in my cotton world. I was able to go to work. I was unable to do things and have proper human interactions,but that doesn't matter.

What matter is that I have to face the world a bit more and that's scary.

Oh and on a cheerful note, I am now under 73kg ufficially.

matilda36: (i am done pretending)
 I am having a  mild panic attack. It's mostly work related (OMG if I loose this job what i am going to do?), but there's also some underlining sadness.

And to say that the day had started well, with me managing the first part of the winter clothes exchange (I have so many pair of pants and jeans that's not funny. I hope that at least some will work with my new weight.. Speaking of weight, I have lost, even with Macdonald on sunday.

This sunday I am going to have a egg mcmuffin and a coffee. I am not gonna eat at lunchtime till I get home, so this should minimise the damage.

The other thing that's worrying me is that the resnt hasn't arrived yet and this may mean that I have to pay more for all the water that they haven't made us pay when it was its time. We'll see. I did some maths and if I don't eat I may even make it.

Now i am going to eat (while I can) and maybe I will do some more hoousework, or I'll just read, to keep my head busy.

Do you know what I think that made me sad? The fact that my doctor said that I need to put effort in improving my life, that meds are not enough. They can help, but just help, I have to find the strenght inside me. I used to have that strenght, now....

matilda36: (Default)
 Everyday things get worse. It's a constant leakage of customers. 

Today it has been interesting because I got to learn how the new systems work and I'll do it all the week long.  The good thing is that it means that I'll probably have more time free next week. Time that i can spend plotting and planning my future. 

This week I walk to work 3 days too and today I got home all sweaty. That's a good thing because it helps my weight  loss plan, hoping it's not a cunning plan.

Last night I got home very nervous, after a disastrous day at work, and I thought I would have problams sleeping, but it went quite ok. It was good also because I didn't go back to bed for a quick nap, but stayed up till it was time to go to work, so I didn't allow bad thoughts to come in my brain.

The walk helped and now I have done something to help my plans go ahead. INow I just want to relax, maybe write a bit.
matilda36: (Default)
 Last night I worked till midnight and this morning I was out of the house by 7:50 to go to the post office and to have my pap test done. It has been a long, hot morning.also because I was so worried about smelling when I got to see  the doctor. I had walked a lot by then and I was sweaty.

I am afraid that this pap test will discover something. Because yes I am changing the way I eat and I am eating less, but I am still eating a lot of the things I enjoy. Las night I had icecream. I felt full afterwards, but I ate it.  So I am not sure how natural is it to loose the weight I am loosing.. We'll see what comes back. Probably I don't feel hungry because I am used to eating less food now and I get full more easily.

Work is slow, very slow and the boss is making some stupid decisions, so I don't know how long this work will last. But I am ok with it. My career as blogger seems to finally be starting and I am getting again in the mood for writing. I subscribe to two brilliant blogs on tumble [ profile] fuckyeahcharacterdevelopment and [ profile] writewords that are inspiring me to write. I had lost even my blogging muse, but now that I am getting posted I am back to be enthisiastic (A lot will depend on if I get comments and what kind of comments I get). But whatever happens it will be an incentive to write better.

I have also started applying for jobs. It's a slow and harduous process, with a lot of rejections, but one I have to do. I will ask my doctor what he thinks about creating a site for bipolars to meet, without doctors involved, or involved very little (example: when somebody shares suicidal thoughts). It could be a good thing to do. I could do with a place where I don't feel manipulated by the system. I know that I am doing my share of manipulating (obtaining disable status has been useful when  I had to get a job), but the system has me feeling down because I am disabled.

My house is a bombsite, and I am absolutely not in the mood to tidy up. I will if I know I'll get visitors, but in the meantime I'll just enjoy it being a bombsite and spend my time reading. I have finished the Sid/Geno fics, I'll start with the Kane/Tazer ones. And Kryptaria and Bootsand blossoms have a new 00Q fic that I am waiting they finish to publish to read. Oh and scifigirl47 has one Avengers fic out too. So I have plenty to read. 

I like this post full of things to look forward to.


Jun. 18th, 2013 06:03 pm
matilda36: (Default) rent did come trough. 60 euros more than usual, but I can survive. Maybe fill my tank too.

My neighbour asked me to borrow 20 euros. 20 euros. His druggie son is a piece of shit to abuse his parents this way. 

Still filling in applications to job websites. I want to be in perfect shape when I go for it in september. I think my boss wants to see how things go with the new football season before deciding if to close or not. And I'd like to be sure to have a good job to go to, before leaving the one that I have at the moment.

I am now under the 80kg. (not sure I have already said it, but the thing makes me so happy. I am going to sweat this summer, sweat some fat. That's why I want this hot weather, so i can sweat it out.. At least now I can fit into most of my clothes.

Those are the news. I already know that this is gonna be another long summer at work, but they always are.


matilda36: (Default)

October 2014

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