Not sure news

I went to see the doctor this morning to discuss the biopsy results.

Yes they are negative for cancer, but there is still a small lesion that need to be tested and removed, and I am going to need periodic checks to make sure things are under control.

The doctor was really nice, especially after I told her I am bipolar. She knows I need a bit of extra reassurance, I am having further tests and possibly minor surgery.

i am feeling quite shaken up about my health recently. It's as if my body has finally realised I am turning forty next year and decided to alert me to the fact that I have been abusing it for most of my life. Binge eating, not enough exercise and the wear and tear of the emotional rollercoaster of bipolar disorder are catching up with me.

It's not the first time my health has been shaky: backache, low blood pressure... it's just that... then I was sort of welcoming them. I needed physical pain to justify and rationalise my emotional pain. But since my diagnosis, I now know that my emotional pain has a reason other than me being a failure and I have stopped feeling guilty about it.

Now things like this scare me. Scare me into living better, into living harder. Just scare me.