Jun. 8th, 2012

matilda36: (i am done pretending)
I haven't written anything in a month. In part because the most exciting thing happening to me this month has been a nest of pidgeons on my balcony. Two sweeties and they are getting big.

For the rest it has been sleep, earthquakes and work. Work is very slow at the moment, while the earthquakes have started to become an habit. Half of my neighboroud sleeps in tents in the park, but I think that if I have to die, I'd rather die in my bed.

As for the sleep.... I have been dreaming. A lot. I have been trying to look for inspiration in my dreams, then accepted that maybe it was down to the delorazepam and agreed with my doctor a program to lower some dosages, in the hope of limiting my naps. The problem is that I seem to sleep better in the morning than in the evenings, while the whole point would be for me to recover day time so I can start doing more things.

I think I am scared of doing more things, of being more active. I had a week's vacation and my days have been spent watching Castle, reading and chatting. This in the afternoon because in the mornings I slept. To put myself back together after this long period of... nothing I'll have to fight on two fronts. Slowly staying awake more in the mornings, initially not doing anything so I don't scare myself and lowering the dosages.

Not scaring myself. The question is still the same. I want more action in my life and yet I am terrified by it. Better dream and look for inspiration in my dreams. Inspiration that doesn't exist. Because I should be my own inspiration and I can't seem able to be it. Since I got a permanent position and the car, my main worry has been to reach the end of the month. It's as if in this quiet I have found my grave.

Because living this life makes me feel dead inside a little more everyday. I am 6 feet under and desperately trying to find a way out The fact is that in the quiet light of the evening It seem everything so easy.... I even make plans. Then morning rise and I feel dead again.

Time for dreams now, tomorrow.....

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matilda36

October 2014

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