May. 7th, 2012


May. 7th, 2012 07:51 pm
matilda36: (i am done pretending)
I have always been lonely.  Even before I was living alone I was lonely. I adore my father, but we work better with a little distance.

My mother has always done her best to make me grow up alone and ashamed of myself, so I was at her service.

So I grew up alone. Lonely people have a lot of dreams, a lot of hobbies and very little friends. There's always that little space between them and other people, because we know we are not worthy of them, that it hurts less to spend our time in our little houses, with our little things.

All that I needed was an house, a premanent job and a car. I now have all that. And I spend all my free time or in front of the computer or sleeping.

I don't have dreams, aspirations, motivations. To get fit? Why? I don't need to be fit to sleep and it keeps me ashamed, it keeps people far.
To loose weight? Food is so good to shut up my pain. To keep my house clean and my stuff in order? I live alone, nobody else sees the house.
To read something more engaging than fanfiction? To discuss it with whom?

The basic question is why?. Not as in why I am I alive, I have no suicide impulses. Instead it's a positive thing, trying to find a reason to be happy, to find that trigger that makes me...


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