Jan. 8th, 2012

matilda36: (i am done pretending)
Having been sick all week with a new symptom each day (Yesterday it has been the funniest: an earache that has made me the joke of the evening with my friends) and not still being well (today symptom is a stuffed nose), has made me think.

My first reaction to  having what is a normal flu has been: where are the meds? Where are the medications that can make me better? Probably it's just the modern man instinct to reach for medications whenever life gets hard (as proven by the astonishing sales of antidepressants in the western world), but for sure it has been made worse by my depence on my meds to maintain some sort of stability.

I am terrified of life without my meds. My life revolves around the alarms set in my phone to remind me that I have to drug myself.

I remember talking with my dad around Christams and him telling me that my life cannot revolve around that, cannot be focused on illness and fear, that my meds are probably a comfortable hideout.

Looking back at this week, spent sleeping and taking medication for a simple flu that in my mind was already full blown pneumonia, my father may have been right.

Not that I plan on stopping taking my meds, just.... not allow them to lead my life, not hide behind them.

It's not my meds that make me want to sleep in the morning, it's the fact that a) if I sleep don't have to think or do b) I like sleeping. A lot

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matilda36

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