Apr. 8th, 2014 11:17 am
matilda36: (Default)
 Had a week off, I was bored at the end, even if I went to see my auntie (new haircut babe, short and without that horrible shade of orange my hair had become. Now it's my natural grey. A very nice shade of grey) and I had a visit from my father. I hadn't seen him in months, so it was a real pleasure.

Yesterday my well being in being back lasted just the time to get through the door. My colleagues are all in such a funk that depresses you terribly. But I am off till friday so I am happy. This time I am not spending time in front of the PC, I want to go for a walk and maybe clean the house.I say maybe because cleaning the house is one of those things that seems to elude me. Every time I get distracted by a new story. (or an old one, I am not picky)

This morning I went shopping with my neighbour, who, for lack of alternatives, thinks is in love with me, just because I am kind to him. I confess I am willing to accept his money.(although not for sex, I am not that desperate) Especially because the radiator of my car may (and I keep my fingers crossed at the may) be leaking. This morning it was dry under the car and the water temperature indicator was healthy, so, I'll hope for the  best.

Prayer has been very kind to me recently. I am trying to be kind to everybody around me and trying to see if I can find ways to help others (possibly without them falling in love with me.

In other news, I keep loosing weight.. I'll become a real babe and maybe attract a decent kind of men, not the ones who just want to see my boobs.

matilda36: (i am done pretending)
 I know that one of my biggest difects is that I am judgmental. I see a person or I hear a story and I am ready to judge.. I am working on it, trying to be more open recognising that people are equals to me, not above nor below, just on the same level, even when it's difficult.

It's easy to judge a drug dealer as inferior to me. I am honest, hardworking and I don't kill people.

It's easy to judge people who do more than me, who are not lazy and easily tired like me as superior than me.

But those are extreme cases. Today I was faced with a much more difficult situation. Where I was working before I was befriended by a couple of people at work. I started going out with them. It was nice, while it lasted. At some point, for some idiotic reason I incurred in the wrath of these people, especially of the "boss" of the group, a woman 10 years older than me. Apparently we made peace, but things were never like before. I kept making mistakes, after which I had to apologise, till at some point I became a pariah to her and her group. If I were to judge this woman I would not be nice in my judgement.

Today I went to another of our shops to cover for somebody.. Everything went well till this woman M. , who now works at that shop arrived. She ignored me so I said, I'll be the bigger woman and say hello. She looked at me with hate in her eyes. I spent the last hour of my shoft feeling very, very small and scared.

Now, how can I not judge somebody who so openly hates me, without a serious reason?

matilda36: (Luna)
My neighbour gave me 50 euros today.  He's lonely, lives in a precarious situation with a crazy wife and his only moment of freedom are those tuesday mornings when i take him shopping. He knows that I am poor so he gives me money whenever he has an excuse to do it. I try to give him the affection he needs. I love him in a way. outside of the money that gives me.But I need the money, so I don't say no.

The big question is: is right to accept money in exchange for affection that I would give him anyway?

matilda36: (i am done pretending)
 Not in a funk anymore. Still worried about money, but I am trying not to worry about that, and to have faith that something will happen to help me. Or I'll just stop loosing money from my till. 

Tomorrow I was supposed to be home, but a colleague got sick, so I have to go to work. I would have loved 4 days straight of home, but I'll make do.We need all to pitch in if we have any hope to keep our jobs. Things don't look good, but I still have hope. If only the attitude would change in my colleagues...but they do what they can, so I cannot complain.

I m carrying on on my attempt at faith. It's hard, especially because I am used to judge people a lot, it's my greatest sin and sometimes it's difficult, when you see certain things. But I know that my colleagues do not have such a great opinion of me,  ( or at least I think), so it works both ways and me being the first to change attitude may lead to them changing theirs.

matilda36: (don't wake me up)
Yesterday I lied to have less problems parking today. That created me more problems because I cannot go to the bank or to buy bananas and it feels weird for a monday to wait till 1:30 to go to work and to eat at home.

Lesson: lieing is not good. 

Yesterday at work I wasn't cheerful, but I wasn't dark either, I think I reached the conclusion that I am not a social person and that helped me relax.

Conclusion confirmed by friday night. It wasn't a disaster, just... leaving aside the fat that I looked horrible (hair and fundation my weakest spots), I had ptoblems striking a conversation.  Maybe I am not used to it, maybe I am just crap at it.

So I decided that I want to work from home. That's a problem because the majority of works from home are freelance and I can't take the stress of freelance. I am a bit whiny today, ain't I?

I am perfectly relaxed about the idea of going to work. And I'll have a nice walk going for rent and bananas tomorow morning. I had a nice nap this morning  Tip: Going to bed early has it's advantages, but it's not helpful if you want to nap in the morning.So, or I go to bed early and I don't have a nap in the morning, or I go to bed at an hour fit for an homan (Like 9:30) and nap in the morning.

Tonight I know which one it will be, a "late" night. but I don't care. Yeah I am in a not caring mood, I think.
matilda36: (don't wake me up)
 Had two intense days at work, and realised that I am not able to smile at work anymore. I go with the best intentions, try some smiles, try to be relaxed and joke, and I fail completely.

I close up in myself more and more and I reach the end of my shift completely gone. I know that I am obssessing about work, but  work is the only place I have to confront people with this new attitude i am trying to have towards the world. 

I want to..... I was gonna say be a good person, but that's not it.  I am already a decent human being. I don't want to become a saint because those are made of a different cloth.  I am a bit of a gossip, I am a fiend when it comes to parking, I can be a bit judgmental and I spend a lot of time in a dark place, but I am a decent human being. I can do better and that it's something that I m gonna try.

But it's not the issue here what I want to become is a positive person. Somebody who thinks not "Oh I had 10 euros missing from my till" but she thinks "I was a goddess at parking today", who doesn't think: "this is a difficult customer i know it alread"y but she thinks "I already knows what thinks customer wants so i can give it to him".

Switch thinking patterns. But it's hard. Tonight I am going out with some friends from outside work. I know only one person from the group well, so it's gonna be an interesting experience. To see if I can be a positive person in a new environment.

In the meantime I think I am gonna need an afternoon nap. I am soooooo tired.



Feb. 18th, 2014 01:45 pm
matilda36: (Default)
 I have been doing a lot of thinking recently and one of the things that is coming out of it is that I have no idea where I am going.

I agree that God (or Fate) decides a lot of things in our life, but we have Free will after all, so an idea of where I want to go would be nice. In the meantime I am trying to change approach to things and people.

For example to let my costumers get to me less (even when they are annoying on purpose) and to go to work with a more positive attitude. 
Positive attitude that I am trying to apply to everything, even to an afternoon spent at home (Yeah i know those are already my favourites), but they are rarely as serene as today.

This serenity, if I manage to keep it going (and I am arming myself with things that can help me keep it going) can help me to find my way, to decide where I want to go, beyond changing work. Even with a better job, I would always be fluctuating, thinking about what my life will be after my father is gone, what meaning will it have other than keeping him fighting.

I am alone and lonely and I am shy and silent. Starting to be more positive can make me smile more and people like me more (although the way my manager at work takes care of me since I had to take sick leave is very sweet).

This change of attitude will help me to find my way, I am sure. But I'll start to think about what I want to do on a consciuos level too. Maybe I'll write that book that has been inside of me all my life.

matilda36: (don't wake me up)
 To keep up positivity is hard, especially when you are used to be negative and you are at peace only when you are alone and the world cannot touch you., As soon as you have to go out in the world, the world catches up with you.

I am happy and balanced only when I am alone. as I am discovering it these last few weeks, where I work sat, sun, mon and I am free the other days. Days that I spend blissfully alone. When I can write optimistic posts.

Knowing that I am going to work this afternoon has me anxious. The first question is:"will I find a parking spot?". Then there's "Will we be busy?" and then there's "Will my till check out or will I miss money at the end of the day?". All these questions take away my breath. 

The only thing I can answer is: "It will be as God wants it to be". This helps me a bit, till the anxiety starts to rise again.

With anxiety come sadness and negativity. I am not able to smile.

Let's try an exercise: Smile at least for today. Accept reality and fight to improve things where you can, like in being a better cashier and being more careful with money. As for parking...that's really in the hands of the Lord


matilda36: (Default)

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