matilda36: (Luna)
 Bruno is my joy. People have commented on how more cheerful I am since I had him and yes, I am happier.

It's a period of happy things (and little money): I go walking every morning with a friend, I have been watching The Tudors (yeah I am always late). I have only one episode left and I am curious to see Henry, who with the years has become a parody of Marlon Brando in the Godfather, die. I just hope that in one episode he doesn't manage to kill the Duke of Suffolk, my favourite character.And hockey season is back.

After that I am going to try Outlander and Reign, but in the meantime I have a new season of X Factor (with a jury I like) and a documentary on the Roosvelt family.

Yeah I am in an historic mode. And so completely gone on my cat that I tried to make him drink from a bottle.

The living room is in chaos and the bathroom is full of the grains from the litter box (Bruno is very well educated and always uses the box), but I don't care.

Today I am off to work, but I don't care. 4 hours pass by  quickly especially if as I hope there's gonna be a lot of sport. I am even stopped worrying about parking. I am happy
matilda36: (Default)
 Today I go back to work after my 10 days vacation. I am feeling refreshed and rested. 

I have taken long walks, (It's becoming a morning habit that I share with a friend, I don't think I would be able to keep up alone, too many bad thoughts), read the Mallorean (I still haven't received the Wardens of the West the first book, but I have enjoyed the others) and played with my love.

I am in love with my kitten. Today he has helped me clean the bedroom, with particular attention to the broom and the mop, then we have played, I have has set in order in my diary and he has slept against my back while I was watching The Tudors. Now is on my bed napping.

He commits the typical cats disasters: climbing the curtains, knocking over water, knocking over the rubbish bin. But he sleeps with me and he cuddles me and I wait for me when I come home. I am gonna see how he's going to react to my work absence, also because it will mean that he eats late. But he loves me and that's all I need.

 
matilda36: (Default)
 I didn't go. Call me a coward, but I don't like the idea of going out, even for an ice cream with somebody who calls me his mistress and tells me about the growing strenght of his feelings (when he has just seen me at work a few minutes while he bets.). I replied to his latest telling him that I ain't nobody's mistress and that all he'll have from me is the odd ice cream.

Work is... a nightmare. We are badly organised, we have more customers than staff and I have to listen to a 22 year old arrogant bastard telling me off for something I did with permission from a manager. Fuck off M, I knew somebody else like you and he didn't end well.

These kinds of things depress me, and I am already depressed by my immobility, so this morning I went to my soctor and we decided to add an antidepressant to the mix. I don't have the best history with antidepressants, but I am optimist about this one. It's slightly stimulant, so maybe it'll stop me from going to bed at 6pm. 

And it'll help me to find more energy to do the things I need to do, like cleaning the house, search for a job and take care of me, so I attract the right kind of men, those who can take care of me and don't just want to fuck me. I want to be a wife, not a mistress. Wife or spinster, no middleways for me. Because being a spinster has its advantages and I enjoy them to the full.

 

Update

Apr. 8th, 2014 11:17 am
matilda36: (Default)
 Had a week off, I was bored at the end, even if I went to see my auntie (new haircut babe, short and without that horrible shade of orange my hair had become. Now it's my natural grey. A very nice shade of grey) and I had a visit from my father. I hadn't seen him in months, so it was a real pleasure.

Yesterday my well being in being back lasted just the time to get through the door. My colleagues are all in such a funk that depresses you terribly. But I am off till friday so I am happy. This time I am not spending time in front of the PC, I want to go for a walk and maybe clean the house.I say maybe because cleaning the house is one of those things that seems to elude me. Every time I get distracted by a new story. (or an old one, I am not picky)

This morning I went shopping with my neighbour, who, for lack of alternatives, thinks is in love with me, just because I am kind to him. I confess I am willing to accept his money.(although not for sex, I am not that desperate) Especially because the radiator of my car may (and I keep my fingers crossed at the may) be leaking. This morning it was dry under the car and the water temperature indicator was healthy, so, I'll hope for the  best.

Prayer has been very kind to me recently. I am trying to be kind to everybody around me and trying to see if I can find ways to help others (possibly without them falling in love with me.

In other news, I keep loosing weight.. I'll become a real babe and maybe attract a decent kind of men, not the ones who just want to see my boobs.



 
matilda36: (i am done pretending)
 Not in a funk anymore. Still worried about money, but I am trying not to worry about that, and to have faith that something will happen to help me. Or I'll just stop loosing money from my till. 

Tomorrow I was supposed to be home, but a colleague got sick, so I have to go to work. I would have loved 4 days straight of home, but I'll make do.We need all to pitch in if we have any hope to keep our jobs. Things don't look good, but I still have hope. If only the attitude would change in my colleagues...but they do what they can, so I cannot complain.

I m carrying on on my attempt at faith. It's hard, especially because I am used to judge people a lot, it's my greatest sin and sometimes it's difficult, when you see certain things. But I know that my colleagues do not have such a great opinion of me,  ( or at least I think), so it works both ways and me being the first to change attitude may lead to them changing theirs.

 

In a funk

Mar. 2nd, 2014 05:07 pm
matilda36: (don't wake me up)
 I realised yesterday how much money I have lost from my till that I couldn't sleep last night. So this morning I tried a difficult nap and went to work in a funk. We worked quite well this morning, lots of sport and we even had queues. (we were 4 instead of 5 that's true).

I did mostly sport, with some virtual (That I hate with a passion, because it's easy to loose money by doing it) and some  horses., but the thing that shocked me most is the fact that I had 50 euros more in my till. I have no idea of how that happens, but I used the money to quell my debts.

Now I am home and still in a funk. I don't know where it did come out from. Or maybe I suspect where it did come out from, and I'll do my best to remedy the situation. It's not helping that the Penguins lost 5-1  last night.

In the meantime, I am gonna read a bit, in the hope it gets better. Oh and I'll have an early night, those always help.



 
matilda36: (don't wake me up)
Yesterday I lied to have less problems parking today. That created me more problems because I cannot go to the bank or to buy bananas and it feels weird for a monday to wait till 1:30 to go to work and to eat at home.

Lesson: lieing is not good. 

Yesterday at work I wasn't cheerful, but I wasn't dark either, I think I reached the conclusion that I am not a social person and that helped me relax.

Conclusion confirmed by friday night. It wasn't a disaster, just... leaving aside the fat that I looked horrible (hair and fundation my weakest spots), I had ptoblems striking a conversation.  Maybe I am not used to it, maybe I am just crap at it.

So I decided that I want to work from home. That's a problem because the majority of works from home are freelance and I can't take the stress of freelance. I am a bit whiny today, ain't I?

I am perfectly relaxed about the idea of going to work. And I'll have a nice walk going for rent and bananas tomorow morning. I had a nice nap this morning  Tip: Going to bed early has it's advantages, but it's not helpful if you want to nap in the morning.So, or I go to bed early and I don't have a nap in the morning, or I go to bed at an hour fit for an homan (Like 9:30) and nap in the morning.

Tonight I know which one it will be, a "late" night. but I don't care. Yeah I am in a not caring mood, I think.
matilda36: (don't wake me up)
 Had two intense days at work, and realised that I am not able to smile at work anymore. I go with the best intentions, try some smiles, try to be relaxed and joke, and I fail completely.

I close up in myself more and more and I reach the end of my shift completely gone. I know that I am obssessing about work, but  work is the only place I have to confront people with this new attitude i am trying to have towards the world. 

I want to..... I was gonna say be a good person, but that's not it.  I am already a decent human being. I don't want to become a saint because those are made of a different cloth.  I am a bit of a gossip, I am a fiend when it comes to parking, I can be a bit judgmental and I spend a lot of time in a dark place, but I am a decent human being. I can do better and that it's something that I m gonna try.

But it's not the issue here what I want to become is a positive person. Somebody who thinks not "Oh I had 10 euros missing from my till" but she thinks "I was a goddess at parking today", who doesn't think: "this is a difficult customer i know it alread"y but she thinks "I already knows what thinks customer wants so i can give it to him".

Switch thinking patterns. But it's hard. Tonight I am going out with some friends from outside work. I know only one person from the group well, so it's gonna be an interesting experience. To see if I can be a positive person in a new environment.

In the meantime I think I am gonna need an afternoon nap. I am soooooo tired.

 

Serenity

Feb. 18th, 2014 01:45 pm
matilda36: (Default)
 I have been doing a lot of thinking recently and one of the things that is coming out of it is that I have no idea where I am going.

I agree that God (or Fate) decides a lot of things in our life, but we have Free will after all, so an idea of where I want to go would be nice. In the meantime I am trying to change approach to things and people.

For example to let my costumers get to me less (even when they are annoying on purpose) and to go to work with a more positive attitude. 
 
Positive attitude that I am trying to apply to everything, even to an afternoon spent at home (Yeah i know those are already my favourites), but they are rarely as serene as today.

This serenity, if I manage to keep it going (and I am arming myself with things that can help me keep it going) can help me to find my way, to decide where I want to go, beyond changing work. Even with a better job, I would always be fluctuating, thinking about what my life will be after my father is gone, what meaning will it have other than keeping him fighting.

I am alone and lonely and I am shy and silent. Starting to be more positive can make me smile more and people like me more (although the way my manager at work takes care of me since I had to take sick leave is very sweet).

This change of attitude will help me to find my way, I am sure. But I'll start to think about what I want to do on a consciuos level too. Maybe I'll write that book that has been inside of me all my life.

 

Acceptance

Feb. 4th, 2014 01:58 pm
matilda36: (Default)
 On Sunday I was reading one of those self help blogs. It was talking about acceptance: acceptance of life and of where it puts us, and acceptance of ouselves.

I said: I will never be able to do it.

This morning I woke up with a feeling of peace and contentment, of acceptance. Yes I have bipolar disorder, but it doesn't mean it has to stop me. Yes I am broke, but I have enough money to take me to my next payday. Yes, I am a disaster in parking, but I'll be more careful in the future and accept the consequences of my mistakes.

Two nights ago, I prayed: I prayed the Lord to give me a sign, I prayed my mother to guide me in her unique way. This feeling I have may be the fruit of those prayers. I don't know if it will last (I honestly hope so, I could do with some clarity in my mind), but for sure I am enjoying it. Friday I am going to visit my mother ( in the cemetery), because I have been missing her like crazy recently.

Yesterday at work, everything went well, for the first time in ages I made some money and tickets on a weekday. And I did not do any big mistakes. That probably helped with my serenity as well. Oh and I have not to go to work till saturday.

Time to get something done? I am trying a technique [livejournal.com profile] cleo69 thaught me. You give yourself a goal and meet it, but without a time restraint, like saying tomorrow I have to do this or I am a total failure and I can go back to my lazy ways. Just a goal. and when you meet it, you set another one, and then another one, till you are used to do things, without the pressure to do it everyday. If one day you are too tired, or not feeling well, it's ok. 

Tomorrow I am gonna set me a bit objective: dust the living room. I'll see how I do.

For today I met my goals and i am going to keep reading (and probably finish, (Gervase, write the next one quick) The cross and the poppy by the lovely Gervase Wemyss [livejournal.com profile] wemyss  Bapton Books publishing, available on all the major (and minor) booksites.

It may be one of those things that have inspired this bout of Faith. It's a deeply religious book, but calling it a Christian book would be to make it a disservice. It's a book with great characters, some of which are defined by their faith and the story is closely linked with religious happenings, but that's not all the story. It's.... a great book. I'll probably write it a proper review once I have finished it For the moment it's great company and great inspiration.

Amen, sister, amen.
 
matilda36: (Default)
I have been sleeping a lot these days. in part to recover from my tiredness, in part because of my depression: if i sleep, i don't think.

So i go to bed at 6pm, i am up at 6am to chat with my spiritual brother, back to bed at 8am, where i lay in bed till 10. I say lay in bed because I rarely sleep., i lay in bed thinking and thinking is bad for me.

My thoughts keep spinning and spinning giving me a vertigo of anxiety. One of my worries is something that will not happen till next year and yet keeps spinning like the other plates. work is the biggest plate. Will i keep having a job? Will I find a new, better job? How long I will survive in this job without crashing and burning? Images of my workplace keep flashing in front of my eyes and the same events, the same thoughts bite at my ankles.

But I have to say that these few days off are helping a bit. Just a bit, but a bit. The fact is that I cannot claim sick days because I barely manage to survive with the money I have, with the money I would get of sick pay I could barely pay rent.

I have to say that my manager is very understanding. Or she wouldn't have given me these 4 days. Or maybe my unease has become that visible?

I don't know. I only know that I have today and tomorrow to rest, to read and to sleep, because my night sleep is good and healthy.

matilda36: (don't wake me up)
 I tamed the joy of saving money by getting a ticket wrong and missing 100 euros at work (Dangers of the job), but I am still on target and I have now my Insurance in my hands.

Today I applied for a job where they require a disable person with buyer experience. It would be a dream. We'll see.

As for the rest, last night I didn't sleep well at all. The fact that I have basically all this week morning shifts except for tomorrow and thursday is pissing me off a bit. Not for the loss of my naps, but for the... I dunno how to define it. I was expecing to work 3 days this week and now I find myself working 5. I know that makes me a bit apprehensive about working a full working day, but if I have to do a job I like I am sure I can work normal hours.

Tonight I hope to sleep better. It will be a lovely early night, I have a story to tell myself and I know I shuldn't have to work for the next two days. Time to wash my hair and make minestrone from scratch.

 
matilda36: (Default)
 First day I managed to keep most of my resolutions. I even managed to smile at work. I think I looked a bit constipated because I am not used to it, but at least I tried.

Work was chaos. The new games we introduced are a resounding success, but the Boss doean't want to give us enough staff to deal with it properly. The customers complain, we complain, but he's stubborn. But I think we'll wear him down with a tad of logic and chaos.

For the rest.... I slept a lot. Spent some time with my dad and eaten like a pig least night. So Today I ate just grapes and bananas.

Maybe I'll have a bit of Christmas cake before bed. I should be off the next 3 days (unless the boss gives up) and I am looking forward to them.

Those holidays have been quiet but busy for me and I need to cuddle in my nest a bit. After all that's taking care of myself and that's my priority. 

Taking care of myself.

 

Taxes

Dec. 18th, 2013 04:04 pm
matilda36: (Default)
 We lost enough customers to put in doubt our Christmas bonus. And that's a problem because I need it.Taxes and repairs (I had to call the plumber for the kitchen sink and I had to take my laptop to repair) mean money going out like a water leak.

The good part is that the taxes aren't all that high and there are no added taxes to my rent, but it means that i have to sit down and manage my expenses.

I had my father here for nearly a week. It has been a pleasure and it will be a pleasure again to see him at Christmas, but he was getting restless and that was messing my karma. I wanted to use him as a slave to clean the house, but we ended up doing the usual things. Playing comupter games, reading, watching hockey...

I am going to have a lovely early night tonight enjoying having my bed all for me. In the meantime I'll wash my dishes in my newly functioning sink and read a bit.

 

Anxious

Nov. 29th, 2013 11:00 am
matilda36: (don't wake me up)
 So the new neighbouring agency has open. Up till now we have lost a bit of business, but less than I thought. The weekend will tell us a lot. The whole thing create anxiety in me.

Luckily I am managing to sleep (except for tuesday night, but that was bad) .You know my job depends from these things as well. And without a job.... I am in deep shit.

Last night I dreamt that my mother was telling me to clean the house. I think I'll start doing it tomorrow. I am home.

As for today I have the lunchtime shift from 1pm to 8pm. It makes me nervous because of parking issues. Yeah parking is still one of my things. One that creates anxiety in me.

So in short. I am anxious. Not at danger level, my meds helps me, but I am anxious. And I so need tomorrow off. Really really need it.


 
matilda36: (don't wake me up)
 Yeah I know i have lost even before starting, but I'll try again this posting everyday thing next month. There is always a next month.

The important thing about next month is that they pay me the tredicesima, that is an extra month of salary that's given to people in Italy every december.

Things are going better at work, but not that well and we have a rival outlet setting up in our backgarden. Let's see how things go.

In the meantime I am home till next sunday and I can rest and do things. things that may be reading and listening to music, but that may be engaging in a fight with the spiders that seem to think that my house is their house. I may surprise myself.

Last night I was in bed at 6:30 with a book. I may end up doing the same thing tonight. Everybody knows that i love my bed with a passion.

 
matilda36: (Default)
I am finally on sick leave. And I will not have to think about work for a week. Work was good this morning.Finally the number of tickets emitted is reaching the right amount. and I didn't have to do anything other than emit tickets.

I know that I'll have to work saturday and sunday mornings again, but not in for next week. Tomorrow I'll sleep all morning also because I had the afternoon to relax chatting with [personal profile] cleo69 about limitations. Both my manager and my doctor mentioned the fact that I have limitations due to my condition.

She talked me about how i can work around my limitations, but it still stings. Also because i am worried that people at work will start treating me differently, like weak and stupid. I am a lot of things, included drugged to the gills, but definitely not stupid.

But those thoughts are for after next week. This week all i have to do is to let drugs work.

Sick leave

Sep. 19th, 2013 11:53 am
matilda36: (Default)
 I went to see my doctor yesterday and the first thing he did after I told him the symptoms was to order me some sick leave. He wanted me to start today, but I managed to persuade him to let me start sunday so I am not leaving work in the lurch. I am leaving them a bit in the lurchall the same, but at least there's no Champions next week, so it should be quieter.

He told me also what I have always thought: that i am different from other people so I have to take more care of myself and that means sometimes doing less than other people. It has been a bit of a blow hearing it from him, but it makes me feel less guilty about my...fragility? No not fragilty I'd rather say letargy.

Speaking of letargy, he raised my dosage of Risperidone and warned me that he could make me letargic, but last night I spent all night tossing and turning. This morning it was slightly better, but just. I think it's all about work, my anxiety in explaining to my manager the situation and 3 more days of work, of which 2 are afternoons. And I never sleep well when I work afternoon, like today. No time to wind down like I usually do. Oh well I'll finish Harry Potter.
matilda36: (i am done pretending)
 My attempt of writing more is already gone, overtaken by too much work and a too short holiday in which I apparently didn't do anything else than sleep and read. My home is still chaos (My father told me off on friday when he did pop up to see me)and I am back at work, working maybe not a lot of hours, but everyday. This morning I worked 9 to 13, tomorrow I work 15 to 20.... that kind of annoying shifts. But Still there are not 40 hours a week, those hours that I don't know I would be able to work. I still don't know what really are my limits, how much I can do before my stress levels bring me down. This summer I just lowered the lamictal and it was chaos inside my mind. It's often chaos inside my mind. That's why I sleep and read, read and sleep.
matilda36: (Default)
 I am feeling better. Work is always shit and I had a moment of parking panic this morning (I shouldn't have worried, everybody who could has already gone on holiday or will go in the next two days), but I managed my weekly shopping (the grand total of 11,95 euros of it) and went for a nice walk.

I should feel guilty about going by car, but a)I needed to buy water, and 12 water bottles are a bit heavy, and b) I am going back to work tonight for a special night opening.

I have been told that  the next couple of weeks are going to be busy for me, but I always expect that in august (normal people go on holiday in august, not like me, who never go on holiday). Probably I'll take a week in september. Otherwise I'll end up having to ask for sick leave. Yeah , the symptoms are muted, but still there.

Tomorrow I am skyping with my boss at the book website I work with. I feel quite cool videoconferencing. It's the kind of me the other me, the cool editor would do.

Today one of our customers told me that I am a good looking woman, but I need to take more care if myself. He's right, I know and dieting is something that I am doing in that direction, but I never loved the way I look. That's why I hide under the weight.

On other news I have decided to look for the meaning of life. Or at least for the meaning of my life. I need a solid foundation on which to build my future and a reason to live is good. Something more than "my father would be heartbroken if I were to die".

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