matilda36: (Default)
 I will be in love with my cat, broke, in a workplace that should be safe for the next two years, but it's really constantly on the verge of bankrupt, with a messy house and a father starting to show his age, and I am happy.

It may be the three coffees that I had today, or simply the fact that I feel loved, but I am happy. The problems will get solved, I just need to pick up a broom and clean the house, even if I like the beachlike quality of my bathroom floor inundated by the sand that you put in the litter boxes (clean, he likes it clean my cat, today he called me till I went and took away his more recent gift from the litterbox because it was bothering his delicate nose)

I'll find a job I like, maybe translating. Maybe I'll become the next Fernanda Pivano. Or maybe I'll write that novel about daughters and fathers that I have always had in me. Maybe I'll start work on that website for people with mental health problem were they can express themselves without families and their doctors watching over their shoulders. I love that people take care of me but I'd like to do something for my brethen.

I don't feel old, I feel at the beginning of a new life. So happy birthday to me and let's start this new life.

 
matilda36: (pic#745355)
 Yay! I finally can write again on DW. Writing on lj hasn't got the same meaning for me. With DW I feel more sure, more at home.

Tonight I meet my new love. His name is Bruno,has a soft black fur and he's a kitten. After resisting that long without a cat, loneliness had the better of me and when a friend offered, I said yes.

The best thing is that finally I have cleaned all the house with a cat friendly product, included the left overs of last week gastroenteritis.

Thank goddess my auntie does all my washing.

What else! Oh I am on vacation. After the first 2 days of rushing around, today I have finally slowed down, watched the first 3 episodes of the Tudors, decided to finally go to bed to read the Mallorean (it arrived today, I still have one missing, but it's the first one so I can know how the story ends) and feel asleep.

That's more or less my plan for the next week. Walk in the morning, then cuddles and reading with the cat. I even shopped for the week.

(Good because I don't have money, the end of the month is looming)

And now I think I'll go back to bed for another nap..

 
matilda36: (Default)
 I didn't go. Call me a coward, but I don't like the idea of going out, even for an ice cream with somebody who calls me his mistress and tells me about the growing strenght of his feelings (when he has just seen me at work a few minutes while he bets.). I replied to his latest telling him that I ain't nobody's mistress and that all he'll have from me is the odd ice cream.

Work is... a nightmare. We are badly organised, we have more customers than staff and I have to listen to a 22 year old arrogant bastard telling me off for something I did with permission from a manager. Fuck off M, I knew somebody else like you and he didn't end well.

These kinds of things depress me, and I am already depressed by my immobility, so this morning I went to my soctor and we decided to add an antidepressant to the mix. I don't have the best history with antidepressants, but I am optimist about this one. It's slightly stimulant, so maybe it'll stop me from going to bed at 6pm. 

And it'll help me to find more energy to do the things I need to do, like cleaning the house, search for a job and take care of me, so I attract the right kind of men, those who can take care of me and don't just want to fuck me. I want to be a wife, not a mistress. Wife or spinster, no middleways for me. Because being a spinster has its advantages and I enjoy them to the full.

 
matilda36: (Meredith wedding)
 Another date, with somebody who talks about my "sex appeal" I tried to make him understand that I am not interested in nothing more than an ice cream (that I am not going to eat, because I gave up sweets for lent and I don't want to give up just when the end line is in sight. This morning I bought an Easter Cake to be my dinner for Easter Sunday) and an afternoon speaking English. 

He's an English teacher, so he speaks a good English and he can help me with my pronunciation, my biggest problem because I rarely speak English. I read and write it regularly, but I don't speak it enough.

The big question is: I am not interested, so why I am unable to say no. B. buldozed me into going out with him, but I could have said no very easily. A simple: I never go out with customers would have been enough. Well, maybe not enough, because he would have kept asking, but It would have protected me.

So. I am weak and I don't know how to say no. I am just a bit worried that he will not keep his hands to himself, but that's why we are going to stay in a very public space.
matilda36: (don't wake me up)
 To keep up positivity is hard, especially when you are used to be negative and you are at peace only when you are alone and the world cannot touch you., As soon as you have to go out in the world, the world catches up with you.

I am happy and balanced only when I am alone. as I am discovering it these last few weeks, where I work sat, sun, mon and I am free the other days. Days that I spend blissfully alone. When I can write optimistic posts.

Knowing that I am going to work this afternoon has me anxious. The first question is:"will I find a parking spot?". Then there's "Will we be busy?" and then there's "Will my till check out or will I miss money at the end of the day?". All these questions take away my breath. 

The only thing I can answer is: "It will be as God wants it to be". This helps me a bit, till the anxiety starts to rise again.

With anxiety come sadness and negativity. I am not able to smile.

Let's try an exercise: Smile at least for today. Accept reality and fight to improve things where you can, like in being a better cashier and being more careful with money. As for parking...that's really in the hands of the Lord

Acceptance

Feb. 4th, 2014 01:58 pm
matilda36: (Default)
 On Sunday I was reading one of those self help blogs. It was talking about acceptance: acceptance of life and of where it puts us, and acceptance of ouselves.

I said: I will never be able to do it.

This morning I woke up with a feeling of peace and contentment, of acceptance. Yes I have bipolar disorder, but it doesn't mean it has to stop me. Yes I am broke, but I have enough money to take me to my next payday. Yes, I am a disaster in parking, but I'll be more careful in the future and accept the consequences of my mistakes.

Two nights ago, I prayed: I prayed the Lord to give me a sign, I prayed my mother to guide me in her unique way. This feeling I have may be the fruit of those prayers. I don't know if it will last (I honestly hope so, I could do with some clarity in my mind), but for sure I am enjoying it. Friday I am going to visit my mother ( in the cemetery), because I have been missing her like crazy recently.

Yesterday at work, everything went well, for the first time in ages I made some money and tickets on a weekday. And I did not do any big mistakes. That probably helped with my serenity as well. Oh and I have not to go to work till saturday.

Time to get something done? I am trying a technique [livejournal.com profile] cleo69 thaught me. You give yourself a goal and meet it, but without a time restraint, like saying tomorrow I have to do this or I am a total failure and I can go back to my lazy ways. Just a goal. and when you meet it, you set another one, and then another one, till you are used to do things, without the pressure to do it everyday. If one day you are too tired, or not feeling well, it's ok. 

Tomorrow I am gonna set me a bit objective: dust the living room. I'll see how I do.

For today I met my goals and i am going to keep reading (and probably finish, (Gervase, write the next one quick) The cross and the poppy by the lovely Gervase Wemyss [livejournal.com profile] wemyss  Bapton Books publishing, available on all the major (and minor) booksites.

It may be one of those things that have inspired this bout of Faith. It's a deeply religious book, but calling it a Christian book would be to make it a disservice. It's a book with great characters, some of which are defined by their faith and the story is closely linked with religious happenings, but that's not all the story. It's.... a great book. I'll probably write it a proper review once I have finished it For the moment it's great company and great inspiration.

Amen, sister, amen.
 
matilda36: (Luna)
 I was trying to sleep last night, after a nightmare of a day and I remembered suddenly that I was able to write funny stories. Funny/sexy stories

I am gonna try to find that inspiration back. It's all part of that spiritual growth thing I have going, to take me away from my obssession.

I had some funny stuff (at least what i find funny) that had some recognition at the time. Obviously all of my stories have been swept away in a computer crash or the other, but I wrote them.

In the meantime, another hockey game, maybe some Sherlock, surely some reading. I need to relax.

 
matilda36: (Default)
 Today I don't want to talk about work. I work 24 hours a week, I am not a manager, just a mere cashier so I have no responsibilities, and yet I spend an inordinate amount of time worrying about work.

No, not worrying, obsessing. I have an obssessive personality and I tend to obssess about work. I did it in London I am doing it now. The difference is that I am conscious  of what I am doing and I don't take it out aggressively on those around me.  

Obssessing is very tiring. That's one of the reasons why I spend so much of my time sleeping or reading, because when I sleep (and even before I sleep there is a period of obssessing while my meds work.) or read I am not obssessing. That should have been my new year's resolution: to stop obssessing.

But that's more difficult than that because obssessing is part of my illness. In fact my meds helps taking off  the aggressive edge to my obssession.

I want to try to stop obsessing, especially about something as stupid as work. I mean working and earning is important, but it's not my life. My spiritual life has to be more than that.  I am allowing poverty to dictate who I am. I am ugly, sad and worried all the time.

You can be poor and be happy. I have internet access, I am warm,, I have a car... in the end I cannot complain. There are people much worse off than me. So I need to start enjoying life more. I can afford happiness.

 
matilda36: (Default)
 First day I managed to keep most of my resolutions. I even managed to smile at work. I think I looked a bit constipated because I am not used to it, but at least I tried.

Work was chaos. The new games we introduced are a resounding success, but the Boss doean't want to give us enough staff to deal with it properly. The customers complain, we complain, but he's stubborn. But I think we'll wear him down with a tad of logic and chaos.

For the rest.... I slept a lot. Spent some time with my dad and eaten like a pig least night. So Today I ate just grapes and bananas.

Maybe I'll have a bit of Christmas cake before bed. I should be off the next 3 days (unless the boss gives up) and I am looking forward to them.

Those holidays have been quiet but busy for me and I need to cuddle in my nest a bit. After all that's taking care of myself and that's my priority. 

Taking care of myself.

 
matilda36: (candles)
 I usually don't do them, because I am crap at keeping my resolutions from one day to the other , imagine keeping them for an entire year. Anyway here's the list:

1) Keep on with my diet. This one is relatively easy. I have gained these festivities, but less than I thought, so I can easily ( hopefully) slip back into my rhythm and loose the last 10kg.

2) Exercise. This is something that I usually struggle with. A lot. I know it would help with my diet, especially with this round belly that doesn't want to deflate. It would also raise my energy levels at the moment very low. We'll see. Maybe a little walk every day would be a good start.

3) Become a better blogger. Both here and on my professional blog. I have things to say, and I am gonna say them well.

4) Find a better job. This is the most difficult of all, because the job market is a nightmare and I am not sure what I can offer nowadays, after 8 years rotting behind a till, but I will try, I will keep trying. I will also refresh my translation tentative start. I'll keep the teaching as the last line of defense, because it's not something I enjoy. (and I am not all that good at it)

5) Be more cheerful. I rarely smile. And not always because I am unhappy. It's just that I spend so much time alone that I don't need to smile. So, my intention is to smile more. Because if you smile people smile you back.

6) Clean the darn house, keep clean the darn house.

So those are my resolutions. Some easier than others, but I want to try all of them. Updates to come to this blog.
matilda36: (candles)
In the end I got the Christmas bouns. And 4 days off for Christmas, including Christmas eve, Christmas day and Boxing day. I am back to work on friday.

Sunday I was very serene, yesterday too, but this morning I woke up a bit cranky. So now I am watching hockey and trying to think deep thoughts for Christmas.

Christmas is always been there for me. I looked forwards to it more some years then others. When i was a child I usually had good Christmasses. When I was a teenager I had the shadow of my mother's drinking on me. Then when i was groing up... to be I forgot.

I forgot most of my Christmasses. I remember going for a walk around midnght with my parents to give time to Father Chritmes (my grandmother) to bring the present. I remember the peace of the streets and the joy of being there with both my parents.

I remember my father coming to visit me in London and us cooking a mishmash of Italian and English food.

And I remember the most recent Christmasses, my father and I here in peace, eating and listening to Carols on the radio. Going to the pictures on Christmas day (This year and the last is the Hobbit) and (That's a more recent tradition) The Carol Concert on Boxing day.

The rest is a blur. I remeber most of my past in chunks coming up clear one day and foggy the other. I have entire years that I have forgotten, in particular the first year back in Italy, when I was so bad that I deleted everything. Or most of it.

I am not sure if it's my illness or just getting old. 

In the meantime I wish you all a wonderful Christmas surrounded by love and peace.

 

Taxes

Dec. 18th, 2013 04:04 pm
matilda36: (Default)
 We lost enough customers to put in doubt our Christmas bonus. And that's a problem because I need it.Taxes and repairs (I had to call the plumber for the kitchen sink and I had to take my laptop to repair) mean money going out like a water leak.

The good part is that the taxes aren't all that high and there are no added taxes to my rent, but it means that i have to sit down and manage my expenses.

I had my father here for nearly a week. It has been a pleasure and it will be a pleasure again to see him at Christmas, but he was getting restless and that was messing my karma. I wanted to use him as a slave to clean the house, but we ended up doing the usual things. Playing comupter games, reading, watching hockey...

I am going to have a lovely early night tonight enjoying having my bed all for me. In the meantime I'll wash my dishes in my newly functioning sink and read a bit.

 
matilda36: (i am done pretending)
 I am having a  mild panic attack. It's mostly work related (OMG if I loose this job what i am going to do?), but there's also some underlining sadness.

And to say that the day had started well, with me managing the first part of the winter clothes exchange (I have so many pair of pants and jeans that's not funny. I hope that at least some will work with my new weight.. Speaking of weight, I have lost, even with Macdonald on sunday.

This sunday I am going to have a egg mcmuffin and a coffee. I am not gonna eat at lunchtime till I get home, so this should minimise the damage.

The other thing that's worrying me is that the resnt hasn't arrived yet and this may mean that I have to pay more for all the water that they haven't made us pay when it was its time. We'll see. I did some maths and if I don't eat I may even make it.

Now i am going to eat (while I can) and maybe I will do some more hoousework, or I'll just read, to keep my head busy.

Do you know what I think that made me sad? The fact that my doctor said that I need to put effort in improving my life, that meds are not enough. They can help, but just help, I have to find the strenght inside me. I used to have that strenght, now....

 
matilda36: (don't wake me up)
 I knew that the Flyers Vs penguins game was on wednesday so this morning I got up and went to the penguins website to find out how did the match go.

I was surprise i couldn't find the result and looked everywhere until i realised that today is Wednesday andmaybe there weren't any results because they still have to play. Go Penguins go!

 
matilda36: (don't wake me up)
 Yeah I know i have lost even before starting, but I'll try again this posting everyday thing next month. There is always a next month.

The important thing about next month is that they pay me the tredicesima, that is an extra month of salary that's given to people in Italy every december.

Things are going better at work, but not that well and we have a rival outlet setting up in our backgarden. Let's see how things go.

In the meantime I am home till next sunday and I can rest and do things. things that may be reading and listening to music, but that may be engaging in a fight with the spiders that seem to think that my house is their house. I may surprise myself.

Last night I was in bed at 6:30 with a book. I may end up doing the same thing tonight. Everybody knows that i love my bed with a passion.

 
matilda36: (don't wake me up)
 Yesterday I was supposed to be at home, but they called me in because The father of one of my colleagues had a bad car accident.

This means thta from here to my next break it will be 11 consecutive days I have worked. And still I don't know if he will be back by then.

Last night and this morning I didn't sleep well. I had baddreams. Not nightmares, but the kind of dreams you have problems shake off.

The Penguins lost 5-1 to the Rangers. 

But apparently Willy Shakez, the booksite i am supposed to do some work for, is finally open. A bout of fresh air in what at 11:10 looks like a long day already.

 
matilda36: (Default)
 Yesterday I was definitely out of it, that's my excuse. A morning shift like a nightmare, It nearly made me loose my patience. Nearly I say. I have been good. But the fact is: we have customers, we have work, why our boss keeps cutting shifts? He has to pay us for the hours we have on our contract, whenever we do them.

Oh well, that's his problem. Today it was a decent morning. I had a long walk in the market (only 50p for a book I have been good) nice breakfast, then I had the time to do things properly before customers arrived. And they arrived. Luckily there are other colleagues dealing with them. I'll deal with them tomorrow afternoon. Tomorrow morning, I take my old man to get his pension and for his usual shopping.

Wednesday I am home and I plan on sleeping. Not that i plan a late night today.

 

Shitty day

Nov. 2nd, 2013 04:14 pm
matilda36: (i am done pretending)
 Shitty, shitty day. First I didn't hear my alarm clock the first time, then I got a phone call from work that I got my shits wrong and that I needed to be at work that exact moment.So rush to work, luckily found a good parking spot imediately. Then got to work, worked in a decent mood, avoided some annoying clients, got some others. Nearly forgot to take my pill because I was busy, then got my boss in a shitty mood just when I was leaving and got an earful that wasn't for me. 

Luckily now I am home, with my pill, had my late lunch and having my decaf with some classical music and a decent story.

I just hope that I'll be able to sleep early, so this day will finish early.
matilda36: (i am done pretending)
Like every november inflict on my (few) readers my attempt at blogging everyday for a month. I feel very boring at the moment, probably because I am all doped up, so my posts will probably not be all that brilliant.

Wednesday i got my weight and I was under 75, but yesterday I ate very badly so I don't know how I will do next week. Today I have been eating not bad. I got home famished, like always when i work morning. This morning was ok. Probably because there are a lot of people away for the long weekend and probably not all knew that football was today and not tomorrow. I dunno. What I know is that i got home tired and a tad cranky.

So now I'll spend time reading and listening to some music. The usual things I do when I am tired and a tad cranky

 
matilda36: (Default)
 Working fridaythrough monday it's heavy, because they are the busiest days of the week, so I reach Monday afternoon that I just want to go to bed. And believe me, to bed I'll go. And pretty early. Last week had been particularly heavy because I got a cold. I went to see my auntie and the heating wasn't on at her place. Luckily It passed quite quickly..

Great news! The site I am supposed to blog for it's alive! Well not yet, but Still....My idea is that they hope to be online in time for Christmas shopping. We'll see.

Saturday is my birthday, but everything going fine, I'll celebrate on friday with my father. We deserve some time together.

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