matilda36: (Default)
 I didn't go. Call me a coward, but I don't like the idea of going out, even for an ice cream with somebody who calls me his mistress and tells me about the growing strenght of his feelings (when he has just seen me at work a few minutes while he bets.). I replied to his latest telling him that I ain't nobody's mistress and that all he'll have from me is the odd ice cream.

Work is... a nightmare. We are badly organised, we have more customers than staff and I have to listen to a 22 year old arrogant bastard telling me off for something I did with permission from a manager. Fuck off M, I knew somebody else like you and he didn't end well.

These kinds of things depress me, and I am already depressed by my immobility, so this morning I went to my soctor and we decided to add an antidepressant to the mix. I don't have the best history with antidepressants, but I am optimist about this one. It's slightly stimulant, so maybe it'll stop me from going to bed at 6pm. 

And it'll help me to find more energy to do the things I need to do, like cleaning the house, search for a job and take care of me, so I attract the right kind of men, those who can take care of me and don't just want to fuck me. I want to be a wife, not a mistress. Wife or spinster, no middleways for me. Because being a spinster has its advantages and I enjoy them to the full.

matilda36: (don't wake me up)
 I tamed the joy of saving money by getting a ticket wrong and missing 100 euros at work (Dangers of the job), but I am still on target and I have now my Insurance in my hands.

Today I applied for a job where they require a disable person with buyer experience. It would be a dream. We'll see.

As for the rest, last night I didn't sleep well at all. The fact that I have basically all this week morning shifts except for tomorrow and thursday is pissing me off a bit. Not for the loss of my naps, but for the... I dunno how to define it. I was expecing to work 3 days this week and now I find myself working 5. I know that makes me a bit apprehensive about working a full working day, but if I have to do a job I like I am sure I can work normal hours.

Tonight I hope to sleep better. It will be a lovely early night, I have a story to tell myself and I know I shuldn't have to work for the next two days. Time to wash my hair and make minestrone from scratch.

matilda36: (Default)
 I am terrified. Terrified of loosing my job, terrified by the loss of civil rights for gays in Russia, terrified that they will not arrest Berlusconi, terrified that they'll arrest Berlusconi, terrified about my rent, terrified that my next paycheck will not enter, terrified about everything.

I am grateful that I have 3 days off work, that I can spend relaxing (Ah! Relaxing as if it was a possibility), butI am terrified of going back to work. Images of the disaster that the last two weeks have been keep flashing behind my eyelids.making me even more terrified.

Last night I went to bed at 7 to try to break the mold.The question is: Do I keep hangiong on my current job, with the attached manic episode (I have already started shouting at people, including my 82 year old neighbout) or I let go and start working on my dream: working as  translator,copyeditor, editor and blogger. Will my new job allow me .the same free time that my current one allows me? When I do something I like usually I need less rest and the alternative would be working in an office. Or cleaning staircases, if I can find the job.

What scares me most is how agitated I am becoming at work. It reminds me of my last days in London.I don't want that. I don't want people to hate me to be  scared of me, just because I am afraid of loosing a job. That I liked. Now I don't know if I like it anymore.

What matters is that I avoid a bad manic episode. I am on that way. In the meantime I'll bring the lamictal back up to 300 and I'll try to use techniques that relax me. Like reading, but I am gonna try getting out of tthe house too. I can do with a MacD. Maybe today or tomorrow. Or just go for a walk, like I used to do in London. And chat and talk with people.

Do you know what the secret can be? To focus on my wellbeing. Remember I am ill and I need to take care of me. If he fires me I have 9 months of unemployment benefits to find a job, and I have my dad to lean on.and he to lean on me. We are together in this. It's good. 

Health first.

matilda36: (Default)
 Everyday things get worse. It's a constant leakage of customers. 

Today it has been interesting because I got to learn how the new systems work and I'll do it all the week long.  The good thing is that it means that I'll probably have more time free next week. Time that i can spend plotting and planning my future. 

This week I walk to work 3 days too and today I got home all sweaty. That's a good thing because it helps my weight  loss plan, hoping it's not a cunning plan.

Last night I got home very nervous, after a disastrous day at work, and I thought I would have problams sleeping, but it went quite ok. It was good also because I didn't go back to bed for a quick nap, but stayed up till it was time to go to work, so I didn't allow bad thoughts to come in my brain.

The walk helped and now I have done something to help my plans go ahead. INow I just want to relax, maybe write a bit.


Jul. 21st, 2013 03:31 pm
matilda36: (Default)
 The situation at work is getting worse and worse. There's gonna be a big change of provider next week, let's hope it helps.

For the time being after I paid everything I have to pay I should have 120 euros left to see me till the 10th of the month, if the situation doesn't get that bad that there's no money to pay the salaries, but let's not worry about it.

It's my second day off (of 3) and I really needed it. It may help to focus on the important things, like what I want to do when I grow up. I want to be an editor a copyeditor, a proofreader a beta a translator and on the sidelines teach Italian and English, because at the beginning these will be the ones bringing me money. I spoke with my manager and she agreed to help me out with the hours. She knows taht the job we have hasn't got a lot of future and she's looking herself for something initailally on the side.

Mmmh. Idea: send my CV to all the private schools in the area, to see if something comes up. I'll start looking into it tomorrow, I am going to need a plan for  cold calling this way.Or better cold emailing.

It's gonna be tricky establishing myself and making enough money at the beginning but it makes me feel better than going to work full time in an office. At least I think. I am a bit confused.
matilda36: (Default)
 Last night I worked till midnight and this morning I was out of the house by 7:50 to go to the post office and to have my pap test done. It has been a long, hot morning.also because I was so worried about smelling when I got to see  the doctor. I had walked a lot by then and I was sweaty.

I am afraid that this pap test will discover something. Because yes I am changing the way I eat and I am eating less, but I am still eating a lot of the things I enjoy. Las night I had icecream. I felt full afterwards, but I ate it.  So I am not sure how natural is it to loose the weight I am loosing.. We'll see what comes back. Probably I don't feel hungry because I am used to eating less food now and I get full more easily.

Work is slow, very slow and the boss is making some stupid decisions, so I don't know how long this work will last. But I am ok with it. My career as blogger seems to finally be starting and I am getting again in the mood for writing. I subscribe to two brilliant blogs on tumble [ profile] fuckyeahcharacterdevelopment and [ profile] writewords that are inspiring me to write. I had lost even my blogging muse, but now that I am getting posted I am back to be enthisiastic (A lot will depend on if I get comments and what kind of comments I get). But whatever happens it will be an incentive to write better.

I have also started applying for jobs. It's a slow and harduous process, with a lot of rejections, but one I have to do. I will ask my doctor what he thinks about creating a site for bipolars to meet, without doctors involved, or involved very little (example: when somebody shares suicidal thoughts). It could be a good thing to do. I could do with a place where I don't feel manipulated by the system. I know that I am doing my share of manipulating (obtaining disable status has been useful when  I had to get a job), but the system has me feeling down because I am disabled.

My house is a bombsite, and I am absolutely not in the mood to tidy up. I will if I know I'll get visitors, but in the meantime I'll just enjoy it being a bombsite and spend my time reading. I have finished the Sid/Geno fics, I'll start with the Kane/Tazer ones. And Kryptaria and Bootsand blossoms have a new 00Q fic that I am waiting they finish to publish to read. Oh and scifigirl47 has one Avengers fic out too. So I have plenty to read. 

I like this post full of things to look forward to.


Jun. 18th, 2013 06:03 pm
matilda36: (Default) rent did come trough. 60 euros more than usual, but I can survive. Maybe fill my tank too.

My neighbour asked me to borrow 20 euros. 20 euros. His druggie son is a piece of shit to abuse his parents this way. 

Still filling in applications to job websites. I want to be in perfect shape when I go for it in september. I think my boss wants to see how things go with the new football season before deciding if to close or not. And I'd like to be sure to have a good job to go to, before leaving the one that I have at the moment.

I am now under the 80kg. (not sure I have already said it, but the thing makes me so happy. I am going to sweat this summer, sweat some fat. That's why I want this hot weather, so i can sweat it out.. At least now I can fit into most of my clothes.

Those are the news. I already know that this is gonna be another long summer at work, but they always are.
matilda36: (Default)
 so I wrote my CV and subscribed to another job website. My problem is that I don't know where to look for jobs. I mean as location. There are 3 towns I am interested in. Two I can commute from where I am now, the third is a jump in the dark, but it's where my dad wants to live and so I have to take that into account.

Tomorrow I am going and put up some ads offering lessons. I feel better when I do something.But my afternoons are still relaxing reading and chatting with [personal profile] cleo69 . As she pointed to me: Keep calm and survive another day.
matilda36: (Default)
 I went to work by foot today because I was hoping to put up an ad for my teaching service, but the place was closed. Then I got to work and bad news: the horses are on strike, again.

This means even more holidays. And that's ok, because I am in total jobhunting mood. I know it's the worst period of the year to look for jobs, everybody is gearing down for the summer (Italians take seriously their summer holidays), but at least all the work I am putting in now will be helpful come September.While filling in my linkedin CV I realised that i have many more skills than I thought I had that I can share. I can teach, I can do creative writing, I can proofread and copyedit....I can translate I can do procurement.

The real kudos today go to [personal profile] cleo69 who saved me a lot of money. I can even think that I may make it this month now. That's a big relief, but I am still waiting for my rent to arrive and tell me what my fate's gonna be, but I am a tad closer to making it.

Tomorrow I am off. I'll probably end up cleaning the house. I have so much nervous energy....


Jun. 3rd, 2013 09:01 pm
matilda36: (Default)
 I confess I was forgetting my daily appointment with my training blog.

Not a lot to say about today. Slept, did my things, read, chatted a bit....and now I am getting ready to go to bed again.

I was sad this morning, Sad and anxious, but it went away with the day. Probably the sun that has warmed my legs at sunset has something to do with it. I want warmth I want sun.

I have decided that I am starting to send my CV around.  Well first I have to write my CV. Mine had gone lost in a previous computer crash and anyway it is probably outdated by now. I got an ebook on suggestions on how to write a CV, We'll see what it says. I want also improve my CV on linkedin. I am told it's a good place where to start putting your name out, especially abroad. Leaving Italy is such a sweet temptation.

Anyway, plenty of things to do and look forward to, while I gear up for Job hunting.


Jun. 2nd, 2013 07:57 pm
matilda36: (Luna)
 I am ashamed of myself. I want a future as a blogger and yet my little piece yesterday was full of grammar and syntax mistakes. Today I am going to proofread my piece.

Things at work aren't looking great. There is talk of cutting hours (something I can't afford. I l scrape by like it is and only with my dad's help) and the outlook is not very positive. Today we worked, but apparently not enough. *sighs* The stars are preducting a favourable change of work after 27 of June.

My idea of a blog/network for bipolars is still there. The only question is: How can I make it make money for me? Because, let's be honest, I can't afford to live on air just because it's a good idea and a good cause.

A former colleague stopped by today. He has been looking for work on and off for the last six months and he hasn't found anything.I know he hasn't looked very hard because he's finishing up university, but he has looked. Apparently even temping agencies are closing down.

I have to take into account that I plan on changing  towns. Different place, different jobmarket. . A lot of my colleagues plan on not only moving town, but country too. Italy is definitely not in a good place at the moment.

Where is a good place at the moment? I will not give up and keep looking. Only by believing in myself I can make it.
matilda36: (Default)
 This morning, a colleague who is working for start up website about books, asked me to be a contributor. My reply was Hell Yeah. Because that's what I'd love to you. Writing about books, doing reviews and creative writing work. It's a small step, but one in the righjt direction. Maybe I need to dust up my goodreads subscription and dust up my essay writing skills.

Maybe I can try even here on my blog. I know that I use this mostly to moan about my personal feelings, my medications and the boredom that are my days, but I need to write more, if I want to make writing my job.

I have lost my style. I used to have a fluid style of writing, with a nice flow, now It's all: I worked two days this week, I am bored, I am going to work early tomorrow because it's snowing and I need to find parking. and other brilliant thoughts. 

I need to find again my writing mojo. 


Feb. 7th, 2013 11:55 am
matilda36: (Default)
 I am feeling less sad. Yesterday I started work on my CV. The first question is what kind of jobs do I want to go for? I am happish with a part time. I say happish because when I work I get tired, and when I don't I am bored. I used to think that I would not be bale to work full time, but I am not so sure now. I was sure that I was supposed to do shitty jobs as well, but now I want a good job, or at least a job that allows me to pay my way and makes me happy. I don't hate my job, but I don't like the atmosphere surrounding it. There is an aria of war. constant war surrounding the place. I want to work in a place where people is happy to work.Where we keep the customers happy, where the managers don't start getting depressed the moment they enter the building.

I know I want a job where I am in contact with people. I am lonely and I want people around me. Career is not important to me. I tried and it's just too much stress, but I want tomake something that makes me happy. Yaeah, but what? Teaching? Trying again that route?

I need to think about it. I know these are hard times, but I already got a job, so I can look without having to take the first thing that comes my way.
matilda36: (andy hand)
of getting into online tutoring: Italian and Creative Writing.

I am stating it here, so I may actually do something about it. Determination is not usually my strong suit.
matilda36: (Default)
Do you remember that CV I sent out a couple of weeks ago ?

Just when I had basically lost all hopes I received a call asking for an interview because they are looking for teachers for a morning shift, always my favourite and the one where I have more availability at the moment.

The interview is Thursday at 3:30 pm.... good vibes very welcome.
matilda36: (sun freedom)
On Wednesday one of my student called to let me know about an English teaching job opportunity she has spotted.

Yesterday I went and I had a look at it.

Today I applied.

Just now another of my students (who knows the school in question, and I had contacted for informations ) called me to let me know she has just met a teacher from that school and has sang my praises to her. The teacher seems to be happy with the school, and that's pretty rare amongst ESOL teachers.

Now i do not know if to feel flattered, hopeful, scared or worried my health can take it.

Send good vibes my way so that what is best for me comes my way 



Jul. 27th, 2007 07:08 pm
matilda36: (smell the roses)
I actually have a job. 

A parttime job as a cashier at the bookies, but stil a job that gives me some security for a bit, allows me to get used to a normal working environment in contact with the public and work odd hours.

I am alternating between happy and terrified at the moment...

Thank goddess i start tomorrow, so I haven't got too long to panic.
matilda36: (Default)

Just come home from my interview... it went...quite well I think. I did not panic and considering how I was feeling yesterday that's an achievement.

I like the job, I like hours, I like working environment. 

Now I am waiting to know about the salary and if I got it... so please keep the good vibes coming...

Thanks to everybody for the support. Replies to individuals later.

Love you all.

matilda36: (Path)
...and I am totally panicking....
matilda36: (jack laugh)

*bounces up and down excitedly*

Monday morning 10:30. Prayers, positive vibes, and just love welcome...

I have been pretty down recently for this jobhunting stuff and I know it has made me a bit silent and absent...but I did not want to bring you lot down with me. I have even been considering going back to office work and office politics, that I hate with a passion in my desperate the prospect of a job teaching English has me dancing in the aisles...

I know a few people on my f-list have been feeling not very happy themselves and did not want to add insult to injury. I do think of you and I do send you all the possible love vibes I can. 

Dance with me?

ETA: Keep the good vibes coming folks... now I do have another interview for thursday...

*bounces* thank you


matilda36: (Default)

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