matilda36: (Default)
 I didn't go. Call me a coward, but I don't like the idea of going out, even for an ice cream with somebody who calls me his mistress and tells me about the growing strenght of his feelings (when he has just seen me at work a few minutes while he bets.). I replied to his latest telling him that I ain't nobody's mistress and that all he'll have from me is the odd ice cream.

Work is... a nightmare. We are badly organised, we have more customers than staff and I have to listen to a 22 year old arrogant bastard telling me off for something I did with permission from a manager. Fuck off M, I knew somebody else like you and he didn't end well.

These kinds of things depress me, and I am already depressed by my immobility, so this morning I went to my soctor and we decided to add an antidepressant to the mix. I don't have the best history with antidepressants, but I am optimist about this one. It's slightly stimulant, so maybe it'll stop me from going to bed at 6pm. 

And it'll help me to find more energy to do the things I need to do, like cleaning the house, search for a job and take care of me, so I attract the right kind of men, those who can take care of me and don't just want to fuck me. I want to be a wife, not a mistress. Wife or spinster, no middleways for me. Because being a spinster has its advantages and I enjoy them to the full.

 
matilda36: (i am done pretending)
 That I am slurrying my voice, that it takes me a long time to park and that I am not good with handling money (He doesn't know the last two, but I noticed them) and that generally I am slower, that it takes me time to think.

So he lowered my medication. It's the right thing to do, I know, but I am a bit scared. I was at ease in my cotton world. I was able to go to work. I was unable to do things and have proper human interactions,but that doesn't matter.

What matter is that I have to face the world a bit more and that's scary.

Oh and on a cheerful note, I am now under 73kg ufficially.

 
matilda36: (don't wake me up)
 Had two intense days at work, and realised that I am not able to smile at work anymore. I go with the best intentions, try some smiles, try to be relaxed and joke, and I fail completely.

I close up in myself more and more and I reach the end of my shift completely gone. I know that I am obssessing about work, but  work is the only place I have to confront people with this new attitude i am trying to have towards the world. 

I want to..... I was gonna say be a good person, but that's not it.  I am already a decent human being. I don't want to become a saint because those are made of a different cloth.  I am a bit of a gossip, I am a fiend when it comes to parking, I can be a bit judgmental and I spend a lot of time in a dark place, but I am a decent human being. I can do better and that it's something that I m gonna try.

But it's not the issue here what I want to become is a positive person. Somebody who thinks not "Oh I had 10 euros missing from my till" but she thinks "I was a goddess at parking today", who doesn't think: "this is a difficult customer i know it alread"y but she thinks "I already knows what thinks customer wants so i can give it to him".

Switch thinking patterns. But it's hard. Tonight I am going out with some friends from outside work. I know only one person from the group well, so it's gonna be an interesting experience. To see if I can be a positive person in a new environment.

In the meantime I think I am gonna need an afternoon nap. I am soooooo tired.

 

Serenity

Feb. 18th, 2014 01:45 pm
matilda36: (Default)
 I have been doing a lot of thinking recently and one of the things that is coming out of it is that I have no idea where I am going.

I agree that God (or Fate) decides a lot of things in our life, but we have Free will after all, so an idea of where I want to go would be nice. In the meantime I am trying to change approach to things and people.

For example to let my costumers get to me less (even when they are annoying on purpose) and to go to work with a more positive attitude. 
 
Positive attitude that I am trying to apply to everything, even to an afternoon spent at home (Yeah i know those are already my favourites), but they are rarely as serene as today.

This serenity, if I manage to keep it going (and I am arming myself with things that can help me keep it going) can help me to find my way, to decide where I want to go, beyond changing work. Even with a better job, I would always be fluctuating, thinking about what my life will be after my father is gone, what meaning will it have other than keeping him fighting.

I am alone and lonely and I am shy and silent. Starting to be more positive can make me smile more and people like me more (although the way my manager at work takes care of me since I had to take sick leave is very sweet).

This change of attitude will help me to find my way, I am sure. But I'll start to think about what I want to do on a consciuos level too. Maybe I'll write that book that has been inside of me all my life.

 
matilda36: (Default)
I have been sleeping a lot these days. in part to recover from my tiredness, in part because of my depression: if i sleep, i don't think.

So i go to bed at 6pm, i am up at 6am to chat with my spiritual brother, back to bed at 8am, where i lay in bed till 10. I say lay in bed because I rarely sleep., i lay in bed thinking and thinking is bad for me.

My thoughts keep spinning and spinning giving me a vertigo of anxiety. One of my worries is something that will not happen till next year and yet keeps spinning like the other plates. work is the biggest plate. Will i keep having a job? Will I find a new, better job? How long I will survive in this job without crashing and burning? Images of my workplace keep flashing in front of my eyes and the same events, the same thoughts bite at my ankles.

But I have to say that these few days off are helping a bit. Just a bit, but a bit. The fact is that I cannot claim sick days because I barely manage to survive with the money I have, with the money I would get of sick pay I could barely pay rent.

I have to say that my manager is very understanding. Or she wouldn't have given me these 4 days. Or maybe my unease has become that visible?

I don't know. I only know that I have today and tomorrow to rest, to read and to sleep, because my night sleep is good and healthy.

Fragile me

Jan. 28th, 2014 01:46 pm
matilda36: (Default)
 I am feeling really unwell. My mental health is bad. Last night I nearly had a panic attack at work (Due in part that going to bed at 6 in the evenings the week before I was needing my meds for my balance). I managed to hold on knowing that now I am off till saturday. 4 days that I desperately need. The advantages of working part time and that your boss doesn't pay you overtime, but offers you compensation.

Today I am rereading one of my favourite stories Ties that Bind by Keira Marcos. Her grammar is nearly worse than mine, but she writes the kind of outrageous, over the top, kinky stories that I need.

I don't know if to put the radio on, silence is a blessing at the moment. I know I have to react, but not reacting is the solution for today. Tomorrow we'll see. This morning I had the heart beating hard. Now it's not, but I am shaking a bit and I know that I can cry any moment. Maybe crying would do me good. But in reality I feel so fragile that crying would break me. Yeah that's how I feel: fragile, ready to break.  I know 4 days will be just a patch up job, that I really need a new job (I applied for a job for which I have the qualifications, including being disable, we'll see) or a good sized period of not worrying about money not work. Or maybe not. 4 days alone are good, more are dangerous. I need people's company. I like being around people in my job (even if they are not always the right kind of people).

Only not now, because I am fragile and I need not worry about money, not to worry about wok, just read over the top kinky stories and tell myself some nice stories tonight, when I'll go to bed. Probably another early niight, unless I feel I'll end up obssessing.

I don't need obsessing, I need to take care of fragile me. I am without chocolate around, by choice. I have been binging recently and loosing weight is one of the things that keeps me cheerful. I have bananas instead. And decaf. I think I'll need lots of milky decaf in the next few days.

I need to take care of myself.

 
matilda36: (candles)
In the end I got the Christmas bouns. And 4 days off for Christmas, including Christmas eve, Christmas day and Boxing day. I am back to work on friday.

Sunday I was very serene, yesterday too, but this morning I woke up a bit cranky. So now I am watching hockey and trying to think deep thoughts for Christmas.

Christmas is always been there for me. I looked forwards to it more some years then others. When i was a child I usually had good Christmasses. When I was a teenager I had the shadow of my mother's drinking on me. Then when i was groing up... to be I forgot.

I forgot most of my Christmasses. I remember going for a walk around midnght with my parents to give time to Father Chritmes (my grandmother) to bring the present. I remember the peace of the streets and the joy of being there with both my parents.

I remember my father coming to visit me in London and us cooking a mishmash of Italian and English food.

And I remember the most recent Christmasses, my father and I here in peace, eating and listening to Carols on the radio. Going to the pictures on Christmas day (This year and the last is the Hobbit) and (That's a more recent tradition) The Carol Concert on Boxing day.

The rest is a blur. I remeber most of my past in chunks coming up clear one day and foggy the other. I have entire years that I have forgotten, in particular the first year back in Italy, when I was so bad that I deleted everything. Or most of it.

I am not sure if it's my illness or just getting old. 

In the meantime I wish you all a wonderful Christmas surrounded by love and peace.

 

Update

Oct. 7th, 2013 04:03 pm
matilda36: (Default)
 I have been back to work nearly a week and it's a mixed bag. The first day I reached the end of the day very, very tired. And still carriees on as a trend. This morning I walked to work because I didn't want the hassle with parking and I reached work that i could barely stand.

Yesterday I was late in taking risperdal and I lost my patience with a customer. I wasn't wrong, but I don't like loosing my patience. It's one of the reasons why I am happy to be on meds. They keep me calm.

I need to retrieve some strenght. And I need to sleep properly. Last week I slept well the morning after I worked, but bad the night itself.I am tired today so I hope to sleep well tonight. I am working three mornings this week. I prefer mornings so I can relax before bed. 


But I really need to recover some strenght. Exercise, cleaning,anything. And to stop eating so much pasta. It's the season for the soups, like the delicious (although ready made) one I am enjoying now.
matilda36: (Default)
 It's now nearly a week in my enforced holiday and I am not sure it's working. I mostly manage not to think about work and I am balanced enough not to be scared at the idea of going, but I am not sleeping all that I wanted. th meds were supposed to make me drowsy but I am perfectly lucid. Maybe a little less obsssessive, only at night when I try to sleep and I think about M, one of my customers and a right bastard that apparently doesn't like me (and here arrives paranoia).

and here i am writing about things that make me anxious. i wanted this week to be a week of blissful oblivion, but this has not been. Luckily I have hockey and Nightvale to keep me company oh and fanfic, but that's normal. I wanted to sleep and instead I had a boring, normal week, just without work.

The thing is how do I get out of this hole that is getting deeper and deeper?
matilda36: (Default)
I am finally on sick leave. And I will not have to think about work for a week. Work was good this morning.Finally the number of tickets emitted is reaching the right amount. and I didn't have to do anything other than emit tickets.

I know that I'll have to work saturday and sunday mornings again, but not in for next week. Tomorrow I'll sleep all morning also because I had the afternoon to relax chatting with [personal profile] cleo69 about limitations. Both my manager and my doctor mentioned the fact that I have limitations due to my condition.

She talked me about how i can work around my limitations, but it still stings. Also because i am worried that people at work will start treating me differently, like weak and stupid. I am a lot of things, included drugged to the gills, but definitely not stupid.

But those thoughts are for after next week. This week all i have to do is to let drugs work.

Sick leave

Sep. 19th, 2013 11:53 am
matilda36: (Default)
 I went to see my doctor yesterday and the first thing he did after I told him the symptoms was to order me some sick leave. He wanted me to start today, but I managed to persuade him to let me start sunday so I am not leaving work in the lurch. I am leaving them a bit in the lurchall the same, but at least there's no Champions next week, so it should be quieter.

He told me also what I have always thought: that i am different from other people so I have to take more care of myself and that means sometimes doing less than other people. It has been a bit of a blow hearing it from him, but it makes me feel less guilty about my...fragility? No not fragilty I'd rather say letargy.

Speaking of letargy, he raised my dosage of Risperidone and warned me that he could make me letargic, but last night I spent all night tossing and turning. This morning it was slightly better, but just. I think it's all about work, my anxiety in explaining to my manager the situation and 3 more days of work, of which 2 are afternoons. And I never sleep well when I work afternoon, like today. No time to wind down like I usually do. Oh well I'll finish Harry Potter.
matilda36: (Default)
 I am more and more worried about my mental health. On sunday morning only having a friend stopped me from crying before going to work. Yesterday something happened. Suddenly I didn't giv a a darn about work anymore. I worked, and I'll still work, and I know I'll feel bad,(already yesterday I had a bit of paranoia), but I am detached.It's like my last days at Ofsted: a mess of too many emotions and don't give a darn.

To be able to recover, or at least try it, I'll need at least 2 weeks off, but I am not sure it would help. I really need to talk to my doctor tomorrow, to see if we can tweak my medication (I am even willing to try depakin again) to help.

Knowing where I am and what's coming should help, but my illness is an unability to control emotions so It's gonna be fun. For sure if I manage to survive this period it will help my self esteem a lot. It would mean that I am able to do and to be and to control at least in part this illness.

Today I am home I slept till 1pm and I plan on an early night. Tomorrow I have a long day in front of me and I want to enjoy my sleep while I can.
matilda36: (i am done pretending)
 My attempt of writing more is already gone, overtaken by too much work and a too short holiday in which I apparently didn't do anything else than sleep and read. My home is still chaos (My father told me off on friday when he did pop up to see me)and I am back at work, working maybe not a lot of hours, but everyday. This morning I worked 9 to 13, tomorrow I work 15 to 20.... that kind of annoying shifts. But Still there are not 40 hours a week, those hours that I don't know I would be able to work. I still don't know what really are my limits, how much I can do before my stress levels bring me down. This summer I just lowered the lamictal and it was chaos inside my mind. It's often chaos inside my mind. That's why I sleep and read, read and sleep.
matilda36: (Default)
 Yesterday I was talking with [personal profile] cleo69 about my meaning of life search and she said that the secret is self love. Love thyself and you don't need anything else.

Loving myself has always been a problem for me. I was chubby and with a "weird" family, I had a tendency to wander in my own world because the one I had wasn't all that fantastic.

My father was never home, my mother was a drunk (and an angry spiteful drunk that took it out on the person closest to her, i.e. me) and I was in the middle.

Add to this a blossoming bipolar and you have not  the most stable and nurturing environment.

The fact is that 20/30 years after that I am not yet over my childhood. I keep dreaming my mother, busy taking away my father's love from me and hating me. Even in the dream I can feel the hatred.

I spent 3 years of my life trying to make peace with her and I thought I had , but I haven't. For every step towards self love there is a step back in my terrified immobility, the immobility she condemned me to. She and this shitty illness. Since I found out I am bipolar, things have been worse. I am so afraid of making the wrong choice, to scare people, to behave in the wrong way. Yesterday I was calm at work, but only because I have been thinking about this hypomaniacal episode and tried to focus on myself. That meant to go back to my immobility, but I feel positive, as if this is a moment that I need.
matilda36: (Default)
 I am feeling better. Work is always shit and I had a moment of parking panic this morning (I shouldn't have worried, everybody who could has already gone on holiday or will go in the next two days), but I managed my weekly shopping (the grand total of 11,95 euros of it) and went for a nice walk.

I should feel guilty about going by car, but a)I needed to buy water, and 12 water bottles are a bit heavy, and b) I am going back to work tonight for a special night opening.

I have been told that  the next couple of weeks are going to be busy for me, but I always expect that in august (normal people go on holiday in august, not like me, who never go on holiday). Probably I'll take a week in september. Otherwise I'll end up having to ask for sick leave. Yeah , the symptoms are muted, but still there.

Tomorrow I am skyping with my boss at the book website I work with. I feel quite cool videoconferencing. It's the kind of me the other me, the cool editor would do.

Today one of our customers told me that I am a good looking woman, but I need to take more care if myself. He's right, I know and dieting is something that I am doing in that direction, but I never loved the way I look. That's why I hide under the weight.

On other news I have decided to look for the meaning of life. Or at least for the meaning of my life. I need a solid foundation on which to build my future and a reason to live is good. Something more than "my father would be heartbroken if I were to die".
matilda36: (Default)
 I am terrified. Terrified of loosing my job, terrified by the loss of civil rights for gays in Russia, terrified that they will not arrest Berlusconi, terrified that they'll arrest Berlusconi, terrified about my rent, terrified that my next paycheck will not enter, terrified about everything.

I am grateful that I have 3 days off work, that I can spend relaxing (Ah! Relaxing as if it was a possibility), butI am terrified of going back to work. Images of the disaster that the last two weeks have been keep flashing behind my eyelids.making me even more terrified.

Last night I went to bed at 7 to try to break the mold.The question is: Do I keep hangiong on my current job, with the attached manic episode (I have already started shouting at people, including my 82 year old neighbout) or I let go and start working on my dream: working as  translator,copyeditor, editor and blogger. Will my new job allow me .the same free time that my current one allows me? When I do something I like usually I need less rest and the alternative would be working in an office. Or cleaning staircases, if I can find the job.

What scares me most is how agitated I am becoming at work. It reminds me of my last days in London.I don't want that. I don't want people to hate me to be  scared of me, just because I am afraid of loosing a job. That I liked. Now I don't know if I like it anymore.

What matters is that I avoid a bad manic episode. I am on that way. In the meantime I'll bring the lamictal back up to 300 and I'll try to use techniques that relax me. Like reading, but I am gonna try getting out of tthe house too. I can do with a MacD. Maybe today or tomorrow. Or just go for a walk, like I used to do in London. And chat and talk with people.

Do you know what the secret can be? To focus on my wellbeing. Remember I am ill and I need to take care of me. If he fires me I have 9 months of unemployment benefits to find a job, and I have my dad to lean on.and he to lean on me. We are together in this. It's good. 

Health first.

matilda36: (Default)
 Last night I worked till midnight and this morning I was out of the house by 7:50 to go to the post office and to have my pap test done. It has been a long, hot morning.also because I was so worried about smelling when I got to see  the doctor. I had walked a lot by then and I was sweaty.

I am afraid that this pap test will discover something. Because yes I am changing the way I eat and I am eating less, but I am still eating a lot of the things I enjoy. Las night I had icecream. I felt full afterwards, but I ate it.  So I am not sure how natural is it to loose the weight I am loosing.. We'll see what comes back. Probably I don't feel hungry because I am used to eating less food now and I get full more easily.

Work is slow, very slow and the boss is making some stupid decisions, so I don't know how long this work will last. But I am ok with it. My career as blogger seems to finally be starting and I am getting again in the mood for writing. I subscribe to two brilliant blogs on tumble [tumblr.com profile] fuckyeahcharacterdevelopment and [tumblr.com profile] writewords that are inspiring me to write. I had lost even my blogging muse, but now that I am getting posted I am back to be enthisiastic (A lot will depend on if I get comments and what kind of comments I get). But whatever happens it will be an incentive to write better.

I have also started applying for jobs. It's a slow and harduous process, with a lot of rejections, but one I have to do. I will ask my doctor what he thinks about creating a site for bipolars to meet, without doctors involved, or involved very little (example: when somebody shares suicidal thoughts). It could be a good thing to do. I could do with a place where I don't feel manipulated by the system. I know that I am doing my share of manipulating (obtaining disable status has been useful when  I had to get a job), but the system has me feeling down because I am disabled.

My house is a bombsite, and I am absolutely not in the mood to tidy up. I will if I know I'll get visitors, but in the meantime I'll just enjoy it being a bombsite and spend my time reading. I have finished the Sid/Geno fics, I'll start with the Kane/Tazer ones. And Kryptaria and Bootsand blossoms have a new 00Q fic that I am waiting they finish to publish to read. Oh and scifigirl47 has one Avengers fic out too. So I have plenty to read. 

I like this post full of things to look forward to.


Still sad

Jun. 28th, 2013 03:00 pm
matilda36: (Default)
 I think the bad weather is not helping. Yesterday work was ok. Then I got home chatted a bit and went to bed. This morning I got up to chat with my beloved [livejournal.com profile] chef_hector and we discussed his employment options. I hate US healthcare system. How do you ahve to choose between pay or benefits.

Here I can complain about a lot of things, but I have a solid healthcare system behind me. An healthcare system that is not helping me to be less sad. I didn't had bad dreams this morning, weird but not sad. I got up read a bit (I am still into  hockey at the moment. I dunno why because I haven't seen a single hockey match in my life, but I blame [livejournal.com profile] saxyhighlandchick ), watched a documentary about Andy Murray (I am not interested in tennis either) and now I am settling in to watch So you think you can dance. I love this show.

What will I do after? Read a bit more, chat if somebody comes online.... try to get out of my head.

Sad

Jun. 27th, 2013 10:57 am
matilda36: (Default)
 I am sad. I dunno why. Or better I do know why. I am tired. Sunday work and tortellata, Monday with my auntie, Tuesday with my neighbour and Wednesday work. Today I work, luckily in the afternoon, so this morning I have been able to take a nap.

Maybe it's the nap that made me sad. I didn't wake up from a nice dream. I dreamt that some of my colleagues were making Risperdal pills for the boss'wife and that he forced us to take some, only for me to remember that I was already taking Risperdal and that I was in danger of an overdose.

I love Risperdal. I love Lamictal too, but the one who has really changed my life is Risperdal. It's the one that controls my maniac episodes. That's why I probably should hate Risperdal. Because it's the one that makes me boring, bored and never smile. The one that makes me a zombie. Next time I see my doctor we are going to try to lower Lamictal's levels, but if everything works I am gonna ask to lower Risperdal's dosage as well.

I need energy and I don't have any. I have to stop being afraid of a Manic episode. You can be happy without being manic. You can be able to do things without being manic. I need to be able to do. Desperately.
matilda36: (i am done pretending)
I was reading an article this morning written by a bipolar woman. In it she says that the doctors are so busy making us feel "normal" that they forget that we have our own self.

Since I have been diagnosed my life has revolved around my pills, around those alarms set up on my phone that tell me it's time for my drugs.

Don't get me wrong, I am immensely grateful for medication and I don't plan on stopping it, but it has deprivated me of my self a bit.

Of my creativity,  of my will of doing. Today I am glad it's not too warm so I don't have to water my plants. All 5 of them. I already know that I will make my bed and then spend the afternoon reading, closing my day with another early night.

I am already worried that between work and other things I will not be able to take my morning nap for at least 4 days. That's more of a staying still under the covers trying not to think of bad things, than a proper nap. Nowadays I am even unable to tell myself stories.

Everything is an effort. I have tons of unopened mail. Why clean the house? I cleaned it two weeks ago. I go to work and nowadays I am happy to have only two shifts a week even if boredom creeps in. Luckily I know that this summer I'll be busy and I hope that working will help me out of this apathy.

But it's not an apathy, it's just that I am missing my self. I am missing the person who worked 5 days a week without problems and was enthusiastic about her job. I miss the woman who cleaned her house every week and still had time to go central London to visit museums and do some shopping. I miss the woman who was able to lead convoluted discussions on everything.

Nowadays I sit at my till, not smiling, listening to what my colleagues say. But I am not part of it. 

I lost my sparkle, the thing that made me interesting, that made me happy.

Is that due to medication? Is that due to my fear of a manic episode?. Not even antidepressants work for me. They make me nervous and that's it. It's up to me to recover my soul


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