matilda36: (i am done pretending)
Four quite depressing days. I basically spent friday depressed in bed, saturday and sunday at work (happy to be back with people around, but going home meant going to bed for me.)

Today I had the most boring day at work (They gave me 3 hours to do a job that usually takes me an hour and an half), but I spoke with my manager and I was encouraged into looking for a job more appropriate for my qualifications.

What my qualifications are, I am not sure, but I know I am smart, very smart, even with all these meds in me and it's time to be snob and smart. Nobody can put me down. Nobody. can make me feel small.

Not even I
matilda36: (Default)
And the holidays are over. Today I took down all the decorations for another year. I had a good time, but I am glad they are over. Too much time that I could spend doing things and implementing change taken over.

I plan big changes with the new year. Too many to list and I plan on keeping them secret, but the biggest one is to try to change jobs. Not the easiest thin g to do in this climate, but I plan on being creative. How I am not sure, but that's the plan.

Oh by the way, Happy New Year to everybody.
matilda36: (Default)

I spent my day off sleeping (badly) and reading (with an headache) till I decided to pick up the phone and tell my dad that I am moving with him, official.

I gave myself as a target the beginning of summer, but it may be even earlier if I can find a job. My dad is asking around and he knows a lot of people...

Anyway after talking to him I felt much better and I slept all night like a baby. And I slept again this morning.

On the afternoon I left early because I knew parking was gonna be difficult (Yeah parking is still one of my obsessions) so I had the time for a nice walk before going to work. It helped me improve my mood so when I got to work I way serene enough.

I got the news that next week they are trying again to have me recuperate some of my overtime, so I should be home monday, tuesday and wednesday and friday, barring emergencies. I hope no. I have things to do, sleep to sleep and a move to plot.

matilda36: (Default)
Ysterday there was another emergency at work, and I ended up with more overtime, today. I was cranky and whiny. Went to bed early, tired but unable to sleep because of the thoughts flying in my mind. I made up my mind. Next summer at the latest I am moving in with my father. The fact that I am always too tired and I don't want to go to work means that my days on this job are numered before I blow up. So I'd better get moving. I am not sure how it will work, but I know thatit will.

But they have started. Dreams, panic attacks, binges, likely some psycosomatic pain.... all the companions of great changes.

Everytime I speak about my weight or my diet, anxiety captures me and I end up bingeing, like I do when I am tired. For lunch I have already planned a nice pasts, necessary to face another day at work.

Yes I am a mess. I am a completely out of control mess. Irritable, panicky, full of shit. I have to find not pharmacologic ways of living well.. Time to break out  the self help books.

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matilda36

October 2014

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