Update

Apr. 8th, 2014 11:17 am
matilda36: (Default)
 Had a week off, I was bored at the end, even if I went to see my auntie (new haircut babe, short and without that horrible shade of orange my hair had become. Now it's my natural grey. A very nice shade of grey) and I had a visit from my father. I hadn't seen him in months, so it was a real pleasure.

Yesterday my well being in being back lasted just the time to get through the door. My colleagues are all in such a funk that depresses you terribly. But I am off till friday so I am happy. This time I am not spending time in front of the PC, I want to go for a walk and maybe clean the house.I say maybe because cleaning the house is one of those things that seems to elude me. Every time I get distracted by a new story. (or an old one, I am not picky)

This morning I went shopping with my neighbour, who, for lack of alternatives, thinks is in love with me, just because I am kind to him. I confess I am willing to accept his money.(although not for sex, I am not that desperate) Especially because the radiator of my car may (and I keep my fingers crossed at the may) be leaking. This morning it was dry under the car and the water temperature indicator was healthy, so, I'll hope for the  best.

Prayer has been very kind to me recently. I am trying to be kind to everybody around me and trying to see if I can find ways to help others (possibly without them falling in love with me.

In other news, I keep loosing weight.. I'll become a real babe and maybe attract a decent kind of men, not the ones who just want to see my boobs.



 
matilda36: (don't wake me up)
Yesterday I lied to have less problems parking today. That created me more problems because I cannot go to the bank or to buy bananas and it feels weird for a monday to wait till 1:30 to go to work and to eat at home.

Lesson: lieing is not good. 

Yesterday at work I wasn't cheerful, but I wasn't dark either, I think I reached the conclusion that I am not a social person and that helped me relax.

Conclusion confirmed by friday night. It wasn't a disaster, just... leaving aside the fat that I looked horrible (hair and fundation my weakest spots), I had ptoblems striking a conversation.  Maybe I am not used to it, maybe I am just crap at it.

So I decided that I want to work from home. That's a problem because the majority of works from home are freelance and I can't take the stress of freelance. I am a bit whiny today, ain't I?

I am perfectly relaxed about the idea of going to work. And I'll have a nice walk going for rent and bananas tomorow morning. I had a nice nap this morning  Tip: Going to bed early has it's advantages, but it's not helpful if you want to nap in the morning.So, or I go to bed early and I don't have a nap in the morning, or I go to bed at an hour fit for an homan (Like 9:30) and nap in the morning.

Tonight I know which one it will be, a "late" night. but I don't care. Yeah I am in a not caring mood, I think.
matilda36: (don't wake me up)
 To keep up positivity is hard, especially when you are used to be negative and you are at peace only when you are alone and the world cannot touch you., As soon as you have to go out in the world, the world catches up with you.

I am happy and balanced only when I am alone. as I am discovering it these last few weeks, where I work sat, sun, mon and I am free the other days. Days that I spend blissfully alone. When I can write optimistic posts.

Knowing that I am going to work this afternoon has me anxious. The first question is:"will I find a parking spot?". Then there's "Will we be busy?" and then there's "Will my till check out or will I miss money at the end of the day?". All these questions take away my breath. 

The only thing I can answer is: "It will be as God wants it to be". This helps me a bit, till the anxiety starts to rise again.

With anxiety come sadness and negativity. I am not able to smile.

Let's try an exercise: Smile at least for today. Accept reality and fight to improve things where you can, like in being a better cashier and being more careful with money. As for parking...that's really in the hands of the Lord
matilda36: (don't wake me up)
 I tamed the joy of saving money by getting a ticket wrong and missing 100 euros at work (Dangers of the job), but I am still on target and I have now my Insurance in my hands.

Today I applied for a job where they require a disable person with buyer experience. It would be a dream. We'll see.

As for the rest, last night I didn't sleep well at all. The fact that I have basically all this week morning shifts except for tomorrow and thursday is pissing me off a bit. Not for the loss of my naps, but for the... I dunno how to define it. I was expecing to work 3 days this week and now I find myself working 5. I know that makes me a bit apprehensive about working a full working day, but if I have to do a job I like I am sure I can work normal hours.

Tonight I hope to sleep better. It will be a lovely early night, I have a story to tell myself and I know I shuldn't have to work for the next two days. Time to wash my hair and make minestrone from scratch.

 
matilda36: (Default)
 I JUST MANAGED TO SAVE 600 EUROS PER YEAR ON MY CAR INSURANCE. i CAN NOW BREATHE AGAIN.

Car insurance was one of my biggest concerns as things to pay during the year. Now i got a new cheaper one and I am so happy that I did something I never do, that's shouting on the internet.

For the rest... I am off for the next two days bitches and this means breathing space for my obssessions. I think that tonight I will not be able to sleep by thinking of my car insurance.

I may even do some cleaning. But in the meantime I will bask in the glow of my saved money and read a bit. 

 

Anxious

Nov. 29th, 2013 11:00 am
matilda36: (don't wake me up)
 So the new neighbouring agency has open. Up till now we have lost a bit of business, but less than I thought. The weekend will tell us a lot. The whole thing create anxiety in me.

Luckily I am managing to sleep (except for tuesday night, but that was bad) .You know my job depends from these things as well. And without a job.... I am in deep shit.

Last night I dreamt that my mother was telling me to clean the house. I think I'll start doing it tomorrow. I am home.

As for today I have the lunchtime shift from 1pm to 8pm. It makes me nervous because of parking issues. Yeah parking is still one of my things. One that creates anxiety in me.

So in short. I am anxious. Not at danger level, my meds helps me, but I am anxious. And I so need tomorrow off. Really really need it.


 
matilda36: (Default)
 I am feeling better. Work is always shit and I had a moment of parking panic this morning (I shouldn't have worried, everybody who could has already gone on holiday or will go in the next two days), but I managed my weekly shopping (the grand total of 11,95 euros of it) and went for a nice walk.

I should feel guilty about going by car, but a)I needed to buy water, and 12 water bottles are a bit heavy, and b) I am going back to work tonight for a special night opening.

I have been told that  the next couple of weeks are going to be busy for me, but I always expect that in august (normal people go on holiday in august, not like me, who never go on holiday). Probably I'll take a week in september. Otherwise I'll end up having to ask for sick leave. Yeah , the symptoms are muted, but still there.

Tomorrow I am skyping with my boss at the book website I work with. I feel quite cool videoconferencing. It's the kind of me the other me, the cool editor would do.

Today one of our customers told me that I am a good looking woman, but I need to take more care if myself. He's right, I know and dieting is something that I am doing in that direction, but I never loved the way I look. That's why I hide under the weight.

On other news I have decided to look for the meaning of life. Or at least for the meaning of my life. I need a solid foundation on which to build my future and a reason to live is good. Something more than "my father would be heartbroken if I were to die".
matilda36: (Default)
 My parking woes are over (at least for this week). I decided to take it as an adventure, got excited about it and found a parking space straight away.

All in all I had a good weekend, I got feedback about my blog entry and it was good, they are posting it. Even if nothing comes out of it, I started something new, something different, something that I really want to do.

Reread [personal profile] poisontaster  A Kept boy this weekend. It's still a great story and it has kept me company and made me feel smart.

Sometimes I need crappy Harry Potter fic to entertain me, and sometimes I need to get through some smart favourites to feel smart and posh.

At the moment I am going through some old J2 favourites. Maybe not posh and smart but good fun.

Oh and I made a gallon of minestrone. I know what I am gonna eat for the rest of the week.

Except for tomorrow. Tomorrow is my auntie's homemade lasagne. Yummy.


matilda36: (Default)
 My first blog entry is written and betaed, ready to be sent out. I have already started thinking about the second, dedicated to the concept of Beta. I love being a beta and that's why I am so passionate about the subject. I think it may come out a very nice blog entry.

On other news, the house is still organised, not clean but organised. I even took out the recycling.

It's raining. We had a couple of wonderful days of sun and now it's raning. A lot and it's gonna keep raining all week. This makes my parking worries for Friday even worse. I have to be at work by 1pm, one of the worse times to find a parking space. I have two options. First I park in the hour parking spaceand wait till the parking lot clear up a little or I leave early and look for a parking space.. I think I'll go for the second, keeping the first as second option. The ridiculous thing is that I am here, two days early worrying about parking lots. I could relax and read or clean the house or take a nap, but I am here thinking about parking. I am even considering lieing and asking to come in an hour later, when i know I can find parking space. But it would create problems to my colleagues so it wouldn't be fair.

What I am gonna do is to stop thinking about it. I have made up my mind, even planned a little shopping (I need toilet paper and coffee) so there's no need to panic about it.

I have one day and an half free, let's read and plan blog entries.

Snow day

Feb. 23rd, 2013 04:29 pm
matilda36: (Default)
My parking adventures this morning went good. Found good parking space, had my cappuccino and croissant (but no paper to read, they were all taken) and then went for a walk in the centre of the town.

I love the centres of Italian small cities, they are the heart of the community. Shame that the local autorities seem to be doing everything possible to kill that spirit. The high cost of parking, the difficulty in finding a parking space (yeah it's all down to parking with me)are killing the local businesses and favoring instead the malls that are growing like mushrooms all over the place. No problems with parking at malls.

This morning I went to Mercato Albinelli, the oldest covered market in the city (80 years old). They sell mostly food, from fresh fruit and veg to rare brews, but I headed straight for one of my favourite spots: a stall that sells vegetarian food, mostly ready meals. (Did I tell you that I have become mostly vegetarian nowadays? That probably requires a blog post of its own). I got some ready to make minestrone because my dad was coming today and he loves minestrone.

Then it was time to go to work. I was happy today, we worked a lot, I had a decent haul in my till. Till it started snowing.


Now. They said that this weekend was the last snow of winter, and that it was gonna be serious snow. It has been better than the forecast, but it has snowed. Now, since Wednesday I have been trying to talk my day in passing the storm here with me, but he, stubborn like me, has decided instead of travelling all over the place and join me only today and tomorrow because we have to go and vote. (and that's another blog entry in the making.)


This afternoon was supposed to be the worst of the weather, and I had been worried since yesterday about him driving in the snow. I know that he has a lot of experience driving in all weather conditions but he's not a young man anymore and he's the only person I got, so when I know he travels I worry. (He does a lot of travelling that I have no idea about, but if I don't know about it, I don't worry about it)

Anyway when it started snowing towards the end of my shift I started to panic and readied myself to a long afternoon of waiting, only for my father to call me just while I was leaving work and to tell me he was home waiting for me.

So now, both my father and I have showered, the minestrone is made and ready for the rice to be added tonight, and we are both at our computers gaming and writing and pretty soon reading.

Just what I need on a snow day.

Parking!

Feb. 22nd, 2013 04:22 pm
matilda36: (Blanket)
As you may remember, one of my obsessions, when I started driving again, was to find parking space at my workplace. It's not easy to find places, so I tend to always leave early to be sure I find a place. 

Maybe a bit too much early.

For example this morning was snowing, and this added to my paranoia so I left home at 7:30 to be at work at 9. It takes me 10 minutes to get to work. It was very early so I found a perfect place, got myself a cappucino and a croissant, then spent half an hour in my car reading the paper and waiting for my colleague to arrive.

Tomorrow I start at 10, but it's probably gonna snow and this adds to my anxiety. On the other side it's saturday so it's slightly easier to find a parking space. 

But all the same I know  I'll leave at 7:45, find an hopefully decent parking space, have my cappuccino and see if it snows I'll be in my car reading. If it doesn't snow I'll go for a walk. 

Anyway, I'll spend nearly 2 hours in the cold  waiting to go to work.

All because I am obsessed with parking spaces. I really need to get a life.
matilda36: (Default)
 This morning, a colleague who is working for start up website about books, asked me to be a contributor. My reply was Hell Yeah. Because that's what I'd love to you. Writing about books, doing reviews and creative writing work. It's a small step, but one in the righjt direction. Maybe I need to dust up my goodreads subscription and dust up my essay writing skills.

Maybe I can try even here on my blog. I know that I use this mostly to moan about my personal feelings, my medications and the boredom that are my days, but I need to write more, if I want to make writing my job.

I have lost my style. I used to have a fluid style of writing, with a nice flow, now It's all: I worked two days this week, I am bored, I am going to work early tomorrow because it's snowing and I need to find parking. and other brilliant thoughts. 

I need to find again my writing mojo. 
matilda36: (Default)

I spent my day off sleeping (badly) and reading (with an headache) till I decided to pick up the phone and tell my dad that I am moving with him, official.

I gave myself as a target the beginning of summer, but it may be even earlier if I can find a job. My dad is asking around and he knows a lot of people...

Anyway after talking to him I felt much better and I slept all night like a baby. And I slept again this morning.

On the afternoon I left early because I knew parking was gonna be difficult (Yeah parking is still one of my obsessions) so I had the time for a nice walk before going to work. It helped me improve my mood so when I got to work I way serene enough.

I got the news that next week they are trying again to have me recuperate some of my overtime, so I should be home monday, tuesday and wednesday and friday, barring emergencies. I hope no. I have things to do, sleep to sleep and a move to plot.

Snow!

Feb. 11th, 2012 08:08 am
matilda36: (Default)
Wednesday I was told off by my doctor for my lazyness. He's right I need to be more active, proactive and get on a diet.

On Thursday I completely wasted my day: slept most of it and read the rest.

Yesterday it was a bit better.

Today I am all excited because I have to drive in the snow. Yeah I am weird.
matilda36: (Default)
Long, long week. I spent most of my time working and getting all the paperwork settled for my new car.

I am in love with her. She is silent, quick and easy to drive. She is reliable. She even tells me when she's getting empty with 100km left, so I can keep her fed. Today we tried her on the Highway and she's fast. The only problem is that I had to keep reminding my dad to switch gears, otherwise he would be going over 100 in third gear because she's so silent.

Work has been ok. I had a bad day yesterday because I was having problems focusing. It turns out that not only I am lightweight for caffeine, but that I need to be careful with sugar too.

Since Christmas I haven't had any cravings for sugar. I eat too much, but not really sweets. The most I do is to put sugar in my hot drinks and the occasional Fanta. On Friday I walked to the city center (It's an half an hour walk, and after I realised how badly out of shape I am, I have decided to slowly get back to fitness) where the Anual Chocolate Fair was taking place.

They had plenty of great stuff. I got some alcoholic trouffles that I took to work and managed to feed to my coworkers, with my great amusement. Theyhad also cupcakes (Yum Cupcakes)

Anyway, in between the tastings and my acquisitions I worked myself into a two days straight sugar high. This means no sugar for me, or at least very careful dosages. because otherwise I loose my lucidity. And I have a tenuous grip on it already.

Anyway. Today no work. My dad and I went to Mantova, a beautiful city an hour drive. No mountain becuase the weather forecast wasn't good, but we filled our eyes with some amazing renaissance art and that was enough

Tomorrow housecleaning and relaxing. Last week I managed lots of porn and the latest Harry Potter. My least favourite one. Too much time spent angsting in forests.

And If I am good, I may even get around to writing that post on normalcy I have been planning all week..

Good news!

Feb. 1st, 2011 12:22 pm
matilda36: (Meredith wedding)

My lease has been approved: On Friday I am going to pick up my new car:
 
YYYYYYYYAAAAAYYYYY!!!!!
matilda36: (Default)
So, by next week I should be the proud owner of a brand new Panda GPL. (I found out this morning that petrol cars cost less than GPL and methane ones, because they are too expensive to fuel. Yeah, they are faster but is a little speed worth damaging the environment and your wallet?)

I say I should because I still need approval for my loan and I don't want to jinks it. I dreamt of a new car for so long. It would be my first brand new car. Up till now I just had used or handed down cars. This is so... sparkly.

I already meet my car. It's a very pale blue, small and cuddly. Just like a Panda.

In the meantime, I had to rent one because my Ellie is... too tired to take me to work. Last night we got home and the hood was litterally smoking. I don't want to spend my days worrying if my car is going to take me to work.

So please, please, please. Keep your fingers crossed for me that everything goes smoothly.
matilda36: (candles)
Right it appears that my sense of foreboding was quite off the mark...

Good News Number 1: I was told that not only they want to renew my contract, but that they are so happy with me that they want to keep me for as long as I want (I can see myself working there till retirement).

Good News Number 2: I spoke with my dad. I told him that I have found the car that I want and what each installment is gonna be and he told me that it sounds good to him and that he's gonna buy it for me, probably as early as next week (I love my Ellie, but she's tired and I'd love to go to work and come home without being worried if my car will carry me).

So. I give thanks for the job and I keep my fingers crossed for the car. I know it's not that important a thing, but I depend on my car to go to work so if you could keep your fingers crossed for me it would be good.

Thanks
matilda36: (i am done pretending)
Strange week this one. I had a good Monday (went to the fair and then to work, got home tired but ok), a so so Tuesday (took the car to the shop, (yes once again) went to lunch with a friend), a weird Wednesday (spent it at home hiding and reading Harry Potter/Supernatural crossovers, they appear to be eating my brain at the moment) and an ok Thursday (got the car back, went to work).

The thing is... I was uneasy all week. I have this weird feeling that something bad is going to happen and I don't know how to shake it off. I am holding my breath in fear.
matilda36: (Default)
I am having the most boring vacation there. In beed sleeping, or in front of the PC reading and watching shows and films.

It's exactly what I needed. I am starting to feel regenerated. I am actually looking forward to going back to work, and I have plans to go to the fair on Monday.

I am going to pick up my car from the shop tomorrow. The prognosis is bad, but there's still hope for my Ellie (Yeah I named my car. Ellie is short for Elephant, because it's not a very small car.). We'll see how it drives  next week.
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