I am grateful that I have 3 days off work, that I can spend relaxing (Ah! Relaxing as if it was a possibility), butI am terrified of going back to work. Images of the disaster that the last two weeks have been keep flashing behind my eyelids.making me even more terrified.
Last night I went to bed at 7 to try to break the mold.The question is: Do I keep hangiong on my current job, with the attached manic episode (I have already started shouting at people, including my 82 year old neighbout) or I let go and start working on my dream: working as translator,copyeditor, editor and blogger. Will my new job allow me .the same free time that my current one allows me? When I do something I like usually I need less rest and the alternative would be working in an office. Or cleaning staircases, if I can find the job.
What scares me most is how agitated I am becoming at work. It reminds me of my last days in London.I don't want that. I don't want people to hate me to be scared of me, just because I am afraid of loosing a job. That I liked. Now I don't know if I like it anymore.
What matters is that I avoid a bad manic episode. I am on that way. In the meantime I'll bring the lamictal back up to 300 and I'll try to use techniques that relax me. Like reading, but I am gonna try getting out of tthe house too. I can do with a MacD. Maybe today or tomorrow. Or just go for a walk, like I used to do in London. And chat and talk with people.
Do you know what the secret can be? To focus on my wellbeing. Remember I am ill and I need to take care of me. If he fires me I have 9 months of unemployment benefits to find a job, and I have my dad to lean on.and he to lean on me. We are together in this. It's good.