matilda36: (Default)
 I am terrified. Terrified of loosing my job, terrified by the loss of civil rights for gays in Russia, terrified that they will not arrest Berlusconi, terrified that they'll arrest Berlusconi, terrified about my rent, terrified that my next paycheck will not enter, terrified about everything.

I am grateful that I have 3 days off work, that I can spend relaxing (Ah! Relaxing as if it was a possibility), butI am terrified of going back to work. Images of the disaster that the last two weeks have been keep flashing behind my eyelids.making me even more terrified.

Last night I went to bed at 7 to try to break the mold.The question is: Do I keep hangiong on my current job, with the attached manic episode (I have already started shouting at people, including my 82 year old neighbout) or I let go and start working on my dream: working as  translator,copyeditor, editor and blogger. Will my new job allow me .the same free time that my current one allows me? When I do something I like usually I need less rest and the alternative would be working in an office. Or cleaning staircases, if I can find the job.

What scares me most is how agitated I am becoming at work. It reminds me of my last days in London.I don't want that. I don't want people to hate me to be  scared of me, just because I am afraid of loosing a job. That I liked. Now I don't know if I like it anymore.

What matters is that I avoid a bad manic episode. I am on that way. In the meantime I'll bring the lamictal back up to 300 and I'll try to use techniques that relax me. Like reading, but I am gonna try getting out of tthe house too. I can do with a MacD. Maybe today or tomorrow. Or just go for a walk, like I used to do in London. And chat and talk with people.

Do you know what the secret can be? To focus on my wellbeing. Remember I am ill and I need to take care of me. If he fires me I have 9 months of unemployment benefits to find a job, and I have my dad to lean on.and he to lean on me. We are together in this. It's good. 

Health first.

matilda36: (Default)
 Today was a better day. I am starting to understand how the system works and as such the quality of the services that we are offering our customers is improving. Also I was at work with some of my favourite colleagues and this made everything easier.

We finally had some positive feedback too.

Oh and I managed to catch the bus coming home avoiding the long walk. Don't get me wrong, I like walking and it's good for me, but bus is better. I'll check the timetable and see if I can manage it tomorrow too. Saturday and sunday I'll drive.

My manager has already told me to expect me to work very little next week. I am happy, because I have plans. Linkedin worked his first magic, allowing me to get some pointers for translations. I really like this site. I just need to learn how to use it better.

I need to rest too. I rest better when I am not working, especially when I work afternoon. I get home with my brain full of stymuli and I don't have the time to slow down before bed. When I can I prefer working mornings, but that's a difficult task, especially in winter. But in winter there are less people on holiday so I work less. Yay! Time to plot my future.
matilda36: (Default)
 Everyday things get worse. It's a constant leakage of customers. 

Today it has been interesting because I got to learn how the new systems work and I'll do it all the week long.  The good thing is that it means that I'll probably have more time free next week. Time that i can spend plotting and planning my future. 

This week I walk to work 3 days too and today I got home all sweaty. That's a good thing because it helps my weight  loss plan, hoping it's not a cunning plan.

Last night I got home very nervous, after a disastrous day at work, and I thought I would have problams sleeping, but it went quite ok. It was good also because I didn't go back to bed for a quick nap, but stayed up till it was time to go to work, so I didn't allow bad thoughts to come in my brain.

The walk helped and now I have done something to help my plans go ahead. INow I just want to relax, maybe write a bit.
matilda36: (Default)
 Last night I worked till midnight and this morning I was out of the house by 7:50 to go to the post office and to have my pap test done. It has been a long, hot morning.also because I was so worried about smelling when I got to see  the doctor. I had walked a lot by then and I was sweaty.

I am afraid that this pap test will discover something. Because yes I am changing the way I eat and I am eating less, but I am still eating a lot of the things I enjoy. Las night I had icecream. I felt full afterwards, but I ate it.  So I am not sure how natural is it to loose the weight I am loosing.. We'll see what comes back. Probably I don't feel hungry because I am used to eating less food now and I get full more easily.

Work is slow, very slow and the boss is making some stupid decisions, so I don't know how long this work will last. But I am ok with it. My career as blogger seems to finally be starting and I am getting again in the mood for writing. I subscribe to two brilliant blogs on tumble [tumblr.com profile] fuckyeahcharacterdevelopment and [tumblr.com profile] writewords that are inspiring me to write. I had lost even my blogging muse, but now that I am getting posted I am back to be enthisiastic (A lot will depend on if I get comments and what kind of comments I get). But whatever happens it will be an incentive to write better.

I have also started applying for jobs. It's a slow and harduous process, with a lot of rejections, but one I have to do. I will ask my doctor what he thinks about creating a site for bipolars to meet, without doctors involved, or involved very little (example: when somebody shares suicidal thoughts). It could be a good thing to do. I could do with a place where I don't feel manipulated by the system. I know that I am doing my share of manipulating (obtaining disable status has been useful when  I had to get a job), but the system has me feeling down because I am disabled.

My house is a bombsite, and I am absolutely not in the mood to tidy up. I will if I know I'll get visitors, but in the meantime I'll just enjoy it being a bombsite and spend my time reading. I have finished the Sid/Geno fics, I'll start with the Kane/Tazer ones. And Kryptaria and Bootsand blossoms have a new 00Q fic that I am waiting they finish to publish to read. Oh and scifigirl47 has one Avengers fic out too. So I have plenty to read. 

I like this post full of things to look forward to.


Finally...

Jun. 18th, 2013 06:03 pm
matilda36: (Default)
 ...my rent did come trough. 60 euros more than usual, but I can survive. Maybe fill my tank too.

My neighbour asked me to borrow 20 euros. 20 euros. His druggie son is a piece of shit to abuse his parents this way. 

Still filling in applications to job websites. I want to be in perfect shape when I go for it in september. I think my boss wants to see how things go with the new football season before deciding if to close or not. And I'd like to be sure to have a good job to go to, before leaving the one that I have at the moment.

I am now under the 80kg. (not sure I have already said it, but the thing makes me so happy. I am going to sweat this summer, sweat some fat. That's why I want this hot weather, so i can sweat it out.. At least now I can fit into most of my clothes.

Those are the news. I already know that this is gonna be another long summer at work, but they always are.
matilda36: (Default)
 I went to work by foot today because I was hoping to put up an ad for my teaching service, but the place was closed. Then I got to work and bad news: the horses are on strike, again.

This means even more holidays. And that's ok, because I am in total jobhunting mood. I know it's the worst period of the year to look for jobs, everybody is gearing down for the summer (Italians take seriously their summer holidays), but at least all the work I am putting in now will be helpful come September.While filling in my linkedin CV I realised that i have many more skills than I thought I had that I can share. I can teach, I can do creative writing, I can proofread and copyedit....I can translate I can do procurement.

The real kudos today go to [personal profile] cleo69 who saved me a lot of money. I can even think that I may make it this month now. That's a big relief, but I am still waiting for my rent to arrive and tell me what my fate's gonna be, but I am a tad closer to making it.

Tomorrow I am off. I'll probably end up cleaning the house. I have so much nervous energy....


Ashamed

Jun. 2nd, 2013 07:57 pm
matilda36: (Luna)
 I am ashamed of myself. I want a future as a blogger and yet my little piece yesterday was full of grammar and syntax mistakes. Today I am going to proofread my piece.

Things at work aren't looking great. There is talk of cutting hours (something I can't afford. I l scrape by like it is and only with my dad's help) and the outlook is not very positive. Today we worked, but apparently not enough. *sighs* The stars are preducting a favourable change of work after 27 of June.

My idea of a blog/network for bipolars is still there. The only question is: How can I make it make money for me? Because, let's be honest, I can't afford to live on air just because it's a good idea and a good cause.

A former colleague stopped by today. He has been looking for work on and off for the last six months and he hasn't found anything.I know he hasn't looked very hard because he's finishing up university, but he has looked. Apparently even temping agencies are closing down.

I have to take into account that I plan on changing  towns. Different place, different jobmarket. . A lot of my colleagues plan on not only moving town, but country too. Italy is definitely not in a good place at the moment.

Where is a good place at the moment? I will not give up and keep looking. Only by believing in myself I can make it.
matilda36: (Harry growing)
I have a writer's block for my blog. I have plenty of ideas but no strenght to write them....Maybe if I try to write here a bit everyday I will get my mojo back. Or maybe it's the research I am doing and seeing people saying what I want to say in such beautiful ways. I need to gain confidence in my blogging skills. I was good at writing essays, very good. Why shouldn't I be good at blogging too?

What have got to say? My workmates irritate me. There are levels of stupidity untouched.before. On monday night I heard this sentence: Hitler was better than Jesus Christ because he was killing" and he wasn't talking about rapists or paedophiles, but of jews or gay people. It left me so despondent and furious taht I spent yesterday in a funk. A couple of more things helped me going deep in the funk, but today it's better becuase I went out and I had a good chat.


Anyway idiocy makes me happy to stay at home. But to stay at home too long saddens me. What I have to do is to find the strenght of doing things when I am home, and not spend all my time in front of the PC. I would be happier in a cleaner house, or writing my blog or even going out for a walk. That would be a first.
matilda36: (daisy)
 My date texted me last night at midnight to wish me goodnight. Another reason why he's never gonna get a second date.

I had a week of intrinsec boredomI worked Monday and tuesday and then I am home till next monday. Luckily I had [personal profile] cleo69 and [livejournal.com profile] chef_hector keeping me compnay. And friday I had my weekly date with my 83 old neighbour. Going shopping with me is the highlight of his week.

But this afternoon I went for a walk and to meet a friend. She's getting married in september and she is getting everything ready. Strangely enough I didn't have any problem in discussing wedding things with her. Usually I hate weddingsand everything related. Maybe with age I have mellowed.

Tomorrow I am having lunch with another friend and monday I work and have errands to run. So I am feeling better. I had a shower, the sun is shining and my diet keeps working. (I have now lost nearly 10kg.)

Oh and there's a good chance that the horses will not strike.

I think I will sleep better tonight..
matilda36: (i am done pretending)
 I went on a date tonight. We went out for pizza and I was out and back in one hour and an half. The advantages of knowing the place and driving the car. And no inappropriate touching took place. Obvioulsy there's not gonna be a follow up. I went out because he insisted, he's a nice man, but I am not interested.

On the job front it's another horse strike so it's gonna be bad, also because it's starting the down season for football, so there's not a lot of work. We are all using our vacation time and one of my colleague who has a fixed term contract is likely to be left  home.

On the other side, I am working for the website. I am starting to explore fanlore and finding inspiration for new blogs.

I was very depressed about work this morning, but I spoke with my dad and said that we'll weather this storm together, if and when we have to storm it. My horoscope give me positive changes in workplace in the second part of the year.. I hope so. Because I do my job, but I am not all that happy with it. It's something safe (more or less) that leaves me with a lot of free time.

Considering that I spend most of that free time on the net, maybe it's better to look for another day job. But not in this city. I am done with this city.
matilda36: (i am done pretending)
Four quite depressing days. I basically spent friday depressed in bed, saturday and sunday at work (happy to be back with people around, but going home meant going to bed for me.)

Today I had the most boring day at work (They gave me 3 hours to do a job that usually takes me an hour and an half), but I spoke with my manager and I was encouraged into looking for a job more appropriate for my qualifications.

What my qualifications are, I am not sure, but I know I am smart, very smart, even with all these meds in me and it's time to be snob and smart. Nobody can put me down. Nobody. can make me feel small.

Not even I
matilda36: (Default)

I spent my day off sleeping (badly) and reading (with an headache) till I decided to pick up the phone and tell my dad that I am moving with him, official.

I gave myself as a target the beginning of summer, but it may be even earlier if I can find a job. My dad is asking around and he knows a lot of people...

Anyway after talking to him I felt much better and I slept all night like a baby. And I slept again this morning.

On the afternoon I left early because I knew parking was gonna be difficult (Yeah parking is still one of my obsessions) so I had the time for a nice walk before going to work. It helped me improve my mood so when I got to work I way serene enough.

I got the news that next week they are trying again to have me recuperate some of my overtime, so I should be home monday, tuesday and wednesday and friday, barring emergencies. I hope no. I have things to do, sleep to sleep and a move to plot.

matilda36: (Default)
Ysterday there was another emergency at work, and I ended up with more overtime, today. I was cranky and whiny. Went to bed early, tired but unable to sleep because of the thoughts flying in my mind. I made up my mind. Next summer at the latest I am moving in with my father. The fact that I am always too tired and I don't want to go to work means that my days on this job are numered before I blow up. So I'd better get moving. I am not sure how it will work, but I know thatit will.

But they have started. Dreams, panic attacks, binges, likely some psycosomatic pain.... all the companions of great changes.

Everytime I speak about my weight or my diet, anxiety captures me and I end up bingeing, like I do when I am tired. For lunch I have already planned a nice pasts, necessary to face another day at work.

Yes I am a mess. I am a completely out of control mess. Irritable, panicky, full of shit. I have to find not pharmacologic ways of living well.. Time to break out  the self help books.
matilda36: (i am done pretending)
Where do I start? There ia a bit of drama happening recently at work.

First of all, on Sunday I received an invite to go out with the old crew at my old site. I accepted, because I liked those people (note the past tense) and I wanted to spend some time with them. Turns out that the reason why the had invited me was to find out what the other sites think about their recent scandal. They even tried to defend the thief (because if you con 800 euros out of the accounts, doesn't matter if you do it to cover the petty cash expenses and help your colleagues when money is missing from the tills (so he says) yopu are a thief all the same).

They basically wanted the gossip. I have been honest and told them that the honesty of the whole staff is under discussion, and that we need to focus on the important things, like SAVING OUR JOBS, instead of wanking on something that has already happened.

Another day, another wank. I think I mentioned earlier on that we took on with temps contracts two boys that where on a contratto a chiamata, meaning that they were paid only for the hours they worked, but they had no benefits (annual leave and sick leave at all). Now they have benefits but less hours, hence less money. Instead of doing the sensible thing and looking for a second job or a different job altogether, they are trying to force the hand of our boss to give them (and pay them) overtime. The arrangement at my place is simple: you work overtime, you get time off.  The point is that there is very little overtime going around and they prefer to give it to somebody like me, who don't complain, work hard andis happy with the time off (I like working but I am recovering and barely from a long period of stress, so time off is a must). These two idiots, who don't understand that their contracts, unlike mine, have an expiration date and to piss off the boss means the longest, unpaid leave of them all, the sacking, tried to get me into their plans.

I spoke with my manager instead. She is happy with me and our agreement, I am happy witth our  agreement. She thinks they are idiots, because the boss is in the process of selling the activity, so everything is precarious. He's likely not to renew the temps contracts when they expire with the new year, and we still do not know how the new management will work.

So another bunch of people who don't understand that the point is not about their little wanks, but SAVING OUR JOBS.

Luckily on sunday my father told me that, instead of seeing me struggle every month to reach payday, he'd prefer me to go and live with him in his town. It would be a complete change of scenery, but I am slowly getting ready for that.
matilda36: (MerDer)
Yesterday I went to work at my old site, where the athmosphere is pretty bad. They still don't know when the agency will close, what will be of their jobs (They have vague promises of reassignement and that's it) and to make things worse, one of the managers had to resign and another was demoted because of certain little games they have been playing with the accounts...

It made me realise how lucky I am. Strangely enough the thing that depresses me a bit, my illness and the limitations that puts on me, is the one keeping me in employment and paid enough to live. Live carefully, but live. Live carefully, that can be my motto. The only times I haven't lived carefully I was manic. Nowadays the most dangerous thing I do is to eat bread with my dinner.

Thieves

Nov. 13th, 2012 11:55 am
matilda36: (Default)
I think that Cipralex was having a reverse effect on me, because instead of sleeping I feel more active and more awake in the morning.
This is probably due to the fact that by 8 at night  when I am not working I am in bed. I need to work on that, but I get itchy and red eyes easily and staying in bed in the dark is the only thing that helps.

And no, I have not been spending all my time in front of the PC. On Sunday I washed all the floors (Not a big issue watching 27mq you'll say, but I did sweat like a pig and it felt like a marathon to me) and yesterday (payday) I I paid my bills and went shopping because the last week of the month is always the one with an empty pantry. I don't go hungry, but I have to be creative. Anyway the shopping was big and putting it all away took time.

This morning I was supposed to work, but my boss called and told me to come this afternoon instead so I could help at the tills if need arise, while I finished the boring and hypnotic job we have been doing recently. . Sift tickets so they are in order for an IRS inspection. After today, hopefully, everything will be ok. If it's not finished I'll come back tomorrow, but I am hopeful and inspired because if I finish today I'll be off tomorrow.

Yesterday we solved the culprit of the great robbery. Somebody forced the slot machines open and got away with a lot of money. This twice. After we closed them with an iron bar, we had other attempts.Yesterday we finally caught him in the act. It was an old man who, having spent all hispension at the slot, had decided that the slot machines had to pay him back, one way or another. You could say that he's a victim of gambling, I say, from the way he strutted his stuff around, that's an arrogant bastard

Naps!

Nov. 7th, 2012 12:14 pm
matilda36: (don't wake me up)
Congratulations America for choosing the least awful candindate. Now it's up to us women (from every country because the War on Women is global) to fight for our rights in any possible way.

Work this afternoon and then 4 days off. Tomorrow sleep and housework, friday I go to visit my mother (at the cemetery), saturday sleep and housework and sunday I spend with my dad.

There was some noise about me working tomorrow too, but by law I can't work 7 days without a day off and with today I already reach 7 days straight. Only because I am the best at the most boring job in the universe, that doesn't mean that other should be able to avoid it only because they are less conscienscious of me.

I went to see my doctor this morning, no change to the therapy except for the Cipralex that will not be missed at all. I should lower my risperdal intake, because it messes with my cycle, but it's just too good  to lower it and I am still very tired and a bit stressed. I react to stress, especially long term stress pretty badly. I cope, but I need support and things like dayly naps.

Speaking of which I can feel one calling my name.
matilda36: (i am done pretending)
Going back to work was ok. I am desperately tired, but that's probably the backlog of tiredness making itself heard. Next week I have 4 days off because my managre said that if she doesn't start to lower my overtime's backlog now she'll never do it. I foresee more of it in my future.

I am ok with it because I like being needed. I need to be needed. What made me so sad at my previous site was the fact that I was made feel as if I wasn't needed. I am a workaholic because I am bored with my life, I have little friends outside work and sometimes I get lonely.

Yeah I do. Most of the time I am alone and I am ok with it, even when I go to bed and it's cold because there's nobody warming it up, but sometimes I would like somebody to hug me, not to comfort me, just to be there. To take away the loneliness.
matilda36: (MerDer)
...tomorrow. A day early but they needed me so I am going in for another week of overtime. This week we should be able to complete a job that has kept us busy for the last 3 weeks, while at the same time handling our very busy normal schedule.  

This holiday has been okish. There have been things I couldn't do because the money didn't get to me till today, but I started cleaning the house (I evicted Aragog) and I have slept, or better cuddled in bed, a lot.

And that's were I am goin g, even if I would like to be sure that my friends on the east coast are safe.
matilda36: (don't wake me up)
An entire week off. Starting from next wednesday. Another week of work and then finally I can be me. I think that I will spend at least the first half of it sleeping. I have too much sleep to catch up with.

Then reading, finally cleaning the house (I am on first name terms with Aragog the spider living in my kitchen) and recovering. I may see people or I may not. I may Go out or I may not. It's complete freedom.

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