matilda36: (Default)
 I JUST MANAGED TO SAVE 600 EUROS PER YEAR ON MY CAR INSURANCE. i CAN NOW BREATHE AGAIN.

Car insurance was one of my biggest concerns as things to pay during the year. Now i got a new cheaper one and I am so happy that I did something I never do, that's shouting on the internet.

For the rest... I am off for the next two days bitches and this means breathing space for my obssessions. I think that tonight I will not be able to sleep by thinking of my car insurance.

I may even do some cleaning. But in the meantime I will bask in the glow of my saved money and read a bit. 

 
matilda36: (Luna)
 I was trying to sleep last night, after a nightmare of a day and I remembered suddenly that I was able to write funny stories. Funny/sexy stories

I am gonna try to find that inspiration back. It's all part of that spiritual growth thing I have going, to take me away from my obssession.

I had some funny stuff (at least what i find funny) that had some recognition at the time. Obviously all of my stories have been swept away in a computer crash or the other, but I wrote them.

In the meantime, another hockey game, maybe some Sherlock, surely some reading. I need to relax.

 
matilda36: (Default)
 Today I don't want to talk about work. I work 24 hours a week, I am not a manager, just a mere cashier so I have no responsibilities, and yet I spend an inordinate amount of time worrying about work.

No, not worrying, obsessing. I have an obssessive personality and I tend to obssess about work. I did it in London I am doing it now. The difference is that I am conscious  of what I am doing and I don't take it out aggressively on those around me.  

Obssessing is very tiring. That's one of the reasons why I spend so much of my time sleeping or reading, because when I sleep (and even before I sleep there is a period of obssessing while my meds work.) or read I am not obssessing. That should have been my new year's resolution: to stop obssessing.

But that's more difficult than that because obssessing is part of my illness. In fact my meds helps taking off  the aggressive edge to my obssession.

I want to try to stop obsessing, especially about something as stupid as work. I mean working and earning is important, but it's not my life. My spiritual life has to be more than that.  I am allowing poverty to dictate who I am. I am ugly, sad and worried all the time.

You can be poor and be happy. I have internet access, I am warm,, I have a car... in the end I cannot complain. There are people much worse off than me. So I need to start enjoying life more. I can afford happiness.

 
matilda36: (Default)
 First day I managed to keep most of my resolutions. I even managed to smile at work. I think I looked a bit constipated because I am not used to it, but at least I tried.

Work was chaos. The new games we introduced are a resounding success, but the Boss doean't want to give us enough staff to deal with it properly. The customers complain, we complain, but he's stubborn. But I think we'll wear him down with a tad of logic and chaos.

For the rest.... I slept a lot. Spent some time with my dad and eaten like a pig least night. So Today I ate just grapes and bananas.

Maybe I'll have a bit of Christmas cake before bed. I should be off the next 3 days (unless the boss gives up) and I am looking forward to them.

Those holidays have been quiet but busy for me and I need to cuddle in my nest a bit. After all that's taking care of myself and that's my priority. 

Taking care of myself.

 
matilda36: (candles)
 I usually don't do them, because I am crap at keeping my resolutions from one day to the other , imagine keeping them for an entire year. Anyway here's the list:

1) Keep on with my diet. This one is relatively easy. I have gained these festivities, but less than I thought, so I can easily ( hopefully) slip back into my rhythm and loose the last 10kg.

2) Exercise. This is something that I usually struggle with. A lot. I know it would help with my diet, especially with this round belly that doesn't want to deflate. It would also raise my energy levels at the moment very low. We'll see. Maybe a little walk every day would be a good start.

3) Become a better blogger. Both here and on my professional blog. I have things to say, and I am gonna say them well.

4) Find a better job. This is the most difficult of all, because the job market is a nightmare and I am not sure what I can offer nowadays, after 8 years rotting behind a till, but I will try, I will keep trying. I will also refresh my translation tentative start. I'll keep the teaching as the last line of defense, because it's not something I enjoy. (and I am not all that good at it)

5) Be more cheerful. I rarely smile. And not always because I am unhappy. It's just that I spend so much time alone that I don't need to smile. So, my intention is to smile more. Because if you smile people smile you back.

6) Clean the darn house, keep clean the darn house.

So those are my resolutions. Some easier than others, but I want to try all of them. Updates to come to this blog.
matilda36: (candles)
In the end I got the Christmas bouns. And 4 days off for Christmas, including Christmas eve, Christmas day and Boxing day. I am back to work on friday.

Sunday I was very serene, yesterday too, but this morning I woke up a bit cranky. So now I am watching hockey and trying to think deep thoughts for Christmas.

Christmas is always been there for me. I looked forwards to it more some years then others. When i was a child I usually had good Christmasses. When I was a teenager I had the shadow of my mother's drinking on me. Then when i was groing up... to be I forgot.

I forgot most of my Christmasses. I remember going for a walk around midnght with my parents to give time to Father Chritmes (my grandmother) to bring the present. I remember the peace of the streets and the joy of being there with both my parents.

I remember my father coming to visit me in London and us cooking a mishmash of Italian and English food.

And I remember the most recent Christmasses, my father and I here in peace, eating and listening to Carols on the radio. Going to the pictures on Christmas day (This year and the last is the Hobbit) and (That's a more recent tradition) The Carol Concert on Boxing day.

The rest is a blur. I remeber most of my past in chunks coming up clear one day and foggy the other. I have entire years that I have forgotten, in particular the first year back in Italy, when I was so bad that I deleted everything. Or most of it.

I am not sure if it's my illness or just getting old. 

In the meantime I wish you all a wonderful Christmas surrounded by love and peace.

 

Taxes

Dec. 18th, 2013 04:04 pm
matilda36: (Default)
 We lost enough customers to put in doubt our Christmas bonus. And that's a problem because I need it.Taxes and repairs (I had to call the plumber for the kitchen sink and I had to take my laptop to repair) mean money going out like a water leak.

The good part is that the taxes aren't all that high and there are no added taxes to my rent, but it means that i have to sit down and manage my expenses.

I had my father here for nearly a week. It has been a pleasure and it will be a pleasure again to see him at Christmas, but he was getting restless and that was messing my karma. I wanted to use him as a slave to clean the house, but we ended up doing the usual things. Playing comupter games, reading, watching hockey...

I am going to have a lovely early night tonight enjoying having my bed all for me. In the meantime I'll wash my dishes in my newly functioning sink and read a bit.

 

Anxious

Nov. 29th, 2013 11:00 am
matilda36: (don't wake me up)
 So the new neighbouring agency has open. Up till now we have lost a bit of business, but less than I thought. The weekend will tell us a lot. The whole thing create anxiety in me.

Luckily I am managing to sleep (except for tuesday night, but that was bad) .You know my job depends from these things as well. And without a job.... I am in deep shit.

Last night I dreamt that my mother was telling me to clean the house. I think I'll start doing it tomorrow. I am home.

As for today I have the lunchtime shift from 1pm to 8pm. It makes me nervous because of parking issues. Yeah parking is still one of my things. One that creates anxiety in me.

So in short. I am anxious. Not at danger level, my meds helps me, but I am anxious. And I so need tomorrow off. Really really need it.


 
matilda36: (i am done pretending)
 I am having a  mild panic attack. It's mostly work related (OMG if I loose this job what i am going to do?), but there's also some underlining sadness.

And to say that the day had started well, with me managing the first part of the winter clothes exchange (I have so many pair of pants and jeans that's not funny. I hope that at least some will work with my new weight.. Speaking of weight, I have lost, even with Macdonald on sunday.

This sunday I am going to have a egg mcmuffin and a coffee. I am not gonna eat at lunchtime till I get home, so this should minimise the damage.

The other thing that's worrying me is that the resnt hasn't arrived yet and this may mean that I have to pay more for all the water that they haven't made us pay when it was its time. We'll see. I did some maths and if I don't eat I may even make it.

Now i am going to eat (while I can) and maybe I will do some more hoousework, or I'll just read, to keep my head busy.

Do you know what I think that made me sad? The fact that my doctor said that I need to put effort in improving my life, that meds are not enough. They can help, but just help, I have to find the strenght inside me. I used to have that strenght, now....

 
matilda36: (don't wake me up)
 I knew that the Flyers Vs penguins game was on wednesday so this morning I got up and went to the penguins website to find out how did the match go.

I was surprise i couldn't find the result and looked everywhere until i realised that today is Wednesday andmaybe there weren't any results because they still have to play. Go Penguins go!

 
matilda36: (don't wake me up)
 Yeah I know i have lost even before starting, but I'll try again this posting everyday thing next month. There is always a next month.

The important thing about next month is that they pay me the tredicesima, that is an extra month of salary that's given to people in Italy every december.

Things are going better at work, but not that well and we have a rival outlet setting up in our backgarden. Let's see how things go.

In the meantime I am home till next sunday and I can rest and do things. things that may be reading and listening to music, but that may be engaging in a fight with the spiders that seem to think that my house is their house. I may surprise myself.

Last night I was in bed at 6:30 with a book. I may end up doing the same thing tonight. Everybody knows that i love my bed with a passion.

 
matilda36: (don't wake me up)
 Yesterday I was supposed to be at home, but they called me in because The father of one of my colleagues had a bad car accident.

This means thta from here to my next break it will be 11 consecutive days I have worked. And still I don't know if he will be back by then.

Last night and this morning I didn't sleep well. I had baddreams. Not nightmares, but the kind of dreams you have problems shake off.

The Penguins lost 5-1 to the Rangers. 

But apparently Willy Shakez, the booksite i am supposed to do some work for, is finally open. A bout of fresh air in what at 11:10 looks like a long day already.

 
matilda36: (Default)
 Yesterday I was definitely out of it, that's my excuse. A morning shift like a nightmare, It nearly made me loose my patience. Nearly I say. I have been good. But the fact is: we have customers, we have work, why our boss keeps cutting shifts? He has to pay us for the hours we have on our contract, whenever we do them.

Oh well, that's his problem. Today it was a decent morning. I had a long walk in the market (only 50p for a book I have been good) nice breakfast, then I had the time to do things properly before customers arrived. And they arrived. Luckily there are other colleagues dealing with them. I'll deal with them tomorrow afternoon. Tomorrow morning, I take my old man to get his pension and for his usual shopping.

Wednesday I am home and I plan on sleeping. Not that i plan a late night today.

 

Shitty day

Nov. 2nd, 2013 04:14 pm
matilda36: (i am done pretending)
 Shitty, shitty day. First I didn't hear my alarm clock the first time, then I got a phone call from work that I got my shits wrong and that I needed to be at work that exact moment.So rush to work, luckily found a good parking spot imediately. Then got to work, worked in a decent mood, avoided some annoying clients, got some others. Nearly forgot to take my pill because I was busy, then got my boss in a shitty mood just when I was leaving and got an earful that wasn't for me. 

Luckily now I am home, with my pill, had my late lunch and having my decaf with some classical music and a decent story.

I just hope that I'll be able to sleep early, so this day will finish early.
matilda36: (i am done pretending)
Like every november inflict on my (few) readers my attempt at blogging everyday for a month. I feel very boring at the moment, probably because I am all doped up, so my posts will probably not be all that brilliant.

Wednesday i got my weight and I was under 75, but yesterday I ate very badly so I don't know how I will do next week. Today I have been eating not bad. I got home famished, like always when i work morning. This morning was ok. Probably because there are a lot of people away for the long weekend and probably not all knew that football was today and not tomorrow. I dunno. What I know is that i got home tired and a tad cranky.

So now I'll spend time reading and listening to some music. The usual things I do when I am tired and a tad cranky

 
matilda36: (Default)
 Working fridaythrough monday it's heavy, because they are the busiest days of the week, so I reach Monday afternoon that I just want to go to bed. And believe me, to bed I'll go. And pretty early. Last week had been particularly heavy because I got a cold. I went to see my auntie and the heating wasn't on at her place. Luckily It passed quite quickly..

Great news! The site I am supposed to blog for it's alive! Well not yet, but Still....My idea is that they hope to be online in time for Christmas shopping. We'll see.

Saturday is my birthday, but everything going fine, I'll celebrate on friday with my father. We deserve some time together.
matilda36: (Default)
 I bear my burden proudly for all to see, to conquer prejudice and ignorance and hate with knowledge and sincerity and love. Whenever you are threatened by a hostile presence, you emit a thick cloud of love like an octopus squirts out ink...”
― William S. Burroughs

Free days.

Oct. 9th, 2013 02:42 pm
matilda36: (Default)
 Worked this morning. Now I have a day off. A true day off, without old neighbours to take shopping. I plan on watching an hockey game because it makes a wonderful background noise, maybe listen to some classical music (Autumn always makes me crave classical music.), maybe clean. I am going to bed in the morning. I am going to bed slightly later today soa9 I should not have problems falling asleep and b) I shouldn't have any problems napping tomorrow. I love napping.


For today.... I have the afternoon free. Reading maybe?

Update

Oct. 7th, 2013 04:03 pm
matilda36: (Default)
 I have been back to work nearly a week and it's a mixed bag. The first day I reached the end of the day very, very tired. And still carriees on as a trend. This morning I walked to work because I didn't want the hassle with parking and I reached work that i could barely stand.

Yesterday I was late in taking risperdal and I lost my patience with a customer. I wasn't wrong, but I don't like loosing my patience. It's one of the reasons why I am happy to be on meds. They keep me calm.

I need to retrieve some strenght. And I need to sleep properly. Last week I slept well the morning after I worked, but bad the night itself.I am tired today so I hope to sleep well tonight. I am working three mornings this week. I prefer mornings so I can relax before bed. 


But I really need to recover some strenght. Exercise, cleaning,anything. And to stop eating so much pasta. It's the season for the soups, like the delicious (although ready made) one I am enjoying now.
matilda36: (Default)
 It's now nearly a week in my enforced holiday and I am not sure it's working. I mostly manage not to think about work and I am balanced enough not to be scared at the idea of going, but I am not sleeping all that I wanted. th meds were supposed to make me drowsy but I am perfectly lucid. Maybe a little less obsssessive, only at night when I try to sleep and I think about M, one of my customers and a right bastard that apparently doesn't like me (and here arrives paranoia).

and here i am writing about things that make me anxious. i wanted this week to be a week of blissful oblivion, but this has not been. Luckily I have hockey and Nightvale to keep me company oh and fanfic, but that's normal. I wanted to sleep and instead I had a boring, normal week, just without work.

The thing is how do I get out of this hole that is getting deeper and deeper?

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