matilda36: (Default)
 I will be in love with my cat, broke, in a workplace that should be safe for the next two years, but it's really constantly on the verge of bankrupt, with a messy house and a father starting to show his age, and I am happy.

It may be the three coffees that I had today, or simply the fact that I feel loved, but I am happy. The problems will get solved, I just need to pick up a broom and clean the house, even if I like the beachlike quality of my bathroom floor inundated by the sand that you put in the litter boxes (clean, he likes it clean my cat, today he called me till I went and took away his more recent gift from the litterbox because it was bothering his delicate nose)

I'll find a job I like, maybe translating. Maybe I'll become the next Fernanda Pivano. Or maybe I'll write that novel about daughters and fathers that I have always had in me. Maybe I'll start work on that website for people with mental health problem were they can express themselves without families and their doctors watching over their shoulders. I love that people take care of me but I'd like to do something for my brethen.

I don't feel old, I feel at the beginning of a new life. So happy birthday to me and let's start this new life.

 
matilda36: (Luna)
 Bruno is my joy. People have commented on how more cheerful I am since I had him and yes, I am happier.

It's a period of happy things (and little money): I go walking every morning with a friend, I have been watching The Tudors (yeah I am always late). I have only one episode left and I am curious to see Henry, who with the years has become a parody of Marlon Brando in the Godfather, die. I just hope that in one episode he doesn't manage to kill the Duke of Suffolk, my favourite character.And hockey season is back.

After that I am going to try Outlander and Reign, but in the meantime I have a new season of X Factor (with a jury I like) and a documentary on the Roosvelt family.

Yeah I am in an historic mode. And so completely gone on my cat that I tried to make him drink from a bottle.

The living room is in chaos and the bathroom is full of the grains from the litter box (Bruno is very well educated and always uses the box), but I don't care.

Today I am off to work, but I don't care. 4 hours pass by  quickly especially if as I hope there's gonna be a lot of sport. I am even stopped worrying about parking. I am happy
matilda36: (Default)
 Today I go back to work after my 10 days vacation. I am feeling refreshed and rested. 

I have taken long walks, (It's becoming a morning habit that I share with a friend, I don't think I would be able to keep up alone, too many bad thoughts), read the Mallorean (I still haven't received the Wardens of the West the first book, but I have enjoyed the others) and played with my love.

I am in love with my kitten. Today he has helped me clean the bedroom, with particular attention to the broom and the mop, then we have played, I have has set in order in my diary and he has slept against my back while I was watching The Tudors. Now is on my bed napping.

He commits the typical cats disasters: climbing the curtains, knocking over water, knocking over the rubbish bin. But he sleeps with me and he cuddles me and I wait for me when I come home. I am gonna see how he's going to react to my work absence, also because it will mean that he eats late. But he loves me and that's all I need.

 
matilda36: (pic#745355)
 Yay! I finally can write again on DW. Writing on lj hasn't got the same meaning for me. With DW I feel more sure, more at home.

Tonight I meet my new love. His name is Bruno,has a soft black fur and he's a kitten. After resisting that long without a cat, loneliness had the better of me and when a friend offered, I said yes.

The best thing is that finally I have cleaned all the house with a cat friendly product, included the left overs of last week gastroenteritis.

Thank goddess my auntie does all my washing.

What else! Oh I am on vacation. After the first 2 days of rushing around, today I have finally slowed down, watched the first 3 episodes of the Tudors, decided to finally go to bed to read the Mallorean (it arrived today, I still have one missing, but it's the first one so I can know how the story ends) and feel asleep.

That's more or less my plan for the next week. Walk in the morning, then cuddles and reading with the cat. I even shopped for the week.

(Good because I don't have money, the end of the month is looming)

And now I think I'll go back to bed for another nap..

 
matilda36: (Default)
 I didn't go. Call me a coward, but I don't like the idea of going out, even for an ice cream with somebody who calls me his mistress and tells me about the growing strenght of his feelings (when he has just seen me at work a few minutes while he bets.). I replied to his latest telling him that I ain't nobody's mistress and that all he'll have from me is the odd ice cream.

Work is... a nightmare. We are badly organised, we have more customers than staff and I have to listen to a 22 year old arrogant bastard telling me off for something I did with permission from a manager. Fuck off M, I knew somebody else like you and he didn't end well.

These kinds of things depress me, and I am already depressed by my immobility, so this morning I went to my soctor and we decided to add an antidepressant to the mix. I don't have the best history with antidepressants, but I am optimist about this one. It's slightly stimulant, so maybe it'll stop me from going to bed at 6pm. 

And it'll help me to find more energy to do the things I need to do, like cleaning the house, search for a job and take care of me, so I attract the right kind of men, those who can take care of me and don't just want to fuck me. I want to be a wife, not a mistress. Wife or spinster, no middleways for me. Because being a spinster has its advantages and I enjoy them to the full.

 
matilda36: (Meredith wedding)
 Another date, with somebody who talks about my "sex appeal" I tried to make him understand that I am not interested in nothing more than an ice cream (that I am not going to eat, because I gave up sweets for lent and I don't want to give up just when the end line is in sight. This morning I bought an Easter Cake to be my dinner for Easter Sunday) and an afternoon speaking English. 

He's an English teacher, so he speaks a good English and he can help me with my pronunciation, my biggest problem because I rarely speak English. I read and write it regularly, but I don't speak it enough.

The big question is: I am not interested, so why I am unable to say no. B. buldozed me into going out with him, but I could have said no very easily. A simple: I never go out with customers would have been enough. Well, maybe not enough, because he would have kept asking, but It would have protected me.

So. I am weak and I don't know how to say no. I am just a bit worried that he will not keep his hands to himself, but that's why we are going to stay in a very public space.

Update

Apr. 8th, 2014 11:17 am
matilda36: (Default)
 Had a week off, I was bored at the end, even if I went to see my auntie (new haircut babe, short and without that horrible shade of orange my hair had become. Now it's my natural grey. A very nice shade of grey) and I had a visit from my father. I hadn't seen him in months, so it was a real pleasure.

Yesterday my well being in being back lasted just the time to get through the door. My colleagues are all in such a funk that depresses you terribly. But I am off till friday so I am happy. This time I am not spending time in front of the PC, I want to go for a walk and maybe clean the house.I say maybe because cleaning the house is one of those things that seems to elude me. Every time I get distracted by a new story. (or an old one, I am not picky)

This morning I went shopping with my neighbour, who, for lack of alternatives, thinks is in love with me, just because I am kind to him. I confess I am willing to accept his money.(although not for sex, I am not that desperate) Especially because the radiator of my car may (and I keep my fingers crossed at the may) be leaking. This morning it was dry under the car and the water temperature indicator was healthy, so, I'll hope for the  best.

Prayer has been very kind to me recently. I am trying to be kind to everybody around me and trying to see if I can find ways to help others (possibly without them falling in love with me.

In other news, I keep loosing weight.. I'll become a real babe and maybe attract a decent kind of men, not the ones who just want to see my boobs.



 
matilda36: (i am done pretending)
 I know that one of my biggest difects is that I am judgmental. I see a person or I hear a story and I am ready to judge.. I am working on it, trying to be more open recognising that people are equals to me, not above nor below, just on the same level, even when it's difficult.

It's easy to judge a drug dealer as inferior to me. I am honest, hardworking and I don't kill people.

It's easy to judge people who do more than me, who are not lazy and easily tired like me as superior than me.

But those are extreme cases. Today I was faced with a much more difficult situation. Where I was working before I was befriended by a couple of people at work. I started going out with them. It was nice, while it lasted. At some point, for some idiotic reason I incurred in the wrath of these people, especially of the "boss" of the group, a woman 10 years older than me. Apparently we made peace, but things were never like before. I kept making mistakes, after which I had to apologise, till at some point I became a pariah to her and her group. If I were to judge this woman I would not be nice in my judgement.

Today I went to another of our shops to cover for somebody.. Everything went well till this woman M. , who now works at that shop arrived. She ignored me so I said, I'll be the bigger woman and say hello. She looked at me with hate in her eyes. I spent the last hour of my shoft feeling very, very small and scared.

Now, how can I not judge somebody who so openly hates me, without a serious reason?



 
matilda36: (Luna)
My neighbour gave me 50 euros today.  He's lonely, lives in a precarious situation with a crazy wife and his only moment of freedom are those tuesday mornings when i take him shopping. He knows that I am poor so he gives me money whenever he has an excuse to do it. I try to give him the affection he needs. I love him in a way. outside of the money that gives me.But I need the money, so I don't say no.

The big question is: is right to accept money in exchange for affection that I would give him anyway?

 
matilda36: (i am done pretending)
 Not in a funk anymore. Still worried about money, but I am trying not to worry about that, and to have faith that something will happen to help me. Or I'll just stop loosing money from my till. 

Tomorrow I was supposed to be home, but a colleague got sick, so I have to go to work. I would have loved 4 days straight of home, but I'll make do.We need all to pitch in if we have any hope to keep our jobs. Things don't look good, but I still have hope. If only the attitude would change in my colleagues...but they do what they can, so I cannot complain.

I m carrying on on my attempt at faith. It's hard, especially because I am used to judge people a lot, it's my greatest sin and sometimes it's difficult, when you see certain things. But I know that my colleagues do not have such a great opinion of me,  ( or at least I think), so it works both ways and me being the first to change attitude may lead to them changing theirs.

 

In a funk

Mar. 2nd, 2014 05:07 pm
matilda36: (don't wake me up)
 I realised yesterday how much money I have lost from my till that I couldn't sleep last night. So this morning I tried a difficult nap and went to work in a funk. We worked quite well this morning, lots of sport and we even had queues. (we were 4 instead of 5 that's true).

I did mostly sport, with some virtual (That I hate with a passion, because it's easy to loose money by doing it) and some  horses., but the thing that shocked me most is the fact that I had 50 euros more in my till. I have no idea of how that happens, but I used the money to quell my debts.

Now I am home and still in a funk. I don't know where it did come out from. Or maybe I suspect where it did come out from, and I'll do my best to remedy the situation. It's not helping that the Penguins lost 5-1  last night.

In the meantime, I am gonna read a bit, in the hope it gets better. Oh and I'll have an early night, those always help.



 
matilda36: (i am done pretending)
 That I am slurrying my voice, that it takes me a long time to park and that I am not good with handling money (He doesn't know the last two, but I noticed them) and that generally I am slower, that it takes me time to think.

So he lowered my medication. It's the right thing to do, I know, but I am a bit scared. I was at ease in my cotton world. I was able to go to work. I was unable to do things and have proper human interactions,but that doesn't matter.

What matter is that I have to face the world a bit more and that's scary.

Oh and on a cheerful note, I am now under 73kg ufficially.

 
matilda36: (don't wake me up)
Yesterday I lied to have less problems parking today. That created me more problems because I cannot go to the bank or to buy bananas and it feels weird for a monday to wait till 1:30 to go to work and to eat at home.

Lesson: lieing is not good. 

Yesterday at work I wasn't cheerful, but I wasn't dark either, I think I reached the conclusion that I am not a social person and that helped me relax.

Conclusion confirmed by friday night. It wasn't a disaster, just... leaving aside the fat that I looked horrible (hair and fundation my weakest spots), I had ptoblems striking a conversation.  Maybe I am not used to it, maybe I am just crap at it.

So I decided that I want to work from home. That's a problem because the majority of works from home are freelance and I can't take the stress of freelance. I am a bit whiny today, ain't I?

I am perfectly relaxed about the idea of going to work. And I'll have a nice walk going for rent and bananas tomorow morning. I had a nice nap this morning  Tip: Going to bed early has it's advantages, but it's not helpful if you want to nap in the morning.So, or I go to bed early and I don't have a nap in the morning, or I go to bed at an hour fit for an homan (Like 9:30) and nap in the morning.

Tonight I know which one it will be, a "late" night. but I don't care. Yeah I am in a not caring mood, I think.
matilda36: (don't wake me up)
 Had two intense days at work, and realised that I am not able to smile at work anymore. I go with the best intentions, try some smiles, try to be relaxed and joke, and I fail completely.

I close up in myself more and more and I reach the end of my shift completely gone. I know that I am obssessing about work, but  work is the only place I have to confront people with this new attitude i am trying to have towards the world. 

I want to..... I was gonna say be a good person, but that's not it.  I am already a decent human being. I don't want to become a saint because those are made of a different cloth.  I am a bit of a gossip, I am a fiend when it comes to parking, I can be a bit judgmental and I spend a lot of time in a dark place, but I am a decent human being. I can do better and that it's something that I m gonna try.

But it's not the issue here what I want to become is a positive person. Somebody who thinks not "Oh I had 10 euros missing from my till" but she thinks "I was a goddess at parking today", who doesn't think: "this is a difficult customer i know it alread"y but she thinks "I already knows what thinks customer wants so i can give it to him".

Switch thinking patterns. But it's hard. Tonight I am going out with some friends from outside work. I know only one person from the group well, so it's gonna be an interesting experience. To see if I can be a positive person in a new environment.

In the meantime I think I am gonna need an afternoon nap. I am soooooo tired.

 

Serenity

Feb. 18th, 2014 01:45 pm
matilda36: (Default)
 I have been doing a lot of thinking recently and one of the things that is coming out of it is that I have no idea where I am going.

I agree that God (or Fate) decides a lot of things in our life, but we have Free will after all, so an idea of where I want to go would be nice. In the meantime I am trying to change approach to things and people.

For example to let my costumers get to me less (even when they are annoying on purpose) and to go to work with a more positive attitude. 
 
Positive attitude that I am trying to apply to everything, even to an afternoon spent at home (Yeah i know those are already my favourites), but they are rarely as serene as today.

This serenity, if I manage to keep it going (and I am arming myself with things that can help me keep it going) can help me to find my way, to decide where I want to go, beyond changing work. Even with a better job, I would always be fluctuating, thinking about what my life will be after my father is gone, what meaning will it have other than keeping him fighting.

I am alone and lonely and I am shy and silent. Starting to be more positive can make me smile more and people like me more (although the way my manager at work takes care of me since I had to take sick leave is very sweet).

This change of attitude will help me to find my way, I am sure. But I'll start to think about what I want to do on a consciuos level too. Maybe I'll write that book that has been inside of me all my life.

 
matilda36: (don't wake me up)
 To keep up positivity is hard, especially when you are used to be negative and you are at peace only when you are alone and the world cannot touch you., As soon as you have to go out in the world, the world catches up with you.

I am happy and balanced only when I am alone. as I am discovering it these last few weeks, where I work sat, sun, mon and I am free the other days. Days that I spend blissfully alone. When I can write optimistic posts.

Knowing that I am going to work this afternoon has me anxious. The first question is:"will I find a parking spot?". Then there's "Will we be busy?" and then there's "Will my till check out or will I miss money at the end of the day?". All these questions take away my breath. 

The only thing I can answer is: "It will be as God wants it to be". This helps me a bit, till the anxiety starts to rise again.

With anxiety come sadness and negativity. I am not able to smile.

Let's try an exercise: Smile at least for today. Accept reality and fight to improve things where you can, like in being a better cashier and being more careful with money. As for parking...that's really in the hands of the Lord

Acceptance

Feb. 4th, 2014 01:58 pm
matilda36: (Default)
 On Sunday I was reading one of those self help blogs. It was talking about acceptance: acceptance of life and of where it puts us, and acceptance of ouselves.

I said: I will never be able to do it.

This morning I woke up with a feeling of peace and contentment, of acceptance. Yes I have bipolar disorder, but it doesn't mean it has to stop me. Yes I am broke, but I have enough money to take me to my next payday. Yes, I am a disaster in parking, but I'll be more careful in the future and accept the consequences of my mistakes.

Two nights ago, I prayed: I prayed the Lord to give me a sign, I prayed my mother to guide me in her unique way. This feeling I have may be the fruit of those prayers. I don't know if it will last (I honestly hope so, I could do with some clarity in my mind), but for sure I am enjoying it. Friday I am going to visit my mother ( in the cemetery), because I have been missing her like crazy recently.

Yesterday at work, everything went well, for the first time in ages I made some money and tickets on a weekday. And I did not do any big mistakes. That probably helped with my serenity as well. Oh and I have not to go to work till saturday.

Time to get something done? I am trying a technique [livejournal.com profile] cleo69 thaught me. You give yourself a goal and meet it, but without a time restraint, like saying tomorrow I have to do this or I am a total failure and I can go back to my lazy ways. Just a goal. and when you meet it, you set another one, and then another one, till you are used to do things, without the pressure to do it everyday. If one day you are too tired, or not feeling well, it's ok. 

Tomorrow I am gonna set me a bit objective: dust the living room. I'll see how I do.

For today I met my goals and i am going to keep reading (and probably finish, (Gervase, write the next one quick) The cross and the poppy by the lovely Gervase Wemyss [livejournal.com profile] wemyss  Bapton Books publishing, available on all the major (and minor) booksites.

It may be one of those things that have inspired this bout of Faith. It's a deeply religious book, but calling it a Christian book would be to make it a disservice. It's a book with great characters, some of which are defined by their faith and the story is closely linked with religious happenings, but that's not all the story. It's.... a great book. I'll probably write it a proper review once I have finished it For the moment it's great company and great inspiration.

Amen, sister, amen.
 
matilda36: (Default)
I have been sleeping a lot these days. in part to recover from my tiredness, in part because of my depression: if i sleep, i don't think.

So i go to bed at 6pm, i am up at 6am to chat with my spiritual brother, back to bed at 8am, where i lay in bed till 10. I say lay in bed because I rarely sleep., i lay in bed thinking and thinking is bad for me.

My thoughts keep spinning and spinning giving me a vertigo of anxiety. One of my worries is something that will not happen till next year and yet keeps spinning like the other plates. work is the biggest plate. Will i keep having a job? Will I find a new, better job? How long I will survive in this job without crashing and burning? Images of my workplace keep flashing in front of my eyes and the same events, the same thoughts bite at my ankles.

But I have to say that these few days off are helping a bit. Just a bit, but a bit. The fact is that I cannot claim sick days because I barely manage to survive with the money I have, with the money I would get of sick pay I could barely pay rent.

I have to say that my manager is very understanding. Or she wouldn't have given me these 4 days. Or maybe my unease has become that visible?

I don't know. I only know that I have today and tomorrow to rest, to read and to sleep, because my night sleep is good and healthy.

Fragile me

Jan. 28th, 2014 01:46 pm
matilda36: (Default)
 I am feeling really unwell. My mental health is bad. Last night I nearly had a panic attack at work (Due in part that going to bed at 6 in the evenings the week before I was needing my meds for my balance). I managed to hold on knowing that now I am off till saturday. 4 days that I desperately need. The advantages of working part time and that your boss doesn't pay you overtime, but offers you compensation.

Today I am rereading one of my favourite stories Ties that Bind by Keira Marcos. Her grammar is nearly worse than mine, but she writes the kind of outrageous, over the top, kinky stories that I need.

I don't know if to put the radio on, silence is a blessing at the moment. I know I have to react, but not reacting is the solution for today. Tomorrow we'll see. This morning I had the heart beating hard. Now it's not, but I am shaking a bit and I know that I can cry any moment. Maybe crying would do me good. But in reality I feel so fragile that crying would break me. Yeah that's how I feel: fragile, ready to break.  I know 4 days will be just a patch up job, that I really need a new job (I applied for a job for which I have the qualifications, including being disable, we'll see) or a good sized period of not worrying about money not work. Or maybe not. 4 days alone are good, more are dangerous. I need people's company. I like being around people in my job (even if they are not always the right kind of people).

Only not now, because I am fragile and I need not worry about money, not to worry about wok, just read over the top kinky stories and tell myself some nice stories tonight, when I'll go to bed. Probably another early niight, unless I feel I'll end up obssessing.

I don't need obsessing, I need to take care of fragile me. I am without chocolate around, by choice. I have been binging recently and loosing weight is one of the things that keeps me cheerful. I have bananas instead. And decaf. I think I'll need lots of milky decaf in the next few days.

I need to take care of myself.

 
matilda36: (don't wake me up)
 I tamed the joy of saving money by getting a ticket wrong and missing 100 euros at work (Dangers of the job), but I am still on target and I have now my Insurance in my hands.

Today I applied for a job where they require a disable person with buyer experience. It would be a dream. We'll see.

As for the rest, last night I didn't sleep well at all. The fact that I have basically all this week morning shifts except for tomorrow and thursday is pissing me off a bit. Not for the loss of my naps, but for the... I dunno how to define it. I was expecing to work 3 days this week and now I find myself working 5. I know that makes me a bit apprehensive about working a full working day, but if I have to do a job I like I am sure I can work normal hours.

Tonight I hope to sleep better. It will be a lovely early night, I have a story to tell myself and I know I shuldn't have to work for the next two days. Time to wash my hair and make minestrone from scratch.

 

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